It Is What It Is

[DISCLAIMER]

“Son,” my dad told me when I was a child, “I don’t know why I brought children into this world when it’s so wicked [morally very bad; evil],” per 1 John 5:19. He went on to explain that anyone with knowledge of the Bible would do well to reconsider the desire to have kids.

This was a revelation to me, as my dad had four children! Furthermore, his admission was contrary to what my late stepmom told me when saying it was an “abomination” not to abide by the biblical instruction of Genesis 1:28 which instructs humans to “be fruitful and multiply.”

Long since having subscribed to the principles of my religious upbringing, I’m now agnostic (a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality, such as a supreme being, is unknown and probably unknowable). Therefore, I’ve disregarded advice from my former caregivers.

All the same, I recently thought about the contradictory prescriptions of my dad and stepmom when I spoke with person X, who expressed concern about bringing children into an impermanent and uncertain world. At that time, a hip hop track came to mind.

On lyricist Ice Cube’s ninth studio album I Am the West (2010) was the song “It Is What It Is”, which was produced by DJ Montay. According to one source, “It Is What It Is’ is a tautophrase, and an idiomatic phrase, indicating the immutable nature of an object or circumstance.”

Regarding a “tautophrase,” one source adds that “a tautology is a statement that repeats an idea using near-synonymous morphemes, words or phrases, effectively ‘saying the same thing twice.” Another example of a tautophrase is “if it works, it works.”

Regarding Ice Cube’s song, the expression “it is what it is” regards a challenging circumstance that cannot be changed, and recommendatorily must be accepted. When thinking of this phrase, a psychoeducational lesson on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) comes to mind.

REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Person X informed me that rigid beliefs about the potential of political violence, World War III (WWIII), and artificial intelligence (AI) possibly reshaping the world may be cause enough doubt for one not to have children. Therefore, I invited person X to consider use of UA.

Regarding the circle of control and USA, person X could admit that although political violence, WWIII, and AI are logical and reasonable concerns, this individual cannot control, and likely cannot influence, these matters. Thus, person X can control one’s own reaction to these issues.

Concerning the circle of influence and UOA, person X could acknowledge that effect on politicians, foreign nations, and corporations which have more control over political violence, WWIII, and AI than this person is unlikely. Therefore, these matters are merely accepted as is.

Pertaining to the circle of concern and ULA, person X could conclude that while political violence, WWIII, and AI are concerning, most matters within life are unable to be controlled or influenced by this individual. Ergo, person X would be well to use tolerance and acceptance.

As for the area of no concern, wherein imaginary events are situated—such as whether or not on another planet there are similar issues currently bringing to ruin life of its citizens—person X has enough problems which require focus in this world than to worry about such matters elsewhere.

Additionally, I encouraged person X to consider the tautophrase “it is what it is” as a Stoic expression of acceptance. “In any undesirable situation,” I said to this individual, “you can ask yourself: What do I control? What do I influence?”

“If you can’t exert influence,” I continued, “then you can control your reaction to it. So, ‘it is what it is,’ you could say to yourself, place the matter into your circle of concern, and continue focusing on what you can control and influence with what little time you have left in life.”

Now, I invite you to contemplate the lesson contained herein. Do you think the adage “it is what it is” may be helpful to you? If not, you aren’t alone. I once introduced this tautophrase to person Y, who promptly rejected it. Unhelpfully, this individual believed that acceptance was losing.

Per person Y, if one focuses on matters of control and influence, allowing all else—the majority of matters in life—to go on unaddressed, then one perceptively has lost the ability to change the world in a more desirable way. Yet, there are obvious flaws inherent with that sort of belief.

First, it assumes that all change is good. For instance, if you wanted to start a family and you had your first child, then that was a desirable change. Yet, all living beings will inescapably die—likely to include infants. Thus, if your baby dies, then that’s an undesirable change.

Second, the belief presupposes that one has the ability to change matters beyond one’s circles of control and influence, especially those regarding complex systems. As an example, what lasting and meaningful change is one person able to effect regarding the existence of racism?

Last, by rejecting an “it is what it is” perspective and demanding that one’s own desires must come to fruition, an individual may rob others of their own self-determined and autonomous roles. Notably, that’s considered tyrannical behavior—the kind that could lead to WWIII.

Therefore, when thinking about the psychoeducational lesson contained herein, I encourage you to consider whether or not an “it is what it is” adage would better serve your interests and goals than would tyrannical scripts. If you prefer the latter, then it is what it is, I suppose.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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