Respect Required (Non-Negotiable)

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

Although still serving as a form of prescription rather than description, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs doesn’t necessarily cause self-upset. Here, rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” self-disturbing philosophies of life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

In the following example, a number of demandingness narratives are captured in a relatively limited number of hip hop lines. On his 2024 album Pyroglyphs, rapper Al.Divino released the track “Respect Required (Non-Negotiable)” which was produced by Hvyarms.

On the song, he states, “Your favorite rapper got fans, but don’t got fam. For real. (He only got fans) Respect required, non-negotiable.” Regarding these lines, definitional context is needed. According to the American Psychological Association, “respect” is defined as:

[A]n attitude of, or behavior demonstrating, esteem, honor, regard, concern, and other such positive qualities toward an individual or entity. Respect can serve an important purpose in interpersonal and intergroup relations by aiding in communication, for example.

Concerning demandingness, stating “respect me” infers that one “absolutely must respect me,” which is a self-disturbing narrative, or “preferably should respect me,” which is a self-distressing statement. Also, that which is “required” is claimed or asked for by right and authority.

For instance, stating “I require respect” infers that “I absolutely require respect, as claimed by my own authority,” or “ideally, you’re required to respect me, as asked for by right.” The former is inflexible while the latter is flexible. Thus, the former is disturbing and the latter distressing.

Additionally, something that is negotiable is capable of being traversed, dealt with, or accomplished, as in open to discussion or dispute. As was used in Al.Divino’s song, “non-negotiable” relates to something that is not open to discussion or reconsideration.

As an example, stating “respect required, non-negotiable” infers that “respect is required, and it absolutely must be non-negotiable,” or “respect is required, and it preferably ought to be non-negotiable.” The former is unhelpfully self-disturbing and the latter is helpfully self-distressing.

Captured in a limited number of lines, Al.Divino’s track “Respect Required (Non-Negotiable)” offers examples related to a finer point of the ABC model. Once you better understand how demandingness functions, then you may disturb yourself less and settle for distress.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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