She Can't Stand Me

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance (LFT), awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

Before illustrating a demandingness derivative, it may be helpful to add that sometimes mental scripts are accompanied by inferences (the act of passing from one proposition, statement, or judgment considered as true to another whose truth is believed to follow from that of the former).

Notably, the ABC model notes how distorted inferences (misleading conclusions based on illogical and unreasonable beliefs) cause disturbance (i.e., stemming from irrational beliefs) and distress (i.e., stemming from rational beliefs). Now, I submit an example for your review.

On his album Organic (2019), singer and rapper Casey Veggies released the track “Candy” which featured rapper The Game. With four lines twice repeated in the following chorus, Casey Veggies states:

They say a good chick come[s] in handy

My little baby[’s] sweet like candy

She say[s] she love[s] me, but she can’t stand me

Nobody really understand[s] me

Stating that his female intimate partner “can’t stand” him, Casey Veggies uses an LFT narrative. It’s an expression of one’s perceived inability to practice healthy tolerance. Thus, when the rapper’s romantic interest states that she loves him, she also perceivably can’t tolerate him.

When viewed through the lens of REBT, I can identify that the LFT narrative distortedly infers a demandingness belief. Specifically, the rapper’s love interest may unhelpfully conclude that she must be able to tolerate Casey Veggies. Now, you may ask how I came to this conclusion.

Allow me to explain. Suppose that I told an intimate partner, “I love you, but I can’t stand you!” Loving someone doesn’t negate one’s perceived inability to tolerate the individual—no matter how irrational the perception actually is. I can stand the person. Yet, I may believe otherwise.

Inferred in the statement to my romantic partner is that I love her, though I absolutely must be able to tolerate her. Otherwise, why would I love someone who I perceivably couldn’t stand? Still, here I love the person. However, I irrationally believe that I can’t stand her. That’s wacky!

How can this be? How could I simultaneously love someone while apparently not being able to tolerate her? To resolve the tension within my mind, I could dispute the LFT belief. Is it genuinely the case that I can’t tolerate my intimate partner?

For instance, something that I actually couldn’t tolerate relates to diving into an active volcano and surviving. The poisonous gas alone would kill me, let alone being cooked alive by lava. Literally, I couldn’t survive that. Figuratively, I couldn’t stand that!

Is being with someone who I love—whose behavior may be frustrating, annoying, or disappointing at times—anything like diving into an active volcano? Of course not! Therefore, I could stand my intimate partner and her disagreeable behavior. This is a matter of fact.

Furthermore, rather than using an unhelpful LFT narrative, admitting that I can tolerate unpleasant behavior is a matter of high frustration tolerance (HFT). Now, I could ask whether or not I absolutely must tolerate my romantic partner and her behavior. Of course I mustn’t!

I may choose to remain with her. I could also leave. I could love her while using an HFT belief as I pack my bags, leave her, and love her from afar. No matter what I choose, truth remains—it never was the case that I couldn’t stand my romantic interest.

The same is true for the individual about whom Casey Veggies sings. Likewise, the same is true for you…unless you happen to be in love with an active volcano. In that case, you really can’t stand diving into that situation. Perhaps you could instead love it from afar.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

Casey Veggies – Topic. (2019, June 6). Candy (feat. The Game) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/UF6PL1sIg9o?si=p0e7PqsE3PidjNj8

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