The Fluidity of Life

[DISCLAIMER]

When sorting through a box of photographs with my (then) wife, I came across a picture of her from a time before we were married. I didn’t recognize the woman in the image who had bleached hair (hair made blond through the use of chemicals). “Who is this?” I asked.

My wife laughed and responded, “That’s me!” Apparently, it was a snapshot in a particular moment of time, prior to when we’d met, and it was at that instant that I contemplated how little I recognized the woman whose proposal for marriage I’d accepted.

That’s when I learned about how she (allegedly) was once an “exotic dancer” (a person who dances or performs in a seductive or provocative manner while skimpily dressed or while gradually removing their clothes piece by piece, especially to the accompaniment of music).

“I [reportedly] danced at a gentlemen’s club [a nightclub predominately for men that features scantily clad women dancers],” she continued, “which is why I had bleach-blond hair.” Prior to dating her, let alone accepting her marriage proposal, I didn’t know of this bit of information.

Thus, I learned an important lesson about the fluidity (the quality or state of being fluid—subject to change or movement) of life (the quality that distinguishes a vital and functional being from a dead body). All these years later, I now reflect upon that photo as I read a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote ancient Stoic philosopher and Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who stated, “The universe is change. Life is opinion” (page 340). When thinking about this quote, I’m reminded of the late philosopher David Hume’s is-ought problem, about which one source states:

The is–ought problem is the question of whether moral statements about what ought to be can be inferred from objective statements about what is. It was first articulated by the 18th-century Scottish philosopher David Hume, who saw a significant difference between descriptive statements (about what is) and prescriptive statements (about what ought to be).

He argued that it is not obvious how one can coherently transition from descriptive statements to prescriptive ones. Hume’s law or Hume’s guillotine is the thesis that an ethical or judgmental conclusion cannot be inferred from purely descriptive factual statements.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Hume’s guillotine is violated when an inflexible demandingness narrative is used (i.e., ought) regarding what simply is a fact (something that actually exists or occurs). This is what creates a problem (a question raised for inquiry, consideration, or solution), as in the is-ought problem.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C perspective, I discovered a photo of my wife in which I didn’t recognize her or her (alleged) behavior (Action), and I realized that I didn’t actually know the woman to whom I was married (Consequence). Yet, from a B-C worldview, that isn’t what caused self-disturbance.

I didn’t recognize my wife of her (purported) behavior (Action), I Believed, “Our marriage is meaningless [G], and I can’t abide it [L], because it’s terrible being married to a virtual stranger [A], as she ought to have told me about her past [D],” and I was then upset (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

I violated Hume’s law by failing to unconditionally accept the fluidity of life (i.e., what simply is) while using a moralistic prescription (i.e., what ought to have been). Thus, my outlook was one of rigidity (the quality or state of being rigid—deficient in or devoid of flexibility).

Had I been asked about justification for my use of a rigid rather than fluid point of view, I likely would’ve stated that my late mother was once a self-professed go-go dancer (dancer who is employed to entertain crowds at nightclubs or other venues where music is played).

I probably would’ve also said that my mom became a lot lizard (a prostitute at a truck stop). Thus, as I was morally opposed to sex work, my wife oughtn’t to have (ostensibly) engaged in the exchange of sexual services, performances, or products for material compensation.

That perspective, although true to my opinion (a view, judgment, or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter), wasn’t an objective fact of life. Therefore, as Aurelius stated, “The universe is change. Life is opinion.” About this, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 340):

In Plutarch’s Life of Theseus, he describes how the ship of Theseus, an Athenian hero, was preserved by the people of Athens in battle-ready condition for many centuries. Each time a board decayed, it would be replaced until eventually every stick of wood in it had been replaced. Plutarch asks: Is it still the ship of Theseus, or is it a new one?

In a blogpost entitled Did I Change?, I discussed the “Ship of Theseus, also known as Theseus’s Paradox.” For context, a paradox is a person or thing having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases, and a statement or sentiment that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps true.

For example, one source states of a love paradox, “In order to find, we must let go.” This form of “must” implies a recommendatory (i.e., fluid) rather than absolutistic (i.e., rigid) demand. Thus, in order to find love, one recommendatorily should let go of attachment to unhelpful beliefs.

Regarding my marriage, I wanted to find a lasting love. Simultaneously, I recommendatorily should’ve let go of attachment to unhelpful beliefs associated with my mom. Remember, as Aurelius stated, “The universe is change. Life is opinion.” Still, I clung to unhelpful beliefs.

I could’ve changed my opinions (i.e., what ought) to match what actually existed in the universe (i.e., what is). Though, instead of fluidly changing out piece by piece of the proverbial ship of Theseus, I rigidly allowed my marriage to sink. Of this matter, the authors state (page 340):

In Japan, a famous Shinto shrine is rebuilt every twenty-three years. It’s gone through more than sixty of those cycles. Is it one shrine, 1,400 years old? Or sixty consecutive shrines?

Even the U.S. [United States] Senate, given its staggered elections, could be said to have never been fully turned over. Is it the same body formed in the days of George Washington?

I argue that the U.S. is a different proverbial ship that that upon which Washington sailed. So, too, is the version of me who is currently typing this blogpost. I’m not the same as I was when married to a (alleged) former stripper. “The universe is change,” irrespective of opinions.

Although I’ve not conversed with her in almost two decades, nor do I want to, I imagine that my ex-wife has changed the proverbial boards on her ship or rebuilt her structure. Are she and I the same people? Perhaps. Our fingerprints and retinal scans likely haven’t changed much.

Yet, that addresses what we are, not who we are. Do we have the same character traits as we did decades ago? Perchance. Still, I suspect that I’d no longer recognize who she is, just as I hadn’t when looking at the photo for this blogpost. In closing, the authors state (page 340):

Our understanding of what something is is just a snapshot—an ephemeral opinion. The universe is in a constant state of change. Our nails grow and are cut and keep growing. New skin replaces dead skin.

Old memories are replaced by new memories. Are we still the same people? Are the people around us the same? Nothing is exempt from this fluidity, not even the things we hold most sacred.

The fluidity of life isn’t genuinely hampered by the rigidity of belief. Even though I once self-disturbed with unhelpful opinions about my wife’s past, the universe continued changing. Now, I invite you to consider a fluid approach to life, instead of a rigid one, so that you can change, too.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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