No Man Steps in the Same River Twice

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Marcus Aurelius stated, “Meditate often on the swiftness with which all that exists and is coming into being is swept by us and carried away. For substance is like a river’s unending flow, its activities continually changing and causes infinitely shifting so that almost nothing at all stands still” (page 346).

When practicing REBT in my personal and professional capacity, I often deal with the matter of change (to make different in some particular way or aspect, especially regarding to make radically different). An obvious example is the radical change from life to death.

Each and every living being (i.e., human animals, nonhuman animals, plants, etc.) will inescapably make this transition. Nevertheless, people often fret about this inevitable outcome. Regarding Aurelius’ view, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 346):

Marcus borrows this wonderful metaphor from Heraclitus, who said, “No man steps in the same river twice.” Because the river has changed, and so has the man.

In the photo above, captured by me in 2013, I wanted a visual reminder of Lake Austin (part of the Colorado River) at a meaningful period in my life. After all, like Heraclitus’ metaphor, I knew that life would continue changing from one point and beyond. Change is constant.

A similar representation of change occurred for me that coincides with country music singer Garth Brooks’ song “The River”, from his third studio album Ropin’ the Wind (1991). Regarding the song, one source states:

The song is a mid-tempo country pop ballad in which a river is used as an analogy for the pursuit of one’s dreams. Through the lyrics, the narrator says that he will continue to pursue his dreams.

While I enjoyed the song during junior high and high school, it was especially significant to me on the week that I graduated United States Marine Corps Recruit Training (i.e., boot camp; 1996). Specifically, the second verse served as a matter of deep introspection:

Too many times we stand aside

And let the waters slip away

Till what we put off till tomorrow

Has now become today

So don’t you sit upon the shoreline

And say you’re satisfied

Choose to chance the rapids

And dare to dance the tide

During my final week of boot camp at Marine Corps Recruit Depot (MCRD) San Diego, my girlfriend sent me a Dear John letter (a letter written to a man by his wife or romantic partner to inform him that their relationship is over, usually because she has found another lover).

That was an unexpected change! Throughout the transformation process from a civilian to an enlisted military member, Marine recruits often participated in military cadence (a call-and-response work song sung by military personnel while running or marching).

A common theme was about “Jody” (a legendary, fictional character in military folklore who represents the civilian back home who steals a deployed service member’s romantic partner). For instance, we sang, “Ain’t no use in calling home, Jody’s got your girl, and gone!”

Just as Heraclitus stated, I hadn’t stepped in the same river twice. My girlfriend wasn’t mine anymore, as Jody—someone whose existence she initially denied—changed my romantic relational dynamic. And just as Brooks expressed, the waters sometimes slip away.

As I stood in a cafe at MCRD San Diego during graduation week, the only time recruits received liberty to freely move about the depot unaccompanied, I played “The River” on a jukebox. Holding back tears that would later fall in the darkness of night, I contemplated the lyrics.

I’d chosen to chance the rapids, and dared to dance the tide. Yet, the hopeful anticipation for change I sought in becoming a Marine was accompanied by the change of despairing expectation to remain with the same woman with whom I was in love. Here, an REBT tool may be useful.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C view, my girlfriend sent a Dear John letter (Action), thus ending our relationship (Consequence). However, an A-C connection isn’t what caused my saddened disposition. Rather, a B-C connection explains this outcome.

My girlfriend sent a Dear John letter (Action), I Believed, “Life is worthless without her [G], and change makes me sick [L], because it’s terrible [A], and this sort of change shouldn’t have happened [D],” and as a result of this self-narrative, I experienced sadness (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Heraclitus stated, “No man steps in the same river twice.” However, I didn’t know of this perspective when receiving a Dear John letter. Regarding the philosopher’s helpful expression, as well as Aurelius’ productive view, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 346):

Life is in a constant state of change. And so are we. To get upset by things is to wrongly assume that they will last. To kick ourselves or blame others is grabbing at the wind.

To resent change is to wrongly assume that you have a choice in the matter. Everything is change. Embrace that. Flow with it.

We often don’t have a choice regarding change. Nevertheless, we do have a choice concerning how we react to change. As I’ve demonstrated how an inappropriate choice was used in relation to a Dear John letter, allow me to now illustrate how client X used helpful choices about death.

For context, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Client X’s parent passed away, as client X considered one’s own choice regarding change. Concerning client X’s circle of control and USA, this individual chose how to react to undesirable change by realizing that the only control one had was to accept the unexpected death.

Regarding client X’s circle of influence and UOA, this person chose to acknowledge that those who cared for this individual’s loved one did what they could to save client X’s parent. However, these fallible human beings weren’t miracle workers, as each of us unavoidably will die.

Relating to client X’s circle of concern and ULA, the person with whom I work chose to admit that even if one doesn’t like or love the fact that all living beings will perish—which includes children, for those of you who otherwise delude yourselves, death is part of the life cycle.

As for the area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which one’s deceased parent watches over an adult child from another dimension, client X chose to maintain that the dead shepherd the living. I see no evidence for such a belief, though this view isn’t causing client X any harm.

In closing, no man steps in the same river twice. Change is constant. Even as we choose to chance the rapids, and dare to dance the tide, change doesn’t always flow in the direction we expect. Therefore, we can choose how we react to change. What will you choose with change?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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