Cold Feet: Can You Stand Them?

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Years ago, I spoke with client X whose wife had recently departed. He reminded me of an important lesson about the distinction between low frustration tolerance (LFT) and high frustration tolerance (HFT)—Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) concepts.

I now share his example with you. In common parlance, tolerance is defined as the capacity to endure pain or hardship. Additionally, according to the American Psychological Association (APA), tolerance as used herein is thusly defined:

1. acceptance of others whose actions, beliefs, physical capabilities, religion, customs, ethnicity, nationality, and so on differ from one’s own.

2. a fair and objective attitude toward points of view different from one’s own.

3. permissible or allowable deviation from a specified value or standard.

Worth noting, acceptance is colloquially referred to as the quality or state of being accepted (to give admittance or approval to) or acceptable (capable or worthy of being accepted). As well, the APA thusly defines acceptance:

1. a favorable attitude toward an idea, situation, person, or group. In the context of psychotherapy and counseling, it is the receptive, nonjudgmental attitude of therapists or counselors, which conveys an implicit respect and regard for their clients as individuals.

2. willing acknowledgment of validity or correctness. In the context of recovery from substance abuse and other addictions, it is essential for a person to accept that they have a problem before any interventions can be effective.

Whereas tolerance is the act of enduring or allowing behavior and differences without necessarily agreeing with them, acceptance goes further by embracing and valuing those differences, leading to genuine understanding and a reduction in distress or disturbance.

In my approach to REBT, I advocate both tolerance and acceptance when disfavoring unhealthy outcomes while favoring healthy results. Regarding this distinction, one REBT source states (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event, whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

With this understanding, I now turn to my memory of a discussion with client X. “You know what I miss most about my wife?” My mind quickly sorted through the many things I’ve missed regarding failed intimate partner relationships—none of which were dissolved due to death.

“No,” I replied. “There were so many nights when she would put her damned cold feet on me to warm herself! I hated it. I’d be all warm underneath the covers, and along came those cold feet. I’d damn near jump outta the bed, because her feet were ice cold,” client X stated.

I thought of the girlfriend who lived with me at the time, and how she behaved in the same way. Client X concluded, “Now, I’d give anything to feel those cold feet one more time!” This admission now serves as a psychoeducational lesson regarding LFT and HFT.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves (i.e., self-distress or -disturbance): global evaluations, LFT, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

For example, client X’s late spouse used to place her cold feet on his legs at bedtime (Action) and he Believed, “Bedtime is worthless [G], because I can’t stand these damn cold feet when trying to sleep [L]! It’s terrible that she puts her feet on me [A], as she shouldn’t do this [D]!”

Each element of client X’s GLAD narrative could cause self-distress or self-disturbance. Particularly, telling himself “I can’t stand these damn cold feet” served as an LFT script whereby he unhelpfully convinced himself that he literally couldn’t tolerate or accept the undesired event.

Without tolerance (the act of enduring or allowing behavior) and acceptance (embracing and valuing differences, leading to genuine understanding and a reduction in distress or disturbance), client X’s LFT account of the nightly event resulted in disturbed irritability (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Not long after client X’s wife passed away, he realized the value of an HFT narrative. Unlike LFT that uses an “I can’t stand it” theme, HFT is the productive script that expresses “I can stand it!” Unfortunately, there was no time for client X to practice this perspective post-mortem.

Helpfully, I share this lesson for your consideration. I was healthily distressed when my (then) girlfriend used to place her cold feet on me. Client X was unhealthily disturbed when his wife did the same thing. Now, neither client X nor I lie in bed with those who offered their cold feet.

I tolerate and accept this outcome, as client X was also eventually able to do. How do you handle similar inconvenient events? Cold feet: Can you stand them? Moreover, can you lie with them? If you currently believe that you can’t, then perhaps after your loved one dies you’ll reconsider.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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Dryden, W. and Neenan, M. (2006). Rational emotive behaviour therapy: 100 key points and techniques. Routledge. Retrieved from https://img1.wsimg.com/blobby/go/4b0e2552-2a18-4998-b44f-3a993148f7ac/downloads/REBT%202.pdf?ver=1627365797554

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