Estrangement From Family and Friends: Loving From Afar

[DISCLAIMER]

If memory serves, I met someone to whom I’ll refer as “Freckles” when living in a children’s home in 1991. Residing in my first cottage at the home, I attended Churches of Christ youth functions whereby Freckles and I became vaguely acquainted.

After I was transferred to a separate cottage of the children’s home, switching church congregations to that wherein Freckles’s granddad was the minister, she and I became better acquainted. I thought of her as intelligent and witty, as she was also physically attractive to me.

At some point, after a family from the congregation invited me to live with them when I was in high school, Freckles and I became romantically involved. That intimate partner relationship was relatively short-lived, as her mom expressed concern with us potentially having “nigger babies.”

To her credit, Freckles never judged me for my biracial identity. Therefore, we continued our friendship until I graduated high school. As often happens in life, Freckles and I eventually became estranged. Defining this term, the American Psychological Association (APA) states:

1. a state of increased distance or separation from oneself or others. See alienation.

2. a significant decrease or discontinuation of contact with individuals with whom one formerly had close relationships, such as a spouse or family member, due to apathy or antagonism.

The status of estrangement regarding Freckles and I related more to the first description than the latter. At some point, after we were both adults and married to other people, Freckles and I became reacquainted at vigil for a member of the family that took me into their home.

As also tends to happen in life, though due to unrelated circumstances, the marriages to which Freckles and I were devoted were ultimately dissolved. Our friendship bond was then improved, as we supported one another during the confusing period of post-marital discord.

Additionally, my longest-running friend, Freckles mentored me in an effort to improve my skills as a photographer. She also played an integral role in helping me sort out my diverging views from having been a Christian, then identifying as atheist, and eventually settling on agnostic.

When others were unwilling or unable to offer support during a period of time when I underwent multiple medical procedures, Freckles remained by my bedside. As well, in due course, as each of us dated new romantic prospects, Freckles and I continued our platonic relationship.

She attended my birthday dinners when I still celebrated such frivolity, watched me walk across the stage when I earned a bachelor’s degree, and expressed rational compassion when continually observing just how much of a fallible human being I so undeniably was.

Likewise, I traveled with Freckles to various locations when asked to do so, comforted her during instances which were emotionally challenging, treated her children as I would’ve my own, and tried to reflect at least a fraction of the kindness and understanding she showed me.

Unfortunately, as similarly happens in life, Freckles’s second husband self-disturbed with rigid beliefs about my relationship with his wife. This is a matter with which I’ve dealt throughout my life, as boyfriends and spouses of my female friends tend to upset themselves in this way.

I reasoned that after moving to another city Freckles’s husband would calm his mind. However, friendship with my longest-known confidant became virtually impossible. We couldn’t call, text, or maintain any other form of contact. Thus, we met the second APA definition of estrangement.

Apathy (lack of interest or concern) and antagonism (actively expressed opposition or hostility) eroded the social bond between Freckles and I—due mostly to her husband’s attitude. Finally, I made the decision to terminate the friendship altogether when her safety became an issue.

Estrangement from my longtime friend wasn’t pleasant, nor was it easy. Nevertheless, satisfaction and effortlessness weren’t factors in my decision-making process. The relationship preferably shouldn’t have ended. Still, I’m reminded of this regrettable matter as I read a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

In a blogpost entitled A Letting Go Kind of Love, I made a case for healthy estrangement that I uphold as rational (in accordance with both logic and reason). However, it appears as though some Stoics maintain a different perspective. For example, Marcus Aurelius stated (page 220):

As you move forward along the path of reason, people will stand in your way. They will never be able to keep you from doing what’s sound, so don’t let them knock out your goodwill for them.

Keep a steady watch on both fronts, not only for well-based judgments and actions, but also for gentleness with those who would obstruct our path or create other difficulties.

For getting angry is also a weakness, just as much as abandoning the task or surrendering under panic. For doing either is an equal desertion—the one by shrinking back and the other by estrangement from family and friend.

As a matter of rational choice, I’m currently estranged from relatively many family members and friends. Stated succinctly in a post entitled We All Can’t Go, I said, “No matter how much we may desire to attain or maintain people or things, we aren’t entitled to everything we want.”

To this day, though I’ve not communicated with Freckles in years, I still love her as a friend. Nevertheless, many relationships in life end in alienation (estrangement from others, resulting in the absence of close or friendly relationships with people in one’s social group).

It isn’t necessary to like or love that this is truth about reality. Perhaps I stood in Freckles’s path. Perchance she blocked mine. It could also be the case that her husband obstructed the path between Freckles and I. No matter what occurred historically, we aren’t currently bonded.

Despite this, I maintain goodwill for both Freckles and her husband, as I bear no ill will for them. Sometimes, people simply part ways, and that’s okay. This is true regarding familial, friendly, and others types of relationships. Alternatively, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 220):

As we begin to make progress in our lives, we’ll encounter the limitations of the people around us. It’s like a diet. When everyone is eating unhealthy, there is a kind of natural alignment. But if one person starts eating healthy, suddenly there are opposing agendas. Now there’s an argument about where to go for dinner.

Just as you must not abandon your new path simply because other people may have a problem with it, you must not abandon those other folks either. Don’t simply write them off or leave them in the dust. Don’t get mad or fight with them. After all, they’re at the same place you were not long ago.

I concur with the recommendatory advisement (i.e., “must”) regarding a refrain from getting mad and fighting with people. For instance, I don’t blame Freckles or her husband for my reaction to our unfavorable circumstances. In this regard, I take personal responsibility and accountability.

Personal ownership for how I feel and behave rests squarely upon my shoulders! Furthermore, I disagree with the authors’ recommendation not to leave “in the dust” relationships which aren’t functional. Concerning this matter, I said in a blogpost entitled Accepting Exceptions:

My time, attention, affection, and life are valuable to me. The people with whom I share these resources offer mutual efforts to maintain relationships, as do I.

If someone isn’t able, or doesn’t want, to communicate with me, I practice UOA [unconditional other-acceptance] […] After all, this is the most compassionate and rational step for me to take after other efforts have failed.

In addition to UOA, I practice unconditional life-acceptance (ULA). Specifically, ULA acknowledges that one has exceedingly limited control and influence regarding most matters in a lifetime. Thus, as often happens in life, people become estranged from one another. Too bad.

While I’d prefer to have shared my friendly love with Freckles, I unconditionally accept that loving from afar is the nature of our current situation. As such, I remain grateful to have known her and spent time bonding in this impermanent and uncertain existence.

Now, I offer this psychoeducational lesson to you. Even when you want relationships to work, they often end in estrangement. When this occurs, are you willing to love people from afar? Or, do you prefer the perspective of Aurelius and authors of The Daily Stoic?

Will you, presumably to no end, cling tightly to those who obstruct your path to contentment or happiness? After all, some people recommend that you must never leave others “in the dust.” Whatever option you choose on your path to the grave, I invite you to choose rationally.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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