I'm So Glad!
From when she was approximately six-months-old, until the week of her fifth birthday, I helped raise the daughter of the woman with whom I was in love. After marrying the woman, the dad of my stepdaughter insisted that she not refer to me as “dad,” “father,” or any derivative thereof.
Therefore, she called me “my Deric.” Admittedly understating the matter, I loved her very much! Nevertheless, when my wife left me, contact with the little girl I’d helped raise was completely severed. I had no administrative or legal right to maintain communication.
The severing of ties with my former stepdaughter and ex-wife were among the most challenging moments of my life, to include the administrative and legal problems I experienced in the military when I was ordered not to maintain contact with the woman who I eventually married.
Ultimately, I lost my United States Marine Corps career, a wife, and a stepdaughter due to a series of unfortunate events. Favorably, I eventually discovered Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), learning how not to blame others for my reaction to undesirable experiences.
Now, although I’d prefer that events would’ve turned out differently, I accept the outcome that actually is. While this healthy perspective on life wasn’t necessarily easy to achieve, administrative and legal problems in the Corps, as well as by way of divorce, weren’t either!
Regarding how I healthily utilized self-help, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Regarding my circle of control and USA, I realized that while I couldn’t prevent the loss of my stepdaughter to divorce, I could control my reaction to the undesirable experience. Even though severed communication isn’t ideal, this is the actual circumstance with which I’m faced.
Concerning my circle of influence and UOA, I acknowledged that all I could do was try to persuade my wife to keep our union together. However, attempting to influence others requires that those individuals be open to influence. Unfortunately, not always are they so obliged.
Relating to my circle of concern and ULA, I admitted that the past is passed—it’s inalterable. No amount of blaming others for my perception of how the past unfolded could benefit my life in the present. Ergo, without use of unhelpful conditions, I accept undesirable outcomes of the past.
When recently listening to lyricist Dan-e-o’s song “Baby Girl”, from his album The Day It All Changed (2019), featuring lyricists Choclair and Ro Dolla, as well as vocals by Xentury, I thought of my former stepdaughter. For context, lyrics of the chorus state:
When we saw you, we fell in love
Our new world has just begun
It was all for you
And when you feel like you’ve had enough
To your daddy, you can run
‘Cause he adores you
And I’m so glad, ‘cause daddy has his daughter
And she won’t be sad, ‘cause baby has her father
When using UA and reflecting upon “Baby Girl”, as it regards my former stepdaughter, I’m so glad (experiencing pleasure, joy, or delight) for having had the opportunity to experience step-fatherhood with the little girl I met when she was about six-months-old!
Now, I invite you to practice UA concerning past, current, or even anticipated future experiences which you regard as undesirable. Even if these events aren’t ideal or preferable, it’s possible to accept them without use of unhelpful conditions. Maybe you, too, will then end up being glad!
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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