I Need a Miracle

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

On the album Toca (2001), by electronic dance music (EDM) group Fragma, is the track “Toca’s Miracle” that features vocals by Coco Star. Per one source, “The song was critically acclaimed worldwide, with many critics citing the song [as] one of the best dance anthems of all time.”

I recall frequently dancing to the song during the early 2000s, often by myself when mixing music in my military barracks room. In any event, I invite you to consider the italicized portion of the cited lyrics to determine whether a flexible or inflexible use of demandingness is used:

If you’re gonna save the day

And you’re hearin’ what I say

I feel your touch, your kiss

It’s not enough

And if you believe in me

Don’t think my love’s for free

I won’t take nothin’ less than a deeper love

Let me tell you, know

I, I need a miracle

I need a miracle

It’s more than physical

What I need to feel from you

Given what you presumably understand about the ABC model thus far, did Coco Star express flexible or inflexible derivatives of demandingness? Let’s explore the inference and outright expression she advocates in “Toca’s Miracle”.

First, the vocalist states “don’t think my love’s for free, I won’t take nothin’ less than a deeper love.” Noteworthy, an inference is the act of passing from one proposition, statement, or judgment considered as true to another whose truth is believed to follow from that of the former.

To understand what Coco Star infers, consider use of a modus ponens syllogism (if p, then q; p; therefore, q). If you think my love’s for free (p), then know that I won’t take nothin’ less than a deeper love (q). Here, proposition q follows statement p, as the conclusion is thought to be true.

Therefore, one may infer from the syllogistic example that Coco Star believes she shouldn’t accept anything other than a deeper love, because her love isn’t valueless (i.e., “free”). Do you consider this inferred belief flexible or inflexible?

Imagine that the singer flexibly maintains that she preferably shouldn’t settle for a valueless intimate partner relationship. As time passes, she turns down many potential suitors. Dying alone at an elderly age, she looks back at the events of her life and remains proud.

“I didn’t settle for less,” Coco Star tells her 13 cats which live with the vocalist in a tiny apartment. If Coco Star considers this an acceptable outcome, then it’s subjectively a flexible conclusion to her life of solitude—aside from living with her many feline pets.

Contrarily, if the vocalist rigidly maintains that she absolutely shouldn’t settle for a valueless romantic relationship while dying alone—aside from living with her many feline pets—and she’s distraught with how her life turned out, then it’s subjectively an inflexible conclusion to her life.

Second, Coco Star outright expresses a derivative of a should, must, or ought-type of demandingness by stating “I need a miracle” and that’s “what I need to feel.” Noteworthy, I stated in a blogpost entitled Want vs. Need:

When discussing a “want,” I’m referring to a desire to possess or do something. By “desire,” I’m referencing what a person strongly wishes for.

Examples of a want relate to me expressing desires such as, “I hope that my flight arrives on time,” “I’d like to one day be financially secure,” or, “I wish for there to be nice weather this weekend.”

It’s worth noting that a want is different than a demand— an insistent and peremptory request, made as if by right and claiming as due or just. Per one source, “Demands can be conceptualized as rules of life that include inferences, evaluations, and/or philosophical beliefs with words related to ‘should,’ ‘ought,’ or ‘must.”

Examples of demanding statements would be if I required outcomes by expressing things such as, “My flight should arrive on time,” “I must one day be financially secure,” or, “There ought to be nice weather this weekend.”

The subtle difference between a want and a demand is that a desire for something suggests flexibility, whereas a command for such things infers inflexibility.

For instance, if I flexibly hope that my flight will arrive on time and it ultimately doesn’t, I may be disappointed. On the other hand, if I rigidly declare that my flight should arrive on time and it eventually doesn’t, I may end up distraught for having my unhelpful belief violated.

Now, when discussing a “need,” I’m referring to something that is required, because it is essential or a necessity. By “essential,” I’m referencing that which is absolutely necessary.

Herein, “necessity” refers to the fact of being required or indispensable, and “necessary” implies the basic requirements of life, such as food and warmth. As such, a need is that which is absolutely required to sustain life—the things a person literally cannot live without.

Given this framing, do you consider Coco Star’s expressions of a “need” as matters of flexibility or inflexibility? In other words, is it rational to propose that she absolutely must have (i.e., “need”) a miracle, because it’s what she conditionally must receive (i.e., “need to feel”)?

Of course, I’ve provided the answer within the question I’ve posed. It’s not rational to use absolutistic or conditional demands which are cited in the lyrics of “Toca’s Miracle”. Although doubtlessly popular within the EDM scene in the early 2000s, the lyrics weren’t rational.

I say this as a fan of the track, not as an unkind assessment of a throwback jam. Once a person is able to separate nostalgic fondness from a beloved tune and examine the evidence for rationality or irrationality used in the song, then one can transfer that lesson to the broader context of life.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit (edited), fair use

References:

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