Screwing Up vs. Being a Screwup: Self-Concept
Although recorded in 1993, the track “Runnin’” (commonly referred to as “Runnin’ from tha Police”) was released in 1995, written and performed by lyricists 2Pac, the Notorious B.I.G. (“Big”), and rappers Stretch, Dramacydal, and Lil’ Vicious, and was produced by Easy Mo Bee.
The song was featured on the compilation album One Million Strong (1995), commemorating the 1995 Million Man March in Washington, D.C. This occurred during the time that I was in high school, barely passing most of my classes, and not knowing what I’d do after graduation.
A lyric with which I most identified was Big’s claim, “I grew up a fuckin’ screwup!” For context, a screwup (also “screw-up”) regards one who screws up (to increase the intensity, quantity, or capability of, especially as to botch, blunder, err, bungle, mess up, or fuck up).
Stated differently screwing up (i.e., committing a mistake) repeatedly is said to reflect the behavior of one who is disparagingly referred to as a screwup (i.e., the difference between fucking up, as an action, and being a fuckup, as an individual designator).
I’d been told that I was a screwup since before I ever attended school. As well, this narrative was buttressed throughout my educational years from elementary through high school. Unhelpfully, I believed what I was told. Thus, I had no idea as to what a screwup would do outside of school.
Eventually, I decided to join the United States Marine Corps—a military branch whose enlisted members are derogatorily referred to as “crayon eaters,” a disparaging synonym for the term “retarded,” which is now classified under intellectual disability and developmental disability.
After having enlisted in 1996, serving honorably until 2002, as stated in a blogpost entitled Matching Bracelets, I experienced significant administrative and legal problems. Screwing up a lot, I then attended voluntary appellate leave from 2003 to 2007—still on active duty status.
In my mind at the time, the consequences of my actions affirmed the idea that I was a screwup. It was then that the Tupac Resurrection soundtrack (2003) was released. It contained the posthumous song “Runnin’ (Dying to Live)”, coproduced by lyricist Eminem and Easy Mo Bee.
The track used the late Big’ vocals from “Runnin’”, one of the few collaborations recorded by the late 2Pac and Big during their lifetimes. I was again reminded of Big’s declaration, “I grew up a fuckin’ screwup!” While on appellate leave, I fully subscribed to this notion!
Noteworthy, during the late ‘90s, when I was stationed in Okinawa, Japan, I was introduced to the music of the late DJ Screw. A Houston, Texas hip hop DJ, he pioneered the chopped and screwed technique which was popular among people who recreationally used/abused codeine.
Also, DJ Screw was the leader of Houston’s Screwed Up Click (most notable members including DJ Screw, and rappers Big Hawk, Big Mello, Big Moe, Big Pokey, the Botany Boyz, E.S.G., Fat Pat, Lil’ Flip, Lil’ Keke, Mr. 3-2, Lil’ O, and Z-Ro, many of whom are now deceased).
Rapper Devin the Dude, lyricist K-Rino, rapper Lil’ Troy, rapper South Park Mexican, and duo UGK (rapper Pimp C and lyricist Bun B) are considered to be Screwed Up Affiliated members. Each of these rappers and lyricists, as well as DJ Screw, made it desirable to be “screwed up.”
For instance, on his fourth studio album, Chicken-n-Beer (2003), lyricist Ludacris released the song “Screwed Up” that featured Screwed Up Click member Lil’ Flip. The chorus boldly declared, “I’m screwed up!” Still, Ludacris didn’t stop with a “screw” reference on that album.
On his sixth studio album, Release Therapy (2006), the lyricist dropped the track “Grew Up a Screw Up”, featuring rapper Jeezy and produced by DJ Nasty & LVM, which sampled Big’s line “I grew up a fuckin’ screwup!” A year following the song’s release, my discharge was approved.
I initially received a Bad Conduct Discharge that was upgraded to an Under Other Than Honorable Conditions. Yet, the popularity of being “screwed up” within a hip hop context didn’t reflect my self-concept, which the American Psychological Association thusly defines:
[O]ne’s description and evaluation of oneself, including psychological and physical characteristics, qualities, skills, roles and so forth. Self-concepts contribute to the individual’s sense of identity over time. The conscious representation of self-concept is dependent in part on nonconscious schematization of the self (see schema).
Although self-concepts are usually available to some degree to the consciousness, they may be inhibited from representation yet still influence judgment, mood, and behavioral patterns. Also called self-appraisal; self-assessment; self-evaluation; self-rating. See self-image; self-perception.
My self-concept following discharge from the military was that I genuinely was the screwup I believed I was as a child, even though I had a momentary reprieve from that concept of self from 1996 to 2002. With this background information, I now turn to a book that I’ve been reading.
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations (e.g., screwup), low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
While I have a Disputation blog category, I don’t often demonstrate Disputing within my blog entries. Generally, I reserve this portion of the ABC model for the clients with whom I work. Still, in Ask Albert Ellis?, Ellis helpfully stated (pages 9 & 10):
In my book, Feeling Better, Getting Better, Staying Better, I have a number of thinking techniques. The main one is to keep actively and strongly disputing your irrational beliefs. Again, if you think that you are no good when you screw up in front of people and they reject you, you say “prove” to yourself; “prove it’s awful or terrible when I screw up.
Where is it written that I have to do well? Logically how does it follow that if I screw up, I am a screw up who will put myself down in the present and future and who can never be loveable or acceptable by others? And where is it written that because I like very, very much to do well, I have to, and where will it get me if I keep telling myself I have to absolutely do well and be loved by others under all conditions, and it’s terrible, terrible, awful, horrible and I’m no good if I don’t?”
And by asking these questions and looking for the real answers, the answers that you, yourself, could give, you’ll see that there are no reasons why you absolutely must perform adequately, that it doesn’t follow that you are no good when you do certain things badly, and it will keep getting you into trouble if you believe those irrational and other irrational beliefs and keep thinking about them.
Ellis illustrated Disputational questions in the cited text. Similarly, following my discharge from the military, I could’ve asked, “Are you a screwup when screwing up, and if so, are you shitty when taking a shit? In essence, are you what you do? Have you even considered the logic?”
My self-concept was influenced by Big’s statement, “I grew up a fuckin’ screwup!” However, what I didn’t consider was that one can screw up – and in my case, there’ve been virtually countless mistakes made throughout my life (and many more to go) – without being a screwup.
Now, I invite you to consider this lesson on global evaluations (i.e., screwup) and self-concept. While I suspect that you’ve screwed up quite a bit in your life, I maintain that you aren’t your behavior. Thus, you aren’t a screwup, even if you’re a member of the Screwed Up Click!
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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