Accepting the Fallibility of Family Members
The above photo was taken months before I enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. I’m featured posing with members of a family who took me in from my residence at a children’s home. For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines family:
1. a kinship unit consisting of a group of individuals united by blood or by marital, adoptive, or other intimate ties. Although the family is the fundamental social unit of most human societies, its form and structure vary widely. See biological family; extended family; nuclear family; permeable family; stepfamily.
2. in biological taxonomy, a main subdivision of an order, consisting of a group of similar, related genera (see genus).
The above-indicated family members weren’t my biological family (a person’s blood relations as opposed to relations acquired through marriage, adoption, or fostering). This is because we shared no genetic relationship, and the parents of the family were once my legal guardians.
Therefore, we were classified as a nuclear family (a family unit consisting of two parents and their dependent children [whether biological or adopted]. With various modifications, the nuclear family has been and remains the norm in developed Western societies).
As is the case with many families of varying classification, my nuclear family and I experienced challenges to the familial bond. For example, the matriarch of the family—who brought me into the unit at the beginning of my sophomore year in high school—kicked me out of the family.
This occurred approximately halfway through my senior year of high school, as my maladaptive behavior played a significant role in her decision to remove me from the family. Nevertheless, we remained close. This was because we were members of the Churches of Christ (CoC).
Followers of Jesus through the CoC believed that the church consists of its members, as we formed a religious family. Thus, one doesn’t go to church, because members of the congregation are the church. Ergo, even when separated from my nuclear family, we were still a family.
Favorably, after the mother of my nuclear family persuaded me to join the military, I was allowed back into their home during weekends. This was because I would be more likely to attend church services (not go to church) if I stayed with them.
Even after I was kicked out of the Marines, my nuclear family members accepted me as one of their own religious family affiliates. Helpfully, they viewed me merely as subject to fallibility (liability to err). This, too, was a CoC belief—that everyone is a fallible human being.
Such was the case for the late “DJ,” the biological son of my nuclear family who sat next to me in the above photo. He was an imperfect individual whose nonadaptive behavior played a significant role in his death. I was in the hospital room when he took his last breath in 2004.
Unfortunately, two years thereafter, my nuclear family members chose to part ways with me during the process of my messy divorce. Not even a CoC familial bond was able to overcome that parting of ways. Now, I reflect upon the topic of families while steadily reading a book.
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C view, my nuclear family members decided to take DJ off of life support (Action), and he died as we all gathered in his hospital room (Consequence). Now, from a B-C view, the proverbial death of a bond with my nuclear family isn’t what caused an unpleasant outcome.
I was rejected by my nuclear family (Action), Believed, “If they’d abandon me, then our bond was always useless [G], and I can’t bear this [L], as it’s awful [A], so this shouldn’t be the end of our connection [D],” and I then experienced negative, but unhealthy sadness (Consequence).
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Now, two decades after last having had contact with my nuclear family members, I recognize that there were many aspects which played a role in the dissolution of our bond. Helpfully, the practice of REBT has allowed me to use acceptance regarding this matter.
The APA defines acceptance as “a favorable attitude toward an idea, situation, person, or group.” In REBT, acceptance without conditions is advocated (e.g., not believing, “I will accept the decision of my nuclear family members only if they first hear my side of the divorce story”).
In this way, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Once I learned to let go of rigid conditions regarding my nuclear family members, I began accepting the fallibility of family members – even if they didn’t accept me. Again, there’s no use for rigid conditions when practicing acceptance. Regarding this matter, Ellis stated (page 7):
It’s very possible to understand what people do to create disturbances in their lives, or to get them from their families, friends and community. They may have hated their parents or brothers or sisters for many years – telling themselves that family members should not act the way they do – and then they realize that they’re doing this and they change.
They didn’t hate the others just because they acted badly, but because they had a command, a Jehovian command, that others must not act the way they do. And then they find that they can change that and start accepting their mother and father or sister and brother.
Concerning my former nuclear family members, I’m as dead to them as is DJ. Although I don’t like or love that this is the case, I’m accepting the fallibility of family members nonetheless. Now, I invite you to consider the productive practice of UA.
Even if you don’t accept family into your life, you can accept members of whatever familial relationship you have as little more than fallible human beings who behave in various ways. Can you do this, even if or when they reject or abandon you? Better yet, will you do so?
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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