Ariana's Confusing Principle

[DISCLAIMER]

*Landman (season 2) spoilers contained herein.

Property of Paramount Television Studios, fair use

I enjoyed the first season of Landman, a neo-Western drama television series, while remaining cautious of the feminist direction in which it was apparently heading toward the end of episode 10. Describing the premise of the series, one source states:

Based on the notable 11-part podcast Boomtown, the series is set in the proverbial boomtowns of West Texas and is a modern day tale of fortune seeking in the world of oil rigs. The series is an upstairs/downstairs story of roughnecks and wildcat billionaires fueling a boom so big, it’s reshaping our climate, our economy, and our geopolitics.

Currently watching season two, my suspicion about the direction in which the series is headed has been validated. Rather than griping, whining, bitching, moaning, complaining, whinging, and venting about a source of entertainment, I’ll instead provide a helpful psychoeducational lesson.

First, it may be useful to provide context. Ariana is depicted as a young, adult-aged mother whose husband, a roughneck, dies during a drilling event. Rather than being illustrated as a mere victim or survivor of a traumatic event, Ariana is featured as a thriver in spite of misfortune.

While widowed and raising her baby, Ariana becomes acquainted with Cooper, a roughneck and son a problem solver for an oil company, as Ariana and Cooper eventually fall in love. In an unsuspected turn of events, Cooper’s efforts to rise to power within the oil industry pay off.

Having become an overnight millionaire, Cooper informs Ariana of his intentions to provide a better life for her and her child. In response, she states in episode two of season two:

I don’t want to shop for a new house. I like this one. My husband died for it. I want my son [Miguel] to know his abuelita [an endearing form of “grandmother”], his cousins. I…I have friends here. I don’t want to trade them for new ones. I’m so glad your dreams came true. I really am. But being rich isn’t my dream, it’s yours. […] I think you should take all that money and buy your own house. I don’t think you should stay here anymore.

Both “should” scripts expressed by Ariana are flexible forms of demandingness. In Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), these malleable demands are known as recommendatory should beliefs. These supple personal narratives aren’t the varieties which result in self-upset.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-disturbance.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Given that Ariana hasn’t adequately processed grief, I understand how it is that the grieving widow remains conflicted (experiencing or marked by ambivalence or a conflict, especially of emotions). Let’s look at this matter rationally (in accordance with both logic and reason).

Logic is the interrelation or sequence of facts or events when seen as inevitable or predictable, and reason is a statement offered in explanation or justification. For instance, a hypothetical syllogism uses the following logical form: If p, then q; if q, then r; therefore, if p, then r.

If Ariana hasn’t processed grief (p), then she’s not ready for an intimate partner relationship (q). If she’s not ready for an intimate partner relationship (q), then Ariana will reject Cooper’s affection (r). Therefore, if Ariana hasn’t processed grief (p), then Ariana will reject Cooper’s affection (r).

This hypothetical proposition adheres to logical form. Likewise, the formulaic premises follow toward a reasonable conclusion. Thus, the proposal of a recently grieving widow remaining conflicted about engaging in a new romantic relationship is a rational consideration.

In Landman, Cooper obliges Ariana’s moral and ethical request. A moral is one’s standard of behavior or belief about what is and isn’t acceptable for the person and other people, as morals relate to what’s considered good, bad, right, wrong, or otherwise acceptable or unacceptable.

An ethic is a set of moral principles, especially those relating to or affirming a specified group, field, or form of conduct. Whereas morals relate to what is thought of as pleasing or displeasing behaviors and beliefs, ethics – based on morals – are the social rules by which we pledge to live.

For context, a principle is a comprehensive and fundamental law, doctrine, or assumption that serves as a rule or code of conduct with habitual devotion to this subjective morally and ethically right standard. Thus, principles are a form of values (something intrinsically desirable).

Now consider that one source states, “The phrase ‘No Means No’ is a simple yet powerful declaration. It clearly states that if someone does not consent, their decision must be respected immediately. This principle is vital for ensuring that all interactions remain consensual and safe.”

Unlike a recommendatory should statement, the term “must” in this cited source regards a legal must belief. A subtype of an absolutistic demand, which is a self-disturbing belief with personal results, legal demands which “must be respected immediately” carry societal consequences.

For instance, if Ariana told Cooper “no” during the course of sexual intimacy, he could be subject to legal charges of sexual assault or rape for violating her declaration—and rightfully so! After all, “shall” represents a mandatory obligation (i.e., people shall not commit legal offenses).

Consequently, when Ariana told Cooper “I don’t think you should stay here anymore,” she communicated a matter of legally-binding obligation. Had Cooper chosen to ignore Ariana’s no-means-no principle, at minimal, he could’ve remained subject to the crime of criminal trespass.

Presuming you comprehend this rational case for Ariana’s principle and associated distinction between personal and societal obligations, I now invite you to consider episode four of season two. The following confusing (disturbed in mind or purpose) dialogue unfolds:

Ariana: Would you like to come inside?

Cooper: You okay with that?

Ariana: [laughs] I didn’t ask you to jump in my bed. I asked if you would like to come inside.

Cooper: I would like that.

Ariana: [laughs as both individuals enter Ariana’s home] My house.

Cooper: I know.

Ariana: It’s not much, but it’s mine. And I like it. Miguel’s abuelita’s house [pointing out the window]. Down the street, his tío s [uncles], tías [aunts], sus primos [his cousins]. They’re all right here.

Having met your family, I can understand why being close to them is not a priority of yours. But it’s everything to me. And I will work! You might not like the job, but it doesn’t matter, ‘cause you’re not the one doing it.

And next time I kick you out, you don’t just leave and stay gone. You figure out why I did it, fix it, and then come home and tell me how sorry you are.

Cooper: I’m sorry…I struck oil and got rich. I…I won’t let it happen again.

Ariana: [laughs] You’re on real thin ice, flaco [skinny].

Cooper: I know. Umm…I am sorry. I didn’t ask for your dreams or which ones I [preferably] should make come true, and which ones should just stay dreams.

Ariana: You can’t make my dreams come true. Only I can do that. Got it?

Cooper: Got it.

Ariana: Okay. [she gently caresses Cooper’s face]

Cooper: This is very confusing.

Ariana: [laughs] I know. It’s confusing to me, too.

Cooper: I want to buy you a new dishwasher. [both laugh]

Ariana: Okay, fine.

Cooper: No, really. Can we at least take a trip or something?

Ariana: Trip where?

Cooper: I don’t know. Where do you want to go?

Ariana: Hmm…you might just figure this out.

Cooper: It’s pretty simple. All I got to do is ask you everything.

Ariana: Hmm…my God, he did figure it out. Okay, now you can jump in my bed. [she laughs as they then kiss, and the scene changes]

I have no access to the people who wrote that scene. If I were to steel-man the argument, Ariana established the groundwork for consent (voluntary assent or approval given by an individual) while forming a power structure of dominance through reinforcement and punishment.

From my perspective, whereas Ariana initially established a no-means-no principle to which Cooper acquiesced, she subsequently reprimanded him for not playing her irrational game (i.e., “next time I kick you out,” and “tell me how sorry you are”) according to her terms.

I regard this as an “irrational” game, because it follows logical form while not representing a reasonable standard of behavior. To demonstrate this matter, consider a modus ponens syllogism which uses the following logical form: If p, then q; p; therefore, q.

If Ariana sets the relational groundwork while reinforcing and punishing Cooper’s behavior for obeying or disobeying her confusing demands (p), then Cooper is set up for failure when he can’t access the inner working of Ariana’s mind (q). You can play through the logic on this one.

No matter what Cooper does or doesn’t do, he’ll lose Ariana’s game. This is because he can’t engage in mind reading (a form of alleged extrasensory perception in which an individual claims to have access to the thoughts of another person).

Unhelpfully, I’ve encountered similar instances of this behavior in both my personal and professional life. Regarding this matter, as it relates to Ariana’s confusing principle, I said in blogpost entitled Stress-Testing Intimate Partner Relationships:

In the realm of pickup artists, pressure-testing is crudely referred to as shit-testing. One source describes this process thusly:

Something that a woman has said to a man that will, based on his response, give her information on whether or not he is strong enough to be worthy of being a boyfriend or sexual partner. If he takes her words literally or too seriously, he will fail the test and lose the opportunity to proceed in their potential relationship.

A less offensive term that addresses similar assessment relates to that of a stress test. About such relational examination, one source states, “If during or after the stress test either of us felt the relationship wouldn’t work, we would part amicably without drama or guilt.”

One obvious dilemma regarding Ariana’s shit-testing behavior is that when Cooper used open, honest, and vulnerable communication by admitting, “This is very confusing,” her only response was to laugh and state, “I know. It’s confusing to me, too.” There’s no available resolution.

If Ariana ostensibly established a non-means-no principle and Cooper obliged, then he had somehow committed a moral failing. She wanted him to admit wrongdoing for a script within her mind to which he didn’t have access.

If Cooper would’ve disregarded Ariana’s no-means-no standard, then he could’ve committed a legal infraction. While an outcome of violating Ariana’s confusing personal principle would’ve resulted in rejection, violation of a legal standard could’ve had far more severe consequences.

Yet, only when confused and willing to continue playing Ariana’s shit-testing game could Cooper continue discovering the rules as she imagined them in real-time. This is a matter of irrationality. Moreover, it’s unhealthy. (This is true, even if you think it’s romantic!)

When teaching people about REBT, I encourage critical thinking in a similar fashion as I’ve outlined herein. If Cooper had any sense (good judgment or intelligence manifested by, or absent from, a person) about him, he would’ve altogether walked away from Ariana.

Now, I invite you to contemplate Ariana’s confusing principle. Pay close attention to how frequently this character laughed during the final scene cited herein. She appeared to be having fun while shit-testing Cooper. (If that’s what counts as romantic, count me out!)

As well, Ariana’s no-means-no principle was a thinly veiled standard of boundary setting and was merely a matter of her always being right and Cooper always being wrong (i.e., “figure out why I did it, fix it, and then come home and tell me how sorry you are”). To you, is that healthy?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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