Better Show Respect

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

From fifth to twelfth grade, I befriended members of the Crips. Although different gang sets favored “rags” (bandanas) of various colors, each of my friends showed respect to the primary Crip color: blue. Per the American Psychological Association (APA), respect is thusly defined:

[A]n attitude of, or behavior demonstrating, esteem, honor, regard, concern, and other such positive qualities toward an individual or entity. Respect can serve an important purpose in interpersonal and intergroup relations by aiding in communication, for example.

One method by which respect functioned in communication amongst gang members was through signaling. According to the APA, a signal of this sort is defined as “a presentation of information, usually one that evokes some action or response,” for instance, displaying a rag.

Photo credit, fair use

If a blue rag was signaled to a member of the Bloods, who paid homage to the color red, then this form of signaling was perceived as disrespect. Thereafter, consequences unfolded. Given this gang-related matter of context, an inflexible demandingness derivative comes to mind.

On his album Politician (2018), self-avowed Crip rapper Spider Loc released the song “We Active” which featured rappers C Hecc and Kay Nine the Boss. On the chorus, one of the artists states, “It’s California till the death, nigga! Better show respect, nigga!”

This is an unbending form of demandingness with which I was all too familiar during my youth. Stating that someone “better show respect” is synonymous with demanding that an individual “absolutely must show respect,” as no flexible alternative to this rigid command is provided.

Suppose that someone doesn’t honor a Crip’s unaccommodating demand for respect. I’d provide real-world examples of likely outcomes if the statute of limitations for (alleged) crimes that (may or may not have) resulted were expired. However, there’ll be no dry-snitching herein.

The takeaway lesson is that even if you practice REBT and refuse to self-disturb over matters as relatively insignificant as the color of someone else’s rag, other people may not maintain your healthy perspective. Thus, some people upset themselves regarding rigid demands for respect.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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