I Need You to Follow

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

When recently listening to an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set from Mila Rubio, I heard her spin the track “Red Light Green Light (For Club Play Only, Pt. 6)” by English DJ and music producer Duke Dumont, featuring vocals by Shaun Ross, as lyrics state in part:

There’s two instructions I need you to follow

When I say red light, I need you to stop

When I say green light, I need you to go

Red light, green light

The song reminds me of a game from my childhood. For context, one source states:

Statues (also known as Red Light, Green Light in North America, and Sly Fox, Grandma’s/Grandmother’s Footsteps or Fairy Footsteps in the United Kingdom) is a children’s game. […]

One person starts the game in the “curator” role (It, Granny, Pooh, etc.) and stands at the end of a field. Everyone else playing stands at the far end (distance depends upon playing area selected). The objective of the game is for a “statue” to tag the curator, thereby becoming the curator and resetting the game.

The curator turns their back to the field, and the “statues” attempt to race across and tag the curator.

Whenever the curator turns around, the statues must freeze in position and hold that for as long as the curator looks at them. The curator may even be allowed to walk around the statues, examining them. The curator needs to be careful – whenever the curator’s back is turned, statues are allowed to move.

If a statue is caught moving they are sent back to the starting line to begin again, or, in some versions of the game, eliminated.

When playing Red Light, Green Light as a kid, I’d turn my back to other players and call out “green light!” I then turned quickly and shouted “red light!” As indicated by the aforementioned source, other children recommendatorily must’ve instantly stopped upon my demand.

The reason this was a flexible recommendation and not a rigidly self-disturbing absolute demand was due to the fact the game was voluntary. Aside from not being allowed to participate, there weren’t any unpleasant consequences for the children who disobeyed the curator’s demands.

I presume “Red Light Green Light (For Club Play Only, Pt. 6)” harkens back to this childhood game. Regarding a finer point of the ABC model, Ross issues a number of demands on the track (e.g., I need you to follow). Related to this topic, I stated in the blogpost entitled Want vs. Need:

The subtle difference between a want and a demand is that a desire for something suggests flexibility, whereas a command for such things infers inflexibility.

For instance, if I flexibly hope that my flight will arrive on time and it ultimately doesn’t, I may be disappointed. On the other hand, if I rigidly declare that my flight should arrive on time and it eventually doesn’t, I may end up distraught for having my unhelpful belief violated.

Now, when discussing a “need,” I’m referring to something that is required, because it is essential or a necessity. By “essential,” I’m referencing that which is absolutely necessary.

Herein, “necessity” refers to the fact of being required or indispensable, and “necessary” implies the basic requirements of life, such as food and warmth. As such, a need is that which is absolutely required to sustain life—the things a person literally cannot live without.

Commonly, people conflate wants with needs. On “Red Light Green Light (For Club Play Only, Pt. 6)”, Ross exemplifies this by stating, “I need you to follow,” “I need you to stop,” and, “I need you to go.” Are these expressions of elements which are absolutely required to sustain life?

Of course not! Stating that one needs water, needs food, needs oxygen, and so forth are proper absolutistic demands of life that – if deprived for lengthy period of times – may cause unpleasant consequences (i.e., death). Yet, one doesn’t need to participate in Red Light, Green Light.

Therefore, Ross’s evocation of a “need” is a misnomer (a wrong name or inappropriate designation for a term). I imagine that creators of the EDM track could easily have stated, “I want you to follow,” “I want you to stop,” and, “I want you to go.”

Presuming you understand the finer point of REBT illustrated herein, I invite you to pay close attention to the wants or needs you advocate. Are they absolutely required to sustain life? If not, you may want to Red Light your inflexible beliefs. Then, Green Light your flexible beliefs!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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Duke Dumont. (2019, February 21). Red Light Green Light (For Club Play Only, Pt. 6) [Image; video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/TN7aWHs1eiM?si=jgdSwd6cJkvcR4ti

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