I Still Had to Learn the Hard Way

[DISCLAIMER]

On the talented hip hop producer Apollo Brown’s compilation album Grandeur (2015) is the track “The Hard Way” which features lyricists Saga and Ty Farris. When advising Saga, Ty Farris states:

Knucklehead for life, wish you would’ve took some advice

Shooting dice all night, hit the club, and start a fight

That ain’t right

That’s why you writing, and your homie is doing that time

‘Cause you was really doing that stupid shit you threw in your rhymes

If you trying to stay alive, little nigga, swallow your pride

Let the little shit slide, and always follow your mind

I view Ty Farris’s guidance to Saga as a flexible form of encouragement. Still, as is often the case in life, some people apparently seek to “learn the hard way.” Describing this phrase, one source states:

By bad or difficult experiences; also, by one’s own efforts. For example, Bill found out the hard way that interest on his credit-card debt can mount up fast, or No one can teach you how—you’ll just have to learn it the hard way.

This expression comes from shooting craps (a dice game), where it refers to making an even-numbered point such as six by throwing doubles (two three’s). Since there are more unmatching combinations that can produce the same number (four and two, five and one), the odds against throwing doubles are higher, hence the difficulty.

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I find that some individuals learn the hard way. This was seemingly the case for Saga on “The Hard Way”, as both Ty Farris and Saga thusly contribute to the song’s hook:

I can tell you who will be fam’, and who will betray

(But I still had to learn the hard way)

I can save you from those who don’t do what they say

(But I still had to learn the hard way)

I can tell you in the end everything is okay

(But I still had to learn the hard way)

Yeah, we got a little hustle, and we’re winning today

(But I still had to learn the hard way)

For those who apparently have to learn the hard way, life can be a lot more burdensome than necessary. Too bad! We all make our choices. Still, in this post, I’ll provide encouragement to you, like Ty Farris gave to Saga in “The Hard Way”, so that maybe you’ll make better choices.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

Worth noting, the two forms of should, must, and ought demands with which people most often distress or disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional beliefs. Generally speaking, these scripts serve as inflexible commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of self-upset.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still functioning as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Worth noting, the phrases “have to” and “had to” are derivatives of demandingness. If used inflexibly, I may require that you absolutely have to do what I say. In turn, you may ignore me, make poor choices, and then flexibly state, “I still [preferably] had to learn the hard way.”

Addressing how people upset themselves with inflexible attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

In all honesty, you don’t have to do what I say. You’re welcome to make unhelpful choices. After all, some people who’ve made poor choices in the past apparently had to learn the hard way. If or when you’re done making life unnecessarily burdensome, I may be available to help.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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