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A Special Burden

  • Writer: Deric Hollings
    Deric Hollings
  • Apr 19
  • 12 min read

 

With Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I opt for use of self about which one source states, “The term use of self in therapy refers specifically to the ways in which the therapist draws upon their own feelings, experiences or personality to enhance the therapeutic process.”

 

As “feelings” were referenced by the aforementioned source, I find it valuable to clarify what this element represents in regard to the construct of beliefs. I say this because “I feel” that people generally misuse this term. (If you don’t see what I did there, then you gon’ learn today!)

 

A “feeling” relates to either: 1. Emotion (i.e., joy, fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, surprise, etc.) or 2. Sensation (e.g., tightened or stiffened jaw). If the word “feel” (or any derivative thereof) can be replaced with “hunch,” “thought,” or “belief” (or any derivative thereof), it’s not a feeling.

 

Thus, it’s improper to say something along the lines of “I feel like you did that to get back at me,” because what one typically intends on communicating is “I believe that you did that to get back at me.” Noteworthy, there’s a foundation for quibbling with this sort of misuse.

 

In REBT, unfavorable beliefs which lead to unpleasant consequences are rigorously challenged. However, feelings (i.e., emotions and sensations) aren’t confronted. Thus, proper use of feelings-based language affords a person the opportunity to examine the logic and reason one uses.

 

Here, “logic” is the interrelation or sequence of facts or events when seen as inevitable or predictable, and “reason” is a statement offered in explanation or justification. For instance, a modus ponens syllogism uses the following logical form: If p, then q; p; therefore, q.

 

As an example, if you don’t like learning about my irrational beliefs (p), then you may not appreciate this blogpost (q). You don’t like learning about my irrational beliefs (p). Therefore, you may not appreciate this blogpost (q). (I “feel” like you’re just being closeminded.)

 

Having (1) adequately distinguished between feelings and beliefs and (2) alluded to beliefs which aren’t rational (in accordance with both logic and reason), I now move toward two longtime irrational beliefs which have automatically appeared throughout my life.

 

The first unaccommodating belief relates to being a burden (something oppressive or worrisome that’s figuratively carried by others). For context, from the perspective of REBT, people are not their ideas, beliefs, or behavior. For years, I believed that I was a burden, not merely my actions.

 

In similar fashion, on his album Makin’ Enemies (2015), lyricist K-Rino stated on the song “The Burden Robe”, “I have to pull my mind back from the darkness to a true place of light, before this burden overtakes me.” When a person believes oneself to be a burden, life can be hard!

 

The second disobliging belief I’ve maintained regards being special (distinguished by some unusual quality, especially held in particular esteem). For clarity, from the view of REBT, self-confidence and self-esteem aren’t essential for well-being, though self-acceptance is.

 

My issue for years was akin to what rapper Young Thug said on his song “Special”, featuring rapper Offset of the Migos and rapper Solo Lucci, from the mixtape I’m Up (2016), by stating “I feel special” when actually conveying “I believe that I’m special,” as it’s properly expressed.

 

In essence, for whatever reason, I (1) believed that I was a burden and (2) believed that I was special—or at least had better have been held in high esteem within the eyes of other people. Given these troublesome beliefs, I now turn toward two major techniques used in REBT.

 

First, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

 

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

 

Worth noting, the two forms of should, must, and ought demands with which people most often distress or disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional beliefs. Generally speaking, these scripts serve as inflexible commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

 

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of self-upset.

 

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

 

While still functioning as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

 

Unhelpfully, for many years, I Believed, “I’m a burden [G], and I therefore absolutely must be viewed as special [D]!” This unaccommodating portion of a full-on GLAD script also distortedly infers that “it would be awful [A] not to be special” and “I can’t stand being a burden [L]!”

 

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

 

For the second major tool of REBT, unconditional acceptance (UA) is used to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

 

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

 

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

 

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

 

Favorably, I eventually learned to separate my ideas, beliefs, and behavior from myself as a fallible human being (USA). As well, I’ve since used rational beliefs regarding how I may not be able to convince others that I have value (UOA), though I still retain self-worth (USA).

 

Moreover, I recognize that human existence is impermanent and uncertain, as I have control and influence over very little in life (ULA), yet I can control my reaction to my perceivably burdensome behavior and the fact that others may not think that I’m all too special (USA).

 

Now, I share with you this psychoeducational lesson which is facilitated by use of self. If you unproductively believe yourself to be a special burden, then I invite you to dispute your rigid attitude. I’ve done it! Personally, I’m the a-okayest that I’ve ever been! How about you?

 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW


 

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