I Want What I Want

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

When recently listening to an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set by Yulia Niko, I heard her spin the track “Things We Might Have Said” (2016) by Dutch DJ and record producer Reinier Zonneveld. As I understand, Cari Golden provided vocals for the song. The lyrics state:

One foot on the Earth, as the other in the air

My balance

Is it here or is it there?

I want what I want!

Between my heart and my head, I know it isn’t there

Oh, how I suffer!

My body needs and my soul doesn’t care

Or is it showing

I could take it or leave?

My heart, a deep breath

Oh, without knowing

If I’m alive or if I’m dead

Body to body

Do I make it real

Or leave it my head?

Which one is sweeter

When I look behind at things we might have said?

Things we might have said [x3]

I shake my head

(Once more [x4])

I enjoy the pulsating rhythm of the song! In any case, the track addresses wants versus needs, as I addressed this matter thusly in a blogpost entitled A Demanded Thing Is a Necessary One:

Noteworthy, there remains a difference between a demand and a desire—to want, long, or hope for something. Whereas an unmet demand results in self-disturbed fear, anger, sorrow, or disgust, an unrealized desire leads to frustration, disappointment, irritation, or annoyance.

Given my interpretation of the lyrics, a demanded desire is expressed when Golden states, “I want what I want!” The unpleasant consequence of this inflexible demandingness script is that the lyrics then express, “Oh, how I suffer!”

Thus, the distorted inference is as though Golden expresses, “I must have what I must have!” Suppose she doesn’t get what she demands, will the vocalist die? Of course not, at least not in this case. If she needed water and couldn’t acquire it, she would eventually die.

Yet, not receiving the affection one demands won’t necessarily cause death. Rather, Golden would be guilty of causing her own self-disturbed outcome. Presuming you understand this distinction, I invite you to consider the scripts you use and how they impact you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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