Could’ve, Would’ve, Should’ve: I Could Waste My Time for You
- Deric Hollings
- 6 days ago
- 9 min read
“I know, I’m not supposed to use ‘could’ve, would’ve, or should’ve,” client X erroneously stated during our recent session, during which I advocated use of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). At this point in the blogpost, some definitions may be useful.
The term “could’ve” is a contraction for “could have,” meaning that something was possible in the past, or someone had the ability or a chance to do something, but one did not actually do it. For instance, I could’ve been born into a wealthy family, though that wasn’t the case.
The term “would’ve” is a contraction for “would have,” meaning that an action, event, or state did not actually happen in the past, but it was possible, imagined, or intended under different conditions. For example, I would’ve been rich if I was born into wealth, yet that wasn’t the case.
The term “should’ve” is a contraction of “should have,” meaning that a past action was the right, wise, or preferable choice, but it did not actually happen. For instance, I preferably should’ve been born wealthy, though that wasn’t the case. Now for a psychoeducational lesson on REBT.
REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Worth noting, the two forms of should, must, and ought demands with which people most often distress or disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional beliefs. Generally speaking, these scripts serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.
An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of self-upset.
While still functioning as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Provided this clarification, client X erred when saying, “I know, I’m not supposed to use ‘could’ve, would’ve, or should’ve.” Both “supposed to” and “should’ve” in this context represent preferable should beliefs, which are rational and healthy. Client X is encouraged to use them!
For instance, suppose that whatever it was for which client X expressed a flexible preference wasn’t something that actually resulted. It could’ve or would’ve been nice, though it wasn’t as though client X absolutely or conditionally should’ve gotten what one desired.
For illustrative purposes, imagine that client X didn’t desire to waste one’s time (the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues). “Person Y preferably shouldn’t waste my time,” client X could’ve believed without use of rigidity.
Still, person Y then wasted client X’s time. As this occurred when client X used a flexible Belief, client X would’ve then endured a negative and healthy Consequence (e.g., disappointment), which was tolerable and preferable to a negative and unhealthy outcome (e.g., anger).
When further thinking about this matter, I’m reminded of an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set by TRYAD, during which he spun the track “Waste My Time (Chris Avantgarde Remix)” by Kölsch and CamelPhat, and which was remixed by Chris Avantgarde. The lyrics state:
Your timing is so untimely
As I read these words, ooh
Never too late, and never later
Nothing that ever hurts, ooh
I don’t wanna waste my time
But I could waste my time for you, ooh
The inference in the cited lyrics is that the vocalist’s time, like client X’s measurement of life, preferably shouldn’t be wasted. All the same, the vocalist expressed the term “could,” used an alternative to “can,” suggesting less force or certainty or as a polite form in the present.
This flexible expression ostensibly states, “My time preferably shouldn’t be wasted, though I preferably could waste my time for you.” When envisioning this accommodating lyric, another REBT technique comes to mind.
Specifically, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Favorably, the matter for which client X recently sought REBT services was resolved by use of UA. “I know, I’m not supposed to use ‘could’ve, would’ve, or should’ve,” client X erroneously stated, “but I just unconditionally accepted the situation, and it all worked out!” Awwwready!!
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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