A Clean Break: Somebody That I Used to Know

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

When listening to an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set by TRYAD, I heard him open with the track “Somebody That I Used to Know” (2024) by Anii, PJERO, and Aurora Blasi. It’s a remix to Gotye’s song “Somebody That I Used to Know” (2011) featuring Kimbra.

According to one source, “Somebody That I Used to Know’ was written and recorded by Gotye at his parents’ house on the Mornington Peninsula in Victoria, Australia, and is lyrically related to the experiences he has had with romantic relationships.” Lyrics of the popular song include:

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadness

Like resignation to the end, always the end

So when we found that we could not make sense

Well, you said that we would still be friends

But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened and that we were nothin’

And I don’t even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough

No, you didn’t have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records and then change your number

Guess that I don’t need that, though

Now, you’re just somebody that I used to know [x3]

Gotye uses a flexible derivative of a should-type belief. When stating “you didn’t have to cut me off,” it’s as though the artist is expressing that his intimate partner “shouldn’t have” ended contact. This song resonates deeply with me, as I stated in Standing on the Shoulders of Giants:

My ex-girlfriend was someone from whom I also learned. Perhaps most importantly, she taught me about the significance of a clean break when she referenced Proverbs 26:11, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” When she left me, so went repeated folly.

Prior to that particular intimate partner, I attempted to retain (at minimal) friendship regarding the women with whom I’d entered romantic relationships. Favorably, my last girlfriend (over a decade ago) taught me the importance of a clean break. About this matter, one source states:

Many relationship endings remain incomplete and become increasingly toxic because people refuse to make a clean break. Instead of moving on, the shifting of what was an exclusive intimate relationship into friends-with-benefits arrangement generally only serves to cheapen the original connection and leaves people feeling used. Many people go on for months or even years of being caught in a relationship that makes them feel bad about themselves and hateful about their partner.

The most tragic residue of all of these dishonorable endings is that it leaves both partners broken and unable to celebrate the growth and intimacy that they shared. When relationship history is plagued with only bitter memories, there are no grounds for moving forward. Truly our present moment grows from the integrity of our past, and nowhere more so than within our hearts. End the rebound cycle by living fully through the endings; this is where a new beginning takes shape.

When my last ex-girlfriend left me while having friends assist her in a similar way described in “Somebody That I Used to Know”, I’d already practiced REBT for several years by that point. While I was healthily self-distressed, it wasn’t as though I often unhealthily self-disturbed.

Did she “have to” cut me off? I suppose not. Nevertheless, I’m grateful that she did. Her clean break from me afforded an opportunity to fully process the loss of a loving relationship without re-experiencing the love sick chemicals a fallible human being’s body releases during a breakup.

Speaking of returning to vomit and repeating folly, refusal to enact a clean break strategy is a method for descending to the depths of suffering. No thank you! I argue that the overwhelming majority of intimate partner relationships in a person’s life aren’t successful from start till death.

Why belabor the failure of a breakup, divorce, or otherwise? In “Somebody That I Used to Know”, Gotye states, “No, you didn’t have to stoop so low.” This phrase distortedly infers that one oughtn’t to have behaved as one did, which may suggest inflexibility. Yet, I beg to differ.

Whether being “cut” off or experiencing a “clean break,” I maintain that one’s GLAD beliefs about a failed relationship (of any variety) are what cause distress or disturbance. In essence, it isn’t that Gotye’s former partner stooped low. Rather, the artist ostensibly dragged himself low.

Now, I invite you to consider whether or not making matters worse is in your interests or goals when experiencing the dissolution of any relationship. A clean break was perhaps the best end to my last romantic relationship. The same method of rational living may also serve you well.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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