Had Better

[DISCLAIMER]

When growing up under the tenets of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, my dad instructed me that I “had better” not bow or kneel to anyone other than Jehovah. Confusingly, his prescription clashed with a relatively common practice observed elsewhere in society regarding marriage proposals.

Per one source, “The tradition of a man (or woman) proposing on one knee comes from medieval knights bowing before noblewomen as a show of respect. That said, this common gesture, accompanied by the question ‘Will you marry me?’, is a somewhat recent phenomenon.”

Similarly, another source states of kneeling for a marriage proposal, “It’s strongly associated with older formal gestures of devotion and loyalty—particularly medieval homage, where kneeling symbolised commitment and submission to a vow.”

Straying from my religious roots, I proposed on one knee to only one woman in my life, which declined my request for her hand in marriage. That instance occurred shortly before I attended graduate school four counseling and learned of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

This psychotherapeutic modality was first developed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis. Now, I’ll demonstrate use of a major tool promoted by Ellis and his colleagues. For illustrative purposes, I invite you to consider how I upset myself when my marriage proposal was rejected.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought demands with which people most often distress or disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as inflexible commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C outlook, I proposed to a woman (Action) and she rejected my offer for marriage (Consequence). In this impermanent and uncertain life, not all proposals are accepted. Still, the A-C connection didn’t cause my reaction. Instead, the B-C connection resulted in self-upset.

My offer for marriage was rejected (Action) and I unproductively Believed, “I’m worthless without her [G], and it makes me sick that she said ‘no’ [L], because it’s awful being rejected [A], so I shouldn’t have dropped to one knee when I knew that I ‘had better’ not do so [D]!”

Whereas A-C connections repeatedly occur throughout one’s lifecycle, an individual may unhelpfully cause self-distress or self-disturbance regarding these undesirable events when using B-C connections, as my unaccommodating script led to sorrow and humiliation (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Favorably, I focused on REBT during my graduate studies and learned how to stop self-upsetting. As well, it was during that time that I didn’t fully comprehend the nuances of demandingness, as I took a dogmatic stance regarding should, must, and ought beliefs.

For context, my dad’s moral prescription “had better” represents a demandingness derivative. In essence, my dad instructed that I absolutely mustn’t bow or kneel to anyone other than Jehovah. Regarding nuanced distinctions of this sort, one REBT source states (page 111):

In preparing for this critique, I read much more material than appears in the reference list and noted that over the past 10 years a most unfortunate phrase has crept into most of the [REBT] literature: had better. Since the categorical imperatives—should, ought, and must—are presumed to be at the core of many irrational beliefs, Ellis et al. go out of their way to avoid these words in their speech and writing.

For years after understanding, believing in, and practicing REBT, I went out of my way to avoid use of should, must, and ought narratives. It was a daunting task, as I was ignorant about the subtle differences between different types of demands. The REBT source continues (page 111):

Instead of should or must, they employ the term had better. The assumption is that the implied imperative of a should, ought, or must is thereby avoided, and a preference rather than an absolutistic demand is conveyed. Thus, a typical passage reads as follows: “To help people change their fundamental irrational beliefs (iBs), therapists had better actively-defectively use many cognitive-emotive, and behavioral methods; had better be scientific and experimental during therapy sessions; and had better teach their clients how to use the scientific method in their own lives” (Ellis, 1985b, pp. 178-179, italics added).

When I discovered REBT literature in which Ellis used the phrase “had better,” I was puzzled. How was it that the leading founder of REBT was encouraging disputation of demandingness while also endorsing use of the term “had better”? The REBT source continues (page 111):

After checking with several friends and associates, it appears that I am by no means alone in feeling that had better carries a threatening tone. As a child, in my home, the violation of a parental edict preceded by had better was always far more ominous than the nonobservance of a should. “You should try to be home before midnight,”' suggested that a 30-minute leeway existed, whereas “You had better try [to] be home before midnight” indicated that anything after the stroke of 12 was unacceptable.

My dad saying that I “had better” never bow or kneel to anyone other than Jehovah was no suggestion. It was his edict of an absolute demand. There was no wiggle room whereby my soul may be spared torment for violating his command. The REBT source continues (page 111):

“You must try some of my special meatloaf!” is an enthusiastic host’s invitation to sample something really tasty. It readily permits refusal: “Thanks anyway but I’m too stuffed.” When my mother said, “You had better eat some meatloaf,” the implication was that negotiation was nonexistent. The problem, of course, is that many words have a variety of semantic meanings.

My dad also demanded that I “had better” eat all the food on my plate. It wasn’t a mere suggestion, because I was spanked for violating his inflexible declaration. Thus, when Ellis used “had better,” there was a clear connection for rigidity. The REBT source continues (page 111):

As Dryden (1986b) has pointed out, should can mean “I absolutely should,” but it can also mean “I preferably should.” He goes on, “It also has an empirical meaning (e.g., given the empirical conditions that exist in the world at this present time, the sun should come up in the morning). It can also refer to matters of recommendation (e.g., ‘You really should go and see Chariots of Fire’).

Dryden’s distinctions fundamentally changed my approach to personal and professional practice of REBT! Understanding these subtle differences, I reintroduced various flexible forms of demand and derivatives thereof into my lexicon. The REBT source continues (page 111):

I have on more than one occasion heard novice [REBT therapists challenge such nonabsolutistic shoulds (p. 39). Thus, the statement, “Tom’s plane is due in at 6:30 so he should be here soon,” carries no ominous undertones or implicit demands. “Tom’s plane is due in at 6:30 so he had better be here soon” is an implied threat.

I’ve gone to great lengths within the past 1,000 blogposts (of over 2,000 in total) to illustrate the nuanced forms of demandingness. Perhaps you had better read more of my blog content so that you can appreciate these differences. (See what I did there? That was a recommendatory should.)

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Freepik, fair use

References:

AEI. (n.d.). About Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://albertellis.org/about-albert-ellis-phd/

Bernard, M. E. and and DiGiuseppe, R. (1989). Inside Rational Emotive Therapy: A Critical Appraisal of the Theory and Therapy of Albert Ellis. Academic Press. Retrieved from https://welib.st/md5/bd902025f5aa5228033fcf1963fe9279

David, D. (2014, January). The empirical status of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) theory & practice. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=26813393d7370232253cf964c38a4a03d98b0b97

Dryden, W. (n.d.). Windy Dryden – About [Official website]. Retrieved from https://www.windydryden.com/about

Hollings, D. (2024, May 24). A scientific approach to mental health. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/a-scientific-approach-to-mental-health

Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Absolutistic should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/absolutistic-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, January 18). Active and directive. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/active-and-directive

Hollings, D. (2025, October 19). Adhering to invisible scripts. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/adhering-to-invisible-scripts

Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions

Hollings, D. (2024, August 7). Awfulizing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/awfulizing

Hollings, D. (2024, May 19). Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/cognitive-behavior-therapy-cbt

Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Conditional should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/conditional-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, May 27). Confusion. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/confusion

Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation

Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness

Hollings, D. (2022, October 5). Description vs. prescription. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/description-vs-prescription

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2025, September 16). Dispute with respect. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/dispute-with-respect

Hollings, D. (2025, March 12). Distress vs. disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/distress-vs-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Empirical should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/empirical-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2025, December 5). Evaluations and appraisals: Men are gross, trash, and pigs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/evaluations-and-appraisals-men-are-gross-trash-and-pigs

Hollings, D. (2025, October 28). Expressive individualism and religion. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/expressive-individualism-and-religion

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2026, February 13). Five, four, three… beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/five-four-three-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (2023, September 13). Global evaluations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/global-evaluations

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2024, June 28). Ib and therapy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ib-in-therapy

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Ideal should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ideal-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2025, January 26). Ignorance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ignorance

Hollings, D. (2024, October 21). Impermanence and uncertainty. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/impermanence-and-uncertainty

Hollings, D. (2024, February 14). Insufferable vs. undesirable. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/insufferable-vs-undesirable

Hollings, D. (2025, October 13). Knowledge, wisdom, understanding. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/knowledge-wisdom-understanding

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Legal should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/legal-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance

Hollings, D. (2026, March 7). Mind, body, and soul. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/mind-body-soul

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Moral and ethical should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/moral-and-ethical-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, October 2). Morals and ethics. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/morals-and-ethics

Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude

Hollings, D. (2025, August 2). My philosophy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-philosophy

Hollings, D. (2024, November 4). Net of devotion. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/net-of-devotion

Hollings, D. (2024, April 22). On disputing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-disputing

Hollings, D. (2023, September 3). On feelings. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-feelings

Hollings, D. (2025, April 25). Preferences vs. expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferences-vs-expectations

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Preferential should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferential-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Psychoeducation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychoeducation

Hollings, D. (2023, September 15). Psychotherapeutic modalities. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapeutic-modalities

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2025, August 13). Rational versus irrational thoughts and beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-versus-irrational-thoughts-and-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, July 18). REBT flexibility. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-flexibility

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous

Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2026, March 31). Shortsighted fundamentalism and dogmatic attitudes. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/shortsighted-fundamentalism-and-dogmatic-attitudes

Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought

Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2022, December 25). The B-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-b-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2023, August 6). The science. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-science

Hollings, D. (2025, April 15). This cake smells unpleasant. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/this-cake-smells-unpleasant

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model

Hollings, D. (2024, January 16). Understanding, belief, and practice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/understanding-belief-and-practice

Hollings, D. (2026, February 17). Unexpected strings: Escapism and avoidance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unexpected-strings-escapism-and-avoidance

Hollings, D. (2024, October 26). Unhelpful expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhelpful-expectations

Jcomp. (n.d.). Happy portrait of couple surprise marriage [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/happy-portrait-couple-surprise-marriage_4740647.htm#fromView=search&page=3&position=3&uuid=acab996c-9233-4bce-9d52-ec4906dd51be&query=nagging

Pierre-Louis, C. (2026, January 4). The history and meaning of proposing on one knee. Brides. Retrieved from https://www.brides.com/story/propose-on-one-knee-tradition

Ward, B. (n.d.). Why do people propose on one knee? History, meaning & modern etiquette. Boutee. Retrieved from https://www.boutee.co.uk/blog/the-history-meaning-of-proposing-on-one-knee

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Chariots of Fire. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chariots_of_Fire

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Jehovah’s Witnesses. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jehovah%27s_Witnesses

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Semantics. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semantics