I Can't Let Go, 'Cause I Gotta Make It Come True

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

Around the same time that the above photo of me and my former stepdaughter was taken, New Zealand lyricist Scribe released his debut studio album The Crusader (2003). I recall my Kiwi friend “PJ” telling about the anthology and about how much she thought I’d like it.

She wasn’t wrong! For those hip hop heads who missed out on Scribe’s contribution to rap, I encourage you to check out his musical catalog. For instance, from The Crusader, the lyricist released the song “Dreaming” which was produced by New Zealand DJ and producer P-Money.

According to one source, “Dreaming’ is about Scribe’s childhood ambitions, which gives it an ‘autobiographical out-from-under theme…without sounding clichéd or tryhard.” As they pertain to the current blogpost, lyrics of the hook state:

I was down and out, struggling

Wondering how I’m gonna make it through

I got a dream, holding on

I can’t let go, ‘cause I gotta make it come true

In the hook, a vocalist uses a flexible form of demandingness. Specifically, stating that “I gotta make it come true” is synonymous with expressing “I preferably should make it come true” regarding one’s dreams, aspirations, or interests and goals for achieving success.

When further contemplating the topic of childhood ambitions, I reflect upon the above photo and think about how a client of mine recently asked, “Do you have any children?” I responded, “I did once—a stepdaughter who I helped raise from six-months-old till five-years-old.”

I’ve not had contact with my former stepdaughter since the week of her fifth birthday, if memory serves. One hopes she’s achieved success if she’s had dreams, aspirations, or interests and goals. Preferably, she’s gotta continue making those elements come true while awake.

This requires personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”), because not much comes to a dreamer other than a dream. Yet, when taking personal ownership for what happens when one is awake, then one has preferably gotta do the work needed to attain success.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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