Something’s Gotta Give: And if It Doesn’t?

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

On The Setup (2007), a mixtape by one of my favorite Canadian lyricists, known as Eternia, is the song “Putcha Hands Up” which was produced by DJ 3D and features Brooklyn lyricist Wordsworth. Similar to the favor I have for Eternia’s craft, this track is subjectively beloved!

On the song, she states, “Sacrifice for this, so what’s left to give? Something’s gotta give. We tryin’a live this prosperous. But who cares? Who says this is all there is? For right now, get down, ‘cmon, pump ya fist!” Eternia completely bodied DJ 3D’s beat with her unique flow!

Pertaining to this blogpost, as I interpret the meaning, the lyricist’s phrase “something’s gotta give” is a flexible demandingness derivative. It’s ostensibly synonymous with saying that “something preferably ought to give,” as it relates to relief from an undesirable situation.

Something has got to give? And if it doesn’t? Well, Eternia answers this inferred question in the cited lyrics. Specifically, she states, “But who cares? Who says this is all there is? For right now, get down, ‘cmon, pump ya fist!” This is where the lyricist’s flexibility is on full display.

I view Eternia’s answer to the potential of a flexible demand not coming to fruition as akin to the helpful REBT tool of unconditional acceptance (UA). Flexibly, the lyricist apparently believes that relief from an undesirable circumstance preferably should result.

However, as so often happens in an impermanent and uncertain life, one’s wishes, dreams, hopes, and otherwise aren’t fulfilled. Factually speaking, this is more often the case than not. Therefore, a flexible demandingness derivative is first used by Eternia.

Then, she expresses a narrative in alignment with UA. Ergo, if (or more likely when) her flexible demand isn’t satisfied, she’s already prepared to live “right now.” This means that she won’t self-distress or self-disturb about the past or future, as life may be lived only right now.

Currently, I invite you to consider use of flexible forms of demandingness. As an example, you preferably should practice REBT. Likewise, I encourage you to practice UA. For instance, if you choose not to practice REBT, then okay. Maybe you’d instead like to check out Eternia’s music.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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