Trust and No Take-Backs: What Is Done Is Done

[DISCLAIMER]

In elementary school, my sisters and I were latchkey kids (children who return to an empty home after school, or who are often left at home with no supervision). Frequently subject to boredom, we found novel ways of entertaining ourselves—often to the detriment of one another.

Employing a psychotherapeutic technique known as use of self, I told client X, “My sisters and I would intentionally drag our thick cotton socks across 1980’s plush carpet, generating lots of static electricity, and then call out for each other, only to shock the shit outta one another!”

Client X laughed, as this individual learned a psychoeducational lesson about trust. “Sometimes,” I told client X, “we’d jump on a neighbor’s trampoline, deliberately trying to bounce each other off of the platform. Then, there was the dreaded ‘dookie bomb’ of pain!”

A “dookie [i.e., feces] bomb” is properly executed when a child assumes a crisscross applesauce sitting pose while another child bounces the kid into the air, preferably up to the full length of a standing body. The bounced kid then yells “dookie bomb” while generating momentum.

The transfer from kinetic to potential energy upon impact with one’s bounced buttocks onto the trampoline surface then results in sudden leg instability of any unsuspecting child who’s unfortunate to be caught mid-bounce. The force of this maneuver results in leg-buckling.

Thus, the child whose legs give way under the force of a dookie bomb usually sustains some mild-to-moderate injuries (i.e., bruises, scrapes, broken bones, etc.). Client X again laughed, thereafter voicing that the lesson on trust was understood.

For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines trust as “reliance on or confidence in the dependability of someone or something.” I informed client X that people often misunderstand what trust is and how it functions.

For instance, people in my personal and professional capacities have often expressed their misperceptions of trust equating to receiving what one desires. This was the childish interpretation of trust that my sisters and I quickly disregarded in our youth.

As an example, if I heard one of my sisters call out to me from another room, “Hey, Deric, c’mere!” I reasoned that I could trust that something unpleasant would occur. I could’ve been shocked, tickled, or even subject to the feared “Booty-Snatcha’,” as the latter requires context.

For full disclosure, I didn’t tell client X about the Booty-Snatcha’. However, since you’ve found your way to my blog, then you’ll be privy to information that client X didn’t receive with professional use of self. Bear in mind that the ‘80s were wild, so judge accordingly.

My late mom often warned my sisters and me about sexual assault and rape. Whether actual or imagined events, there were virtually countless stories of children being snatched off the streets, sometimes in broad daylight, and carried off to be molested and then murdered.

My sisters and I, in our latchkey kid boredom, created an imaginary character named the Booty-Snatcha’. He (when enacted by me) or she (when enacted by my sisters) would patiently wait around corners within the home, voraciously snatching the buttocks of others who walked by.

So, when I heard a call-out from another room in the house, I learned to trust that something unpleasant would occur. By the APA definition of trust, I relied on, or had confidence in, the dependability of my sisters shocking me, grabbin’ my ass, or some other unforeseen event.

Once my sisters and I dispatched with the common misunderstanding of trust, we then developed a principle and standard regarding serious or emergent events. For instance, if my mom told one of my sisters to beckon me, my siblings and I preferably should’ve had a code for such cases.

Therefore, as a matter of agreed upon trust, as opposed to merely self-ascribed trust, we came up with two rules: 1) “Trust words.” 2) “No take-backs.” Regarding the former, I stated in a blogpost entitled Trust Words:

When I was a child, my sisters and I had a phrase we’d use with each other to ensure the legitimacy of a claim. The automatic assumption was that anything not accompanied by “trust words” was suspicious.

For instance, I could say something like, “Mom said to tell you to c’mere and I think she’s angry.” My older sister would then issue a challenge by replying, “Trust words?”

For context, my sisters and I often intentionally deceived one another. When “trust words” was evoked, the agreed upon rule was that there could be no manner of deception or pranking in relation to the authenticated message.

Thinking back to the well-earned skepticism, there were sufficient antics which warranted the need for a method of narrative verification. The fundamental principle underling “trust words” was the promise of truthfulness. For that moral code, I remain grateful.

When using trust words, it was understood that there would be severe consequences for whoever violated the agreed upon code (i.e., not self-ascribed trust). For the sibling who foolishly toiled with the first rule, “no take-backs” was then instituted.

According to one source, no take-backs is “the command that instructs another party that once they have given you something [e.g., the promise of agreed upon trust] they cannot change their mind.” As we were fallible human beings, my sisters and I sometimes violated our own rules.

Therefore, if trust words was violated and the offending sibling immediately regretted the violation, one may’ve whined about the forthcoming consequences. “I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it,” was often expressed. However, the aggrieved party would respond, “No take-backs!”

This response indicated that one’s punishment was nonnegotiable or irrevocable. Looking back, I’m impressed that my sisters and I were mature enough to have instituted a system of checks and balances which regulated our adaptive and maladaptive behavior.

In any event, no take-backs eventually evolved into a form of taunting toward others. For example, my older sister would offer the last cookie in a container, I would eagerly accept, and then my older sister would say, “Psyche,” gobble the cookie, and then say, “No take-backs!”

The implication was, to use a tautology, what is done is done! There was literally no taking back what already occurred. When further contemplating this matter, a psychoeducational lesson on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) now comes to mind.

Before expanding upon this matter, I’ll add that I’m reminded of two hip hop songs. First, on the collaborative album between rapper and singer Hemlock Ernst and producer Height Keech, The Fall Collection (2023), was the song “With the Devil”.

Hemlock Ernst stated, “I embrace with grace, taste, replace, chase, debased in hopes that I could win on stages, where I depend for my life and times. Invented masks that could cover up my whole life line, and what is passed, them years that I can’t get back. And no take-backs, and all things pass, so go face facts.”

The flexible perspective expressed by Hemlock Ernst is one that ties directly into my practice of REBT, in that it recognizes that what is done is done! To provide a meaningful demonstrative, I invite you to consider the following animated digital image of me shooting a pistol.

Once a round of ammunition exited the barrel of my Glock, there were no take-backs. What was done was done! Now, the second song that comes to mind is featured on the collaborative album by lyricist Paavo and producer Chill da God, You Offer More Dead (2023).

The track is “Bulls Around China”, featuring lyricist IBE Hustles. On it, Paavo states, “Time tickin’. You can’t ignore what comes out the lick. No take-backs, ungrateful, miserable, piece of shit!” Whereas Hemlock Ernst used a flexible no take-backs rule, Paavo used an inflexible form.

The latter is similar to how use of no take-backs rule devolved to a form of taunting between my sisters and me. Irrespective of flexible or inflexible use, what’s done is done either way. This conclusion is flexible, because one cannot undo what is already done, so one then has options.

Now, pertaining to a psychoeducational lesson, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Regarding one’s circle of control and USA, an individual may acknowledge that one controls one’s own reaction to undesirable events (e.g., getting one’s buttocks grabbed by the Booty-Snatcha’). What is done is done, and once it’s done, one controls how one responds to the event!

Concerning one’s circle of influence and UOA, a person may admit that other flawed individuals sometimes violate agreed upon principles and standards of trust, as well as self-ascribed trust. Thus, one can trust that fallible people will behave fallibly. No take-backs when that happens!

Relating to one’s circle of concern and ULA, one may recognize that life is impermanent and uncertain. People shock the shit outta one another, drop dookie bombs, play Booty-Snatcha’, and sometimes get shot by Glocks. Trust words, there are no take-backs with most events in life!

As for one’s area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which trust equates to an individual receiving everything one desires, that’s not how life actually works. If one finds oneself in such a dimension, then one is likely dreaming. Wake the fuck up! This is reality, no take-backs!

Client X voiced understanding of, and appreciation for, the psychoeducational lesson contained herein. Now, I invite you to consider the matter of flexible and inflexible no take-backs. From a UA perspective, even if you experience an undesirable event, you control how you react to it.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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