I Wish I Could Take the Pain Away
Lyricist 2Pac released his third studio album, Me Against the World (1995), during my senior year of high school. Per my recollection, my peers who weren’t as focused on rap as I expressed adoration for the album. On it was the track “Dear Mama”, about which one source states:
Dedicated to his mother, Afeni Shakur, Shakur [2Pac] details his childhood poverty and his mother’s addiction to crack cocaine, but argues that his love and deep respect for his mother supersede bad memories. […] “Dear Mama” has been consistently ranked among the best of its genre, appearing on numerous “greatest” lists.
Although I’d lost love form my mom for years prior to its release, I recall my friend “1/2 Ton” dedicating the song to his mother. One line 1/2 Ton repeated for her was, “I wish I could take the pain away.” For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines a wish:
1. in classical psychoanalytic theory, the psychological manifestation of a biological instinct that operates on a conscious or unconscious level.
2. in general language, any desire or longing.
Also, the APA defines pain as “an unpleasant sensation resulting from damage to nerve tissue, stimulation of free nerve endings, or excessive stimulation (e.g., extremely loud sounds),” and states, “Although pain is generally considered a physical phenomenon, it involves various cognitive, affective, and behavioral factors.”
Additionally, the APA defines psychic pain as “intolerable pain caused by intense psychological suffering (rather than physical dysfunction). At its extreme, prolonged psychic pain can lead to suicide attempts.” Physiological and psychological pain correlates with unpleasant outcomes.
While 1/2 Ton’s sentimentality regarding his mom and the 2Pac line was laudable, I argue that one cannot take away the pain of another. Herein, I’ll provide a psychoeducational lesson on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), as it pertains to my argument.
Now, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the event itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):
REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).
Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.
Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world, wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C view, a mother experiences pain during childbirth (Action), as she then receives epidural administration which causes a loss of sensation, including pain (Consequence). Yet, from a B-C perspective, one’s psychic pain isn’t taken away simply by loving a person.
For example, 1/2 Ton’s mom had psychic pain (Action), he hypothetically Believed, “Pain is bad [G], and I can’t stand that my mom is hurting [L], as it’s awful [A], so my love for my mom must be enough to resolve her pain [D]” and then he plausibly became sad (Consequence).
1/2 Ton’s sadness couldn’t have possibly taken away his mom’s psychic pain. Such an ability is in the realm of wishes, and isn’t a matter of rationality. Therefore, in this hypothetical scenario, 1/2 Ton’s mom would’ve experienced psychic pain while he then caused his own psychic pain.
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Suppose that 1/2 Ton’s mom had psychic pain (Action) and he Effectively believed, “I wish I could take the pain away, but that’s not how life works,” then he’d have become disappointed (Consequence). Thus, rational beliefs cause distress and irrational beliefs cause disturbance.
Additionally, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Regarding his circle of control and USA, 1/2 Ton could’ve acknowledged that he controlled his reaction to his mom’s suffering. Concerning his circle of influence and UOA, 1/2 Ton could’ve admitted that each fallible human being will inevitably experience one’s own suffering in life.
Relating to his circle of concern and ULA, 1/2 Ton could’ve recognized that in an imperfect world, pain is inescapable and cannot be totally taken away. As for his area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which pain doesn’t exist, 1/2 Ton didn’t waste time on such nonsense.
Now, I present this psychoeducational lesson on REBT for your consideration. Even if I wish I could take the pain away from others, that’s not the world in which I live, and nor do you! Therefore, we can use the ABC model and UA to deal with the psychic pain we cause ourselves.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
References:
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