What I Was Telling Myself

[DISCLAIMER]

“I already know what you’re going to ask me,” is a phrase that I often hear when providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) to the clients with whom I work. “You’re going to ask me what I’m telling myself,” I’m then informed.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-disturbance.

Noteworthy, REBT draws a clear distinction between unnatural, unhealthy, or unhelpful self-disturbance and natural, healthy, or helpful self-distress. For instance, one source REBT source states of this difference (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event, whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Irrespective of distress or disturbance, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

To provide an example of healthy distress, I ask that you forgive my use of a personal anecdote. Recently, I watched an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set conducted by Mili Priolo. Unlike many other female DJs who I suspect aren’t actually mixing their sets, Priolo was actually DJing.

At around half an hour into her set, another individual enters the field of view with a thermos and a cup. Dancing around what is easily a $4-5,000 DJ setup, the person then proceeds to pour liquid from the thermos to the cup—all while in close proximity to the DJ decks (Action).

Photo credit, fair use

Watching this occur, I Believed, “No, no, no! You [preferably] shouldn’t have liquid anywhere near the gear! And if you’re going to, at least you [recommendatorily] shouldn’t be dancing around! Even Mili appears to recognize this gross violation of DJ etiquette!” (She side-eyed!)

From a B-C perspective, what I was telling myself then caused tolerable anxiousness in the form of natural self-distress (Consequence). However, there was no A-C connection at play whereby witnessing liquid being poured around expensive DJ decks resulted in my outcome.

Addressing attitudes cause self-upset, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of personal philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-distress or self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-distressed or un-disturbed condition.

I practice personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) for my belief-influenced outcomes. Therefore, when experiencing mild and natural anxiousness when watching Priolo’s set, I quickly resolved my self-distressed condition with another REBT tool.

Second, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering—whether distressed or disturbed. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

When taking personal ownership for my experience when watching Priolo’s DJ set, I quickly reasoned that I had no control or influence regarding the unidentified individual’s behavior (USA). As well, I concluded that the fallible human being was free to do as one pleased (UOA).

I also used a phrase that I recently learned—“that’s house it goes”—when admitting that the past is passed, and I cannot alter the unalterable nature of a time that is no longer present (ULA). What I was telling myself initially caused self-distress, though later resulted in acceptance.

This is a lesson that many of the clients with whom I’ve worked maintain is a well-understood concept, and one in which they believe. Not only can we self-distress or self-disturb with unfavorable beliefs, we can also tell ourselves favorable scripts which result in better outcomes.

All the same, understanding of and belief in REBT tools aren’t enough to result in favorable consequences. Arguably, daily practice of the ABC model and UA is necessary in order to attain and repeat success with REBT. Thus, I encourage you to practice, practice, practice!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

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