You Are a Changeable Person, Who Sometimes Acts Well and Sometimes Behaves Badly
On the collaborative album by lyricist Kota the Friend and music producer Statik Selektah, To See a Sunset (2023), is the song “Real Ones”. Noteworthy, it contains a sample of Bettye Swann’s track “Either You Love Me or You Leave Me” (1975) and has a relaxed quality to it.
In his first verse, Kota states, “People judge left and right, everyone is fallible [liable to be erroneous]. Fuck the world! Focus on the babies comin’ after you. Middle finger to your opinion of me. I’m livin’ for the fam; all you niggas just livin’ to please.”
I appreciate the favorable perspective expressed by the lyricist, as I use a similar view in my approach to personal and professional care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”). Now, I’ll share my outlook with you.
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
It’s worth noting that REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Concerning Kota’s circle of control and USA, as well as his circle of influence and UOA, the lyricist expressed that “everyone is fallible.” This is a truthful claim about reality. Ergo, Kota, you, and I are all liable to be erroneous. It’s human nature.
Similarly, regarding his circle of concern and ULA, I imagine Kota further realizes that life itself is imperfect. Also, relating to his area of no concern, I suspect the lyricist could envision a dimension in which humans are perfect. Yet, that’s not the world in which anyone lives.
Now, when providing psychoeducational lessons on UA, I stress the fact that people aren’t their behavior (the way in which someone conducts oneself or behaves—to manage the actions of oneself in a particular way). Regarding this distinction, Ellis stated (page 15):
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) holds that although a person does her behavior, she is not what she does. This was brilliantly pointed out in 1933 by Alfred Korzybski, in his book, Science and Sanity, and was also shown by Bertrand Russell, Wilfred [sic] Quine, and several other philosophers.
If you say to yourself, “I do well [satisfactorily with respect to conduct or action], therefore I am a good person,” or if you say, “I perform poorly, therefore I am a bad person,” you make inaccurate overgeneralizations.
If you were really a good person, you would only and always perform well; and, likewise, if you were really a bad person, you would always and only perform badly [in a bad manner].
But, of course, you are a changeable [able or apt to vary] person, who sometimes acts [the doing of a thing] well and sometimes behaves badly. What is more, you can change your inadequate and immoral behavior to adequate and moral behavior – and vice versa!
Also, being human, you are inevitably fallible, never absolutely perfect. So you have very little chance of always performing well and always winning the approval of others. If you did so, it would be a miracle!
You are a changeable person, who sometimes acts well and sometimes behaves badly, though you aren’t good, bad, right, wrong, and so forth. Also, you aren’t your behavior. You’re merely a fallible human being. This is a key component of UA, as I now invite you to accept it.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit, Designed by Magnific, fair use
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