Expectations: I've Been Sorting Through a Lot of Shit That's in My Head Now

[DISCLAIMER]

The American Psychological Association defines preference as “the act of choosing one alternative over others,” expectation as “a state of tense, emotional anticipation,” and anticipation as “looking forward to a future event or state, sometimes with an affective component (e.g., pleasure, anxiety).” Of these terms, I stated in Hopeful Anticipation vs. Disturbing Expectation:

Essentially, anticipation is an excited, hopeful, and open-minded looking forward to the future without irrationally believing that one needs to control the outcome. I posit that this form of [preferential] hope is irrational, because there’s no valid evidence suggesting that an anticipated outcome will occur.

Additionally, expectation often functions as an inflexible belief that specific events will happen, often leading to self-upset if or when reality differs from one’s hope-laden expectations. Thus, anticipation [of a preferred variety] tends toward joy, while expectation tends toward a personally required projection [e.g., things must go my way!]

Admittedly, I remain irrationally hopeful about many anticipated matters (e.g., I’m hopeful that my clients will attain an improved level of functioning and quality of life). Yet, I don’t unhelpfully expect that such outcomes will certainly happen. This is because I practice REBT [Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy].

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

When contemplating the subject matter of this blogpost, singer and lyricist Wale’s album Wow… That’s Crazy (2019) stands out to me. Specifically, the track “Expectations”, produced by Bizness Boi and Th3ory, and featuring singer and rapper 6LACK is of note.

6LACK opens the track by stating, “You expect me to know a lot of shit that I’m just out here tryna figure out. You expect me to know the answer to some shit that I’m just tryna get up out of,” and, “Of course, you got the answers, ‘cause you ain’t the one that’s in my position.”

These lyrics remind me of sessions with clients who’ve disturbed with irrational beliefs (e.g., rigidly expectant), as I’ve invited them to consider that distress may be a preferable outcome. Anticipating that you’re curious about this matter, I offer that one REBT source states (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

Take for instance the chorus of “Expectations”, as 6LACK states, “I’ve been sorting through a lot of shit that’s in my head now, a lot of shit that had me scared now, and don’t you leave me here for dead now.” Allow me to briefly demonstrate how fear of this sort is caused.

From a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C view, 6LACK hypothetically argues with his intimate partner (Action), which results in the person of his romantic interest using unproductive expectations of him (Consequence). This isn’t what causes 6LACK’s fear, as the B-C connection does that!

Theoretically, 6LACK’s partner uses rigid expectations (Action), he Believes, “This is futile [G] and intolerable [L], because it’s horrifying being held to unattainable expectations [A], as this argument shouldn’t even be happening at all [D],” and he then becomes scared (Consequence).

Given this B-C framing of the matter, it’s understandable how the rapper would state, “I’ve been sorting through a lot of shit that’s in my head now.” Sort that shit out, homie! It’s also worth mentioning that one source reports of this hip hop song:

“Expectations,” is the 4th track off of Wale’s sixth studio album Wow…That’s Crazy, that features singer/rapper 6lack. On this track, Wale raps about the consequences that expectations can bring and their effect on mental illness, which is one of the overall themes of this project.

Presuming you’ve read through this blogpost, not simply skimmed it, you likely comprehend that expectations (e.g., 6LACK’s A-C event) don’t cause consequences (i.e., B-C distress or disturbance) which impact one’s mental, emotional, or behavioral health. Your beliefs do that!

Even some of the seasoned clients with whom I’ve practiced REBT for years occasionally lose sight (i.e., intellectual and emotional insight) of this fact. “Wow… That’s Crazy”, indeed! Unhelpfully, many people self-disturb with rigid expectations of themselves, others, and life.

Of this, Wale states, “On God, I got some reason to wear my head down (Head down). Pray all my odds be even, ‘cause it get hard, and I follow what I feel, but that’s the issue (Issue)! My thoughts can be deceivin’, if they get a warm welcome.” Say that shit! It’s the B-C connection!

When inviting clients to consider distress as a preferable outcome, it can seem as though I’m judgmental. Yet, as Wale stated, “Who am I to judge? I got my own problems, so I am not the one! When things get dark, I be in my own mind. So even in the crowd, I’ll be more or so alone.”

As I recently stated to client X, who’s willfully chosen self-disturbance over self-distress, “You are not your thoughts or beliefs, or your actions or behaviors. You’re merely a fallible human being, and I’m not judging you! You’re making a bad decision, but you aren’t your decision.”

“I’ve been sorting through a lot of shit that’s in my head now,” as is client X. Nevertheless, placement of unproductive expectations on myself or client X isn’t going to result in negative though healthy distress. Rather, that B-C connection causes negative and unhealthy disturbance.

Now, I offer this psychoeducational lesson on REBT to you. When facing an undesirable event, placing rigid expectations on yourself, others, or life will likely exasperate the already unpleasant matter. Why make things worse? Sort that shit out, homie!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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