Letting Your Happiness Be Determined by Things You Can't Control

[DISCLAIMER]

The above photo was taken during a Marine Corps noncommissioned officer (NCO) Mess Night, which is a formal, traditional dinner and ceremony that fosters camaraderie and celebrates Marine customs. In the picture, I’m featured with two of my friends (persons XX and XY).

Individuals who remain familiar with my blog are likely aware of the fact that I experienced significant administrative and legal issues when in the Corps, as I ultimately received other than honorable (OTH) service characterization after having been kicked out of the Corps.

The NCO Mess Night occurred shortly before my descent within military ranks, as all three individuals featured in the photo above bore the rank of sergeant. About the event, it was one of my last fond memories of being stationed aboard Marine Corps Air Station Miramar.

Noteworthy, person XY and I were roommates while stationed aboard Camp Kinser. In fact, when leaving Marine Corps Base Quantico, person XY is the main individual who convinced me to select Miramar as my next duty station. At the time, I considered him an invaluable friend.

Once at Miramar, person XY introduced me to his girlfriend, person XX. To my surprise, she and I became better confidants than person XY and I. For a relatively brief moment in time, I was happy (an emotion of joy, gladness, satisfaction, and well-being).

However, I eventually involved myself in an intimate partner relationship unrelated to persons XX and XY, as my friends quickly distanced themselves from me. All referenced individuals were subject to the authority of the Headquarters and Headquarters Squadron on Miramar.

In due course, I was demoted to the rank of private first class. Although person XY completely renounced any affiliation with me by that point, person XX and I kept infrequent contact for the years to come. That is, until she became a fed. At that point, I distanced myself from her.

As today is the United States Marine Corps Birthday and tomorrow is Veterans Day, persons XX and XY crossed my mind. Specifically, I recall how I once let my happiness be determined by things I couldn’t control. When contemplating this matter, I’m reminded of a book.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Before I go any further, allow me to highlight a psychoeducational lesson regarding REBT. Understanding this framework, concerning a peripherally-related matter, will serve a purpose for the remainder of this blogpost. According to The Crabby Copyeditor:

Have you ever noticed that people who cannot pronounce “athlete” typically cannot pronounce “veteran”? This seems especially true of anyone in the media, more so when the speaker is a sports broadcaster.

Yes, yes, I am an oversensitive soul when it comes to words, but you have to admit, when you listen to someone who is supposed to be a professional mispronounce words that are basic to h/her field, you hear “Idiot!” echo in your head. I know you do. I can’t be the only one with that particular soundtrack blaring between the ears.

The words I want to hear are “ath’-lete” and “vet’-er’-an.” Instead, I hear, “ath’-uh-lete” and “veh’-trun.”

Oh, god. Kill me now. I just cannot take it anymore. […]

It’s the people who I know are educated, and again, especially my colleagues in the media, who not only mispronounce “veteran” as “veh-trun,” but they do so for effect, that earn my ire. Their pronunciation is an affectation used to make the speaker sound as though s/he is “one of the people.”

As written, that might not seem to be such a bad thing, but when you realize that being “one of the people” means the reporter is trying to get down to the people’s level and be “one of them,” you understand that the mispronunciation is an actual insult to the audience. Think about that the next time you hear your favorite broadcaster say “veh-trun.”

Admittedly, I laughed a little too hard at this expressed pet peeve (a frequent subject of complaint). After all, I once shared the sentiment of The Crabby Copyeditor’s author. “How could anyone possibly think it’s pronounced veh’-trun?” I’d self-disturbingly say to myself.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as self-disturbance.

Noteworthy, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance (LFT), awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive self-narratives, think of the acronym GLAD.

For instance, the author of The Crabby Copyeditor hears people mispronouncing “veteran”—which is clearly a three-syllable word (Action) and Believes, “Kill me now. I just cannot take it anymore.” This is an LFT script, if ever there were one! Still, the author infers more meaning.

For the sake of demonstration, imagine that she Believes, “Worthless people [G] who mispronounce ‘veteran;’ just kill me now, because I cannot take it anymore [L]. It’s terrible [A] hearing ‘veteran’ being mispronounced, as people should [D] know better!”

When using this GLAD narrative, the author of The Crabby Copyeditor lives up to the name of her blog by becoming crabby (easily irritated: peevish and irritable; Consequence). I laughed a little too hard at her expressed pet peeve, because I also once self-disturbed in such a manner.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

The process of challenging unhelpful scripts can take longer than I care to demonstrate herein. Thus, in the interest of time imagine that instead of self-disturbing the author of The Crabby Copyeditor used Disputation and came up with the following Effective new belief:

People who say “veh’-trun” have worth, even if I disagree with their mispronunciations. Also, it’s a bit extreme to beg for death, because I supposedly can’t take it when people mispronounce words. Instead of using an LFT script, I can practice high frustration tolerance (HFT).

As well, it would’ve been “terrible” to have lied in a pool of blood with my entrails hanging out of my body on D-Day. Though, hearing mispronounced words is nothing even remotely similar to that experience! Thus, I’m making more of this matter than there actually is.

Finally, it’s not as if people “should” know better than to mispronounce “veteran.” I know how to properly pronounce it, because I’m a copyeditor. Additionally, I hear it mispronounced so often that I have resilience (an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change).

In similar fashion, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Rather than illustrating how the author of The Crabby Copyeditor could’ve used UA, allow me to demonstrate how I un-disturbed myself by using this helpful technique. In the interest of HFT and resilience, I told myself something along the lines of the following:

I’m a fallible human being who not only mispronounces words; I misspell them while also using poor grammar within my blog, as the only matter over which I have any legitimate control is of how I respond to matters such as mispronunciations (USA).

Just as I’m a flawed person, other imperfect people will continue mispronouncing the word “veteran” in a similar manner as they say “empathetic” rather than “empathic” (UOA). Also, life is impermanent and uncertain, and too short than to concern myself with such matters (ULA).

Understanding the REBT tools of the ABC model and UA is important regarding how I once self-disturbed with unfavorable beliefs about my experience in the Marine Corps. Before expanding on this matter, I invite you to consider that Marcus Aurelius stated (page 154):

Those obsessed with glory attach their well-being to the regard of others, those who love pleasure tie it to feelings, but the one with true understanding seeks it only in their own actions…. Think on the character of the people one wishes to please, the possessions one means to gain, and the tactics one employs to such ends. How quickly time erases such things, and how many will yet be wiped away.

The photo above depicts a moment in time when the favorable opinions of people like persons XX and XY meant the world to me. Yet, when they shared their unfavorable opinions about the woman with whom I became romantically involved, I self-disturbed with unhelpful beliefs.

I thusly attached my well-being to only those perspectives I liked, rejecting those views I disliked. The end result was calamitous for my military career. Then, I self-disturbed about the mess I made of my life. Concerning such matters, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 154):

If your happiness is dependent on accomplishing certain goals, what happens if fate intervenes? What if you’re snubbed? If outside events interrupt? What if you do achieve everything but find that nobody is impressed? That’s the problem with letting your happiness be determined by things you can’t control. It’s an insane risk.

I had control over my behavior when in the Marines (USA). However, I had no control and little (if any) influence over the behavior of others—such as persons XX and XY, members of my military command, etc. (UOA). Moreover, I have zero control or influence over the past (ULA).

Also, I made many mistakes which cannot be undone. Now, there are many vet’-er’-ans who don’t recognize my 11 years of military service as worthy of their consideration. That, too, I accept. About this healthy perspective, authors of The Daily Stoic conclude (page 154):

Our ambition should not be to win, then, but to play with our full effort. Our intention is not to be thanked or recognized, but to help and to do what we think is right. Our focus is not on what happens to us but on how we respond. In this, we will always find contentment and resilience.

Unlike use of an absolutistic should statement regarding demandingness, authors of The Daily Stoic use a preferential should script when advocating morally and ethically “right” behavior. Stoically, they add that “our focus is not on what happens to us but on how we respond.”

On this—the Marine Corps Birthday, a day ahead of Veterans Day—I acknowledge that being kicked out of the military never caused me to self-disturb. Rather, how I responded to the undesirable experience of receiving an OTH discharge is how I upset myself.

Persons XX and XY accomplished their goals of retiring from the Corps. Still, because of my actions, I didn’t share in that experience. For years, I was unhappy from unproductive beliefs about this matter.

Currently, I’m wise enough not to seek happiness, as I settle for contentment with what simply is. As such, my contentment isn’t determined by things I can’t control. Instead, I’ve achieved contentedness by controlling how I respond to unpleasant events. Now, you can do the same.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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