Be Careful Who You Keep in Your Circle, Because It Be Your Own People

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

On the album Kontra-Band (2018), by rappers Stevie Stone and JL, is the song “Cautious”, which features rapper Flawless Real Talk and was produced by Mike Summers. As it pertains to this blogpost, the hook contains the lyrics, “Be careful who you keep in your circle.”

In common parlance, the term “careful” regards being marked by wary caution or prudence. Also, in urban vernacular, one’s “circle” relates to family members, friends, or other individuals which comprise one’s own social group. It’s often referred to as one’s “inner circle.”

Similarly, on the album A Gangsta’s Pain (2021), by rapper Moneybagg Yo, is the track “If Pain Was a Person”, which was produced by Yung Dee. On the third verse, the rapper states, “It be your own people (Blood). They gon’ try to take advantage of you, if you let ‘em.”

In urban vernacular, the phrase “it be your own people” (i.e., it is your own people) relates to one’s “circle.” Therefore, in “If Pain Was a Person”, Moneybagg Yo advises individuals to be careful with their “own people,” because they “gon’ try to take advantage of you, if you let ‘em.”

In both “Cautious” and “If Pain Was a Person”, I subjectively view the cited lyrics as flexible forms of demandingness. In essence, the former song advises that others recommendatorily should “be careful who you keep in your circle.”

The latter track infers that others recommendatorily should be aware that “it be your own people” who may “try to take advantage of you, if you let ‘em.” Suppose that you ignore these flexible recommendations. None of the rappers who cautioned you would be affected.

They’d carry on about their lives, as those within your inner circle—your own people—took advantage of you. To the rappers who flexibly recommended that you take caution, they’d view your unfavorable outcome as an iss-YOU, not an iss-ME—a YOU problem, not their problem.

And rightly so! After all, you’re the one who disregarded a flexible recommendation. Alternatively, imagine that you took heed of the cited lyrics contained herein. You may hopefully anticipate, not disturbingly expect, that your own people wouldn’t behave poorly.

Although there are numerous possible outcomes, I invite you to contemplate the two I’ve outlined herein. Either (1) you disregard the flexible recommendations in both “Cautious” and “If Pain Was a Person”, or (2) you consider the flexible recommendations in these songs.

The first option allows you to delude your worldview by irrationally convincing yourself that no one in your circle—your own people—would ever behave poorly. The second choice allows you to rationally deliberate the possibility that members of your inner circle may behave poorly.

Has it been your experience in life that the actions of fallible human beings comport with option one? Or is it instead possible that, as is the case with choice two, your child, parent, husband, girlfriend, friend, or others may behave as flawed people so often do—poorly?

Perhaps you recommendatorily should be careful who you keep in your circle, because it be your own people who’ll behave imperfectly. Or you can disregard this flexible recommendation altogether. Self-delusion was always an option!

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Magnific, fair use

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