The Giving Tree, Egocentrism, and Egotism: What Am I Getting in Return Here?

[DISCLAIMER]

*The Giving Tree (1964) spoilers contained herein.

Photo credit, artist: Shel Silverstein, fair use

In my youth, I enjoyed stories with moral and ethical lessons. Regarding my appreciation for these tales and the medium by which I received exposure to the stories, I stated in Where the Wild Things Are:

When attending the Amarillo Community Center in my youth, one of my favorite fieldtrips on which children were taken was to the Amarillo Public Library (i.e., the downtown location). There, adult volunteers read stories to children on specified days of the week. Those were among some of the brightest moments during otherwise darkened instances of my childhood.

One of the authors whose stories I most looked forward to hearing was Shel Silverstein. Not only did I appreciate his creative tales and poetic style, I thoroughly enjoyed his illustrations. Admittedly, people’s opinions on art are subjective, as individuals interpret matters differently.

For example, consider Silverstein’s book The Giving Tree (1964). About this work of art, one source states:

“Once there was a tree...and she loved a little boy.” So begins a story of unforgettable perception, beautifully written and illustrated by the gifted and versatile Shel Silverstein. This moving parable for all ages offers a touching interpretation of the gift of giving and a serene acceptance of another’s capacity to love in return.

Every day the boy would come to the tree to eat her apples, swing from her branches, or slide down her trunk...and the tree was happy. But as the boy grew older he began to want more from the tree, and the tree gave and gave and gave. This is a tender story, touched with sadness, aglow with consolation.

As a child, I thought that The Giving Tree represented a depiction of the mom I never had. Granted, I had a biological mother with whom I lived. However, the act of selfless giving while asking for very little in return apparently wasn’t something to which my mom was accustomed.

Such is the perspective of egocentrism (the tendency to emphasize one’s own needs, concerns, and outcomes rather than those of others). This isn’t the same as egotism (excessive conceit or a preoccupation with one’s own importance). For added context, one source states:

Egocentrism is found across the life span: in infancy, early childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. Although egocentric behaviors are less prominent in adulthood, the existence of some forms of egocentrism in adulthood indicates that overcoming egocentrism may be a lifelong development that never achieves completion.

Adults appear to be less egocentric than children because they are faster to correct from an initially egocentric perspective than children, not because they are less likely to initially adopt an egocentric perspective.

From my egocentric view in childhood, given the proverbial lens of the ABC model regarding Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), my mom absolutely should’ve sacrificed her own wants and needs for my desires and requirements. This constituted an irrational belief.

While I may’ve wished for my mom to have provided me with material and emotional fulfilment, like the tree did with boy in The Giving Tree, the rigidity of my wishcasting belief caused a self-disturbed result when my prescription was unfulfilled (e.g., anger and aggression).

Had I used a rational belief by merely describing how my mom preferably should’ve forewent her own wants and needs for my desires and requirements, then the flexibility of my preference would’ve caused a self-distressed result if left unfulfilled (e.g., annoyance or disappointment).

Although both disturbed and distressed outcomes represent negative emotions, I argue that self-disturbance is unhealthy and self-distress is healthy. Had I not functioned from an egocentric worldview, I could’ve spared myself a disturbed reaction. Now, consider that one source states:

Egocentrism has to do with failing to understand that others may be experiencing an object or event differently than you are. Egotism, on the other hand, has to do with failing to appreciate that the needs and interests of others are as important as one’s own.

Egocentrism is a cognitive domain largely independent of one’s personality, while egotism is a personality trait that is largely independent of one’s level of cognitive functioning. What this means is that one can be a poor perspective-taker (i.e., demonstrate egocentrism) and still be a nice person who values others.

Conversely, one can be an egotistical person who mainly cares about oneself but still is good at taking perspectives; in fact, it can make a sociopath more effective at mistreating others, as is the case with con artists.

I largely misunderstood my mother’s perspective in childhood, mainly due to my egocentric outlook. Yet, I didn’t egotistically disregard the needs or interests of my mom. Still, when self-disturbing into an angry and aggressive disposition, I did so due to my beliefs, not her actions.

In short, I unhelpfully demanded that my mother absolutely should’ve loved me like the tree in The Giving Tree, though I wasn’t solely focused on myself. I merely had a poor perspective regarding why my mom apparently didn’t love and care for me as I believed that she should’ve.

For clarity, one source states, “Egotism is defined as the drive to maintain and enhance favorable views of oneself and generally features an inflated opinion of one’s personal features and importance distinguished by a person’s amplified vision of one’s self and self-importance.”

While in childhood, I maintained that I was important enough to be loved and cared for, though I didn’t believe that I was the most important person living within my home. This is the meaningful distinction between egocentrism and egotism.

Now, in my adolescence, I was taken in to live with a family who knew me when I resided in a children’s home. The matriarch of that family, an elementary school educator, would sometimes read to me in a manner that I’d enjoyed when attending the Amarillo Public Library as a kid.

Describing her perspective on The Giving Tree, she stated something to the effect of, “I think it’s about Jesus and His selfless sacrifice for us. We keep taking and demanding more, but He just gave so much—to include His own life for our sins.” This was an understandable Christian view.

Moreover, I thought it was a subjectively beautiful interpretation of the story. Still, one source states of Silverstein, “His father, Nathan, was a Jewish immigrant from Russia, and his mother, Helen, was born in Chicago to a Hungarian-Jewish family.”

Mainstream Jewish people don’t believe in Jesus as the Messiah. Therefore, however subjectively meaningful her perspective may’ve been, the matriarch of the family with whom I lived for a portion of my adolescent years may’ve misinterpreted The Giving Tree.

All these years later, I think of that story. Now, as REBT is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote ancient Stoic philosopher Seneca, who stated, “I say, let no one rob me of a single day who isn’t going to make a full return on the loss” (page 372). Regarding this point of view, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 372):

People spend a lot more money when they use credit cards than when they have to pull out actual cash. If you ever wondered why credit card companies and banks push cards so aggressively, this is why. The more credit cards you have, the more you’ll spend.

Do we treat the days of our lives like we treat our money? Because we don’t exactly know how many days we’ll be alive, and because we try our hardest not to think about the fact that someday we’ll die, we’re pretty liberal with how freely we spend our time. We let people and obligations impose on that time, only rarely asking: What am I getting in return here?

Seneca’s maxim is the equivalent of cutting up your credit cards and switching to cash. He says to put real thought into every transaction: Am I getting my money’s worth here? Is this a fair trade?

Much like the tree in The Giving Tree, many people egocentrically or egotistically take, take, take from other individuals. For years, perhaps due to a desire to overcorrect for the perceived shortcomings of my mom, I behaved as though I was the tree in the story.

I gave, gave, gave without asking, “What am I getting in return here?” To my surprise, once I stopped giving while instead valuing the little time I had left in life, people took notice. Not only this, they then behaved as I did when in childhood—demanding of me, as I did with my mom.

Because I don’t know the inner-workings of the minds regarding the individuals about whom I’m addressing, it’s anyone’s guess as to whether or not the people to whom I eventually stopped giving were motivated by egocentrism, egotism, or perhaps some other effect.

What I know is that toward the end of The Giving Tree, once the boy who became a man used up the tree’s life—much as one does when carelessly spending when in possession of a credit card, per authors of The Daily Stoic—the tree wasn’t happy after having given so much of herself.

In the condition of a mere stump, the boy-turned-old-man ultimately came back one last time. The tree straightened up her stumpy self and allowed herself to be used for the elderly man’s ass to sit upon. In the end, she was happy with having his old ass sitting upon her. Not me, no way!

I’m no longer a child, nor am I an adolescent. I’m a grown-ass man. Wasting the fleeting resource that is my life, all so that others may eventually rest their fart-boxes on me, isn’t within the ending pages of my dwindling moments in existence; yet, perhaps you see things differently.

Maybe you wish to proverbially light yourself on fire in order to keep others warm, or allow others to cut you down until there’s little more than a stump in the ground of your former self—as was the case in The Giving Tree. If that’s what you want for your life, then good on you!

However, if you don’t desire to waste what relatively little time you have left in life by maxing out your proverbial credit card, or allowing others to recklessly spend your finite resources, then I invite you to ask: What am I getting in return here?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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