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Healthy Remorse vs. Unhealthy Guilt

  • Writer: Deric Hollings
    Deric Hollings
  • Mar 27
  • 11 min read

 

Earlier, when listening to rapper Key Glock’s sixth mixtape Son of a Gun (2020), I heard the song “Cops N Robbers” in which he states, “Throwin’ bullets, not knuckles. Young Glock Brady, I’ma score, yeah (Fire). Cutthroat to the core. I’ll kill a nigga with no remorse!”

 

That’s when I thought about a psychoeducational lesson on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines remorse as “a strong sense of guilt and regret for a past action.” As well, the APA thusly defines guilt:

 

[A] self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong. It is distinct from shame, in which there is the additional strong fear of one’s deeds being publicly exposed to judgment or ridicule.

 

When working with clients, I invite people to consider that guilt relates to an unpleasant secondary emotion from the inside-out (e.g., I believe that I did something wrong) while shame relates to a similar experience from the outside-in (e.g., you believe that I did something wrong).

 

Mentioned in the definition of remorse is “regret,” as the APA defines this term as “an emotional response to remembrance of a past state, condition, or experience that one wishes had been different.” Remorse, guilt, shame, and regret are all belief-driven emotions. Allow me to explain.

 

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

 

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

 

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

 

Let’s examine an A-C outlook. In “Cops N Robbers”, Key Glock brags “I’ll kill a nigga with no remorse.” Imagine that he shoots someone using a Glock handgun (Action), as the outcome of this unpleasant Consequence is homicide (a killing of one human being by another).

 

Alternatively, from a B-C view, one who commits homicide (Action) may Believe, “I’m worthless for having killed someone [G], and I can’t go on living [L], as it’s horrible that I can’t undo this act [A], because I shouldn’t have done it [D],” and then feels guilt (Consequence).

 

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

 

Similarly, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

 

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

 

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

 

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

 

For instance, a person who commits homicide may recognize that one is a fallible human being with control over the reaction to having killed another person (USA). Also, the individual may admit that other people may not be able to be influenced for shame regarding the event (UOA).

 

Additionally, the killer may conclude that in this impermanent and uncertain life of imperfection, the past is inalterable, as bullets from a Glock can’t be retroactively recalled (ULA). One who uses this UA script may experience – as expressed by Key Glock – “no remorse” or remorse.

 

Take into account that the homicide example used herein isn’t necessarily one relating to murder (the crime of unlawfully and unjustifiably killing a person). If someone unlawfully enters Key Glock’s home and he commits justifiable homicide, then he may or may not feel remorse.

 

Still, it’s quite possible that Key Glock’s reference to being “cutthroat to the core” infers unlawful or unjustifiable homicidal behavior. Regarding belief-driven guilt that may result from someone in this instance, one REBT source states (pages 65-66):

 

Switching from an unhealthy to a healthy negative emotion may ‘seem unattainable to clients because they cannot conceptualize the new emotion and may not agree that it is adaptive and more functional’ (Walen et al. 1992: 53).

 

For example, a man who beat up his wife said the only way to prevent him from doing it again was to feel guilty – ‘I need to [D] keep on reminding myself what a bad person I really am [G]’. Initial attempts to encourage him to feel remorse for his actions but avoid self-condemnation proved fruitless as he believed this would ‘let me off the hook’ [inferred D].

 

However, seeing himself as a bad person led to heavy drinking and further assaults upon his wife. After admitting the self-defeating nature of his guilt, he agreed to the new emotional goal of remorse.

 

This would enable him to examine the reasons for his violent behaviour (which he was much less likely to do while feeling guilty) and learn non-violent methods of dealing with his frustrations. Also he was encouraged to examine frequently the effects of his violence upon his wife so that he would not minimise her suffering through self-absorption in analysing ‘my dysfunctional behaviour’.

 

Given this information, the B-C outcome of guilt is viewed as disturbance while the belief-driven consequence of remorse is conceptualized as distress. For context, REBT source states (page 71):

 

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

 

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

 

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

 

In both my personal and professional life, I’ve known a number of people who’ve committed homicide. Some of these individuals have experienced belief-driven emotions relating to remorse, guilt, shame, and regret, and some haven’t.

 

Irrespective of the result from what you believe (i.e., guilt) or society maintains (i.e., shame) about violence, homicide, and the like, I invite you to consider the crucial distinction between healthy distress (i.e., remorse, regret, etc.) and unhealthy disturbance (i.e., guilt, shame, etc.).

 

Through understanding this difference you can choose which outcome you’ll endure. Perhaps you’ll conclude, as Key Glock did, “I’ll kill a nigga with no remorse!” This could apply to either legal or illegal homicide, or lesser undesirable events.

 

Personally, there’s nothing inherently wrong with remaining indifferent to a lawful and justifiable instance during which proper self-defense results in homicide. You may disagree. Still, could you opt for healthy distress rather than unhealthy disturbance after such an event?

 

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

 

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

 

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

 

 

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW


Photo credit (edited), Designed by Freepik, fair use

 

References:

 

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Guilt. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/guilt

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Regret. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/regret

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Remorse. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/remorse

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Self-conscious emotion. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/self-conscious-emotion

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Shame. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/shame

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