If I Did It for You, It Came From the Heart

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Significantly, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

Noteworthy, with my approach to care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”), I invite people to consider mental scripts which are rational (in accordance with both logic and reason) – especially regarding events which correlate with strong feelings.

Logic is the interrelation or sequence of facts when seen as inevitable or predictable, and reason is a statement offered in explanation or justification. As such, I often use syllogisms (deductive schemes of formal argument consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion).

Importantly, a syllogistic statement, proposition, or belief may be logical while simultaneously unreasonable. In this case, even though the logic consequentially follows (the conclusion is a necessary and inevitable result of previous facts or premises), it’s considered irrational.

While still functioning as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Thus, rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

As well, a rigid form of irrational belief results in self-disturbance (e.g., rage) while a flexible form of rational belief results in self-distress (e.g., righteous indignation). Ergo, what one thinks, feels (i.e., emotions and sensations), and behaves reveals what type of beliefs are being used.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Remarkably, natural forms of distress are tolerable (e.g., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. In particular, I invite you to consider use of a modus ponens syllogism.

Form –

If p, then q; p; therefore, q.

Example –

Major premise: If I demand respect, then people must respect me.

Minor premise: I demand respect.

Conclusion: Therefore, people must respect me.

Now, I invite you to consider another example. On his sixteenth mixtape Purple Reign (2016), executive produced by DJ Esco and Metro Boomin, rapper Future featured the song “Inside the Mattress” that was produced by Nard & B. This track used to batter my car stereo system!

In any case, Future states on the song, “If I did it for you, it came from the heart.” This vague statement can be interpreted in a number of ways. As it pertained to my life upon the release date, I envisioned the song relating to actions taken out of love, loyalty, and respect.

Specifically, in 2015, my girlfriend decided to part ways from me. Favorably, it was an amicable dissolution to the intimate partner relationship. Also, as I’d practiced REBT for several years by that point, I didn’t self-disturb much about the matter. Still, there was self-distress, as follows:

Form –

If p, then q; p; therefore, q.

Example –

If I did it for you (i.e., remained in the relationship for two years, protected and provided for you, and forsook all others), then it came from the heart (i.e., my actions were influenced by love, loyalty, and respect). I did it for you. Therefore, it came from the heart.

When the romantic relationship fell apart after I utilized the aforementioned modus ponens syllogistic Belief, the Consequence of that flexible attitude was sorrow. Arguably, sadness is a natural reaction to the loss of a two-year intimate partner relationship that was healthy in nature.

Inferred in my personal perspective was that when love, loyalty, and respect were devoted to my intimate partner, we preferably should’ve remained together. Yet, there was little more than irrational hope to support that worldview. Thus, when we broke up, I was understandably sad.

Overall, I was grateful for the opportunity to have experienced the romantic relationship with its positive, neutral, and negative aspects. Moreover, I learned an invaluable lesson to no longer engage in the folly of intimate partner relationships. Therefore, sorrow turned into gratitude.

I invite you to consider flexible beliefs which may be used for undesirable events like breakups. When doing things for others from your heart, there are few guarantees in an impermanent and uncertain life. Why not be grateful for what is, rather than sad about what could’ve been?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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