Shaping: Force of Habit – No Rewarding Bad Behavior!

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Herein, I’ll discuss my evolved perspective on life when viewed through the proverbial corrective lenses of REBT and Stoicism. In this way, I’m addressing how a subjective view has altered my understanding through shaping (to determine or direct the course or character of).

To begin with, it may be useful to know that in my childhood I enjoyed the musical romantic comedy film Grease (1978), starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. In my home, Travolta was a household icon! Also, in childhood, I was physically attracted to Newton-John.

Therefore, when reruns of Grease aired on an annual basis, I rarely missed an opportunity to watch the movie while singing along to its accompanying soundtrack. One of my favorite songs from the flick was “You’re the One That I Want”, about which one source states of the synopsis:

Danny Zuko (Travolta), leader of the T-Birds, has recently lettered in cross-country running in an effort to win back his estranged girlfriend Sandy Olsson (Newton-John); unbeknownst to him, Sandy, who has been conflicted about her upright and proper etiquette in a school full of brash greasers, has herself transformed into a greaser queen to win back Danny. In the song, Danny expresses pleasant shock and arousal at Sandy’s transformation, with Sandy responding that Danny must “shape up” to prove himself capable of treating her the right way.

For context, Travolta and Newton-John collaboratively sang, “You better shape up, ‘cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you (And my heart is set on you). You better shape up, you better understand. To my heart, I must be true. Nothing left, nothing left for me to do.”

With my retrospective view which is shaped by the ABC model of REBT, I recognize the phrases “must ‘shape up,” “better shape up,” “better understand,” and “I must be true” as potentially flexible forms of demandingness that pertain to recommendatory beliefs.

For instance, Sandy told Danny that he “better shape up” his behavior, indicating that he recommendatorily should do as she suggested. Specifically, the estranged girlfriend who behaved in an “upright and proper” manner requested that Danny change his ways.

Of this malleable demand, it’s worth noting that the American Psychological Association (APA) defines shaping as “the production of new forms of operant behavior by reinforcement of successive approximations to the behavior.” Of this, I said in Reinforcement and Punishment:

Positive reinforcement – Add something in order to increase the likelihood of a preferred behavior. Example: An employee receives a raise for having exceeded quarterly expectations.

Negative reinforcement – Remove something in order to increase the likelihood of a preferred behavior. Example: Management meetings are reduced to only once per week so that employees can spend more time focusing on job tasks.

Positive punishment – Add something in order to decrease the likelihood of an undesired behavior. Example: An employee receives a written admonishment for having violated a company guideline.

Negative punishment – Remove something in order to decrease the likelihood of an undesired behavior. Example: An employee is placed on suspension for one week after having violated a company guideline.

In Grease, Sandy engaged in behavior-shaping activity by clearly outlining the preferred action while also designating the undesirable behavior. Nevertheless, one source accurately states that “shaping sometimes fails.” What then?

For the sake of discussion, suppose that Sandy’s attempts to shape Danny’s behavior were unsuccessful. She may then use inflexible forms of demandingness that pertain to conditional beliefs. These scripts are often presented in if-then, or either-or demanded prescriptions.

As an example, imagine that Sandy stated to Danny, “Either you better shape up, ‘cause I need a man, or you and I will never again be together!” With this rigid demand, Danny may’ve shaped his behavior, though doing so would’ve served as a matter of shame rather than preferred choice.

Presuming that you comprehend the information I’ve outlined thus far, then I’ll now share a personal anecdote related to my own experience with flexible shaping. In 2015, after my girlfriend decided to terminate our intimate partner relationship, I used a recommendatory belief.

“I [recommendatorily] better shape up,” I told myself. Noteworthy, when first meeting my girlfriend while attending graduate school for social work, I’d allowed myself to gain more weight than ever. I weighed 283 pounds! When with her, I lost a significant amount of weight.

After she left me, I continued to shape my body. This necessitated behavior shaping. Thus, I took selfies to track my progress, and as a means of monitoring beard growth—about which my late stepmom wasn’t pleased. Still, I invite you to take notice of my fingers in the photo below.

During our romantic relationship, my girlfriend often ridiculed my nail-biting behavior. It was undesirable conduct that I had throughout my life, often engaging in the activity without self-awareness of what I was doing. Thus, it was a habit, as the APA thusly defines this term:

[A] well-learned behavior or automatic sequence of behaviors that is relatively situation specific and over time has become motorically reflexive and independent of motivational or cognitive influence—that is, it is performed with little or no conscious intent. For example, the act of hair twirling may eventually occur without the individual’s conscious awareness.

Whereas I consciously shaped my body through flexibly-shaped beliefs, I continued to unconsciously bite my fingernails. Yet, in the photo above, I had enough conscious awareness regarding the consequences of my actions to the point whereby I tried to hide my fingernails.

Therefore, I held my cellphone on its side rather than wrapping my hands around it for a proper grip. Unhelpfully, some people may describe my fingernail-biting behavior as a force of habit (behavior made involuntary or automatic by repeated practice). Yet, I disagree.

Regarding this expression, “force” relates to nonphysical power that compels (to cause to do or occur by overwhelming pressure) or constrains (to force by imposed stricture, restriction, or limitation). In actuality, there wasn’t an unidentifiable force compelling my behavior.

A habit is fairly easy to identify, as it’s “a well-learned behavior or automatic sequence of behaviors.” I had decade of habitual fingernail-biting action to which I could point and flexibly say to myself, “I [recommendatorily] better shape up, because this is a nasty habit!”

Assuming that you understand the information I’ve outlined to this point, then I now turn to The Daily Stoic. The authors quote ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus who stated (page 318):

Since habit is such a powerful influence, and we’re used to pursuing our impulses to gain and avoid outside our own choice, we should set a contrary habit against that, and where appearances are really slippery, use the counterforce of our training.

Here, Epictetus used a recommendatory should belief. Essentially, he recommended that when an undesirable habit presents itself – not as though it’s some sort of unidentified “force of habit” tormenting a person – an individual could instead adopt a desirable habit to shape the act.

In the above photo, I developed an old, though desirable, habit of body-shaping activity. Thus, I adjusted my caloric intake, engaged in both cardiovascular and strength training, and used selfies to track my progress. Eventually, the undesirable habit of overeating was effectively challenged.

While achieving success with my interests and goals, I also reminded myself of shame, which the APA defines as a “highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances.”

In particular, my ex-girlfriend used to humorously shame my undesirable actions by saying, “No rewarding bad behavior!” Ergo, each time I realized that I was biting my fingernails, I recalled her flexible shame-inducing phrase (i.e., you recommendatorily shouldn’t reward bad behavior).

Of my evolved perspective on life when viewed through the proverbial corrective lenses of REBT and Stoicism, as discussed thus far, I recently discussed with one client a place for shame in regard to a behavior-shaping mechanism. Admittedly, it’s a somewhat controversial view.

Because I wanted to target undesirable and habitual behavior, I used an undesirable mental narrative learned from my ex-girlfriend. It worked! Ultimately, I was able to shape my behavior. This is because it was never a “force of habit.” It was merely an undesirable pattern of action.

Now, I invite you to consider that there likely isn’t some mysterious force compelling you to misbehave (to conduct oneself badly, improperly, or undesirably). Taking personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) of your own circumstances is how to use shaping.

Specifically, you could use the helpful tool given to me by my ex-girlfriend. “No rewarding bad behavior!” Admittedly, this is a flexible shaming script. Still, if “you [recommendatorily] better shape up,” then why not use a flexible shaping tool that may work – even if it’s tied to shame?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Habit. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/habit

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Operant behavior. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/operant-behavior

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Reinforcement. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/reinforcement

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Self-conscious emotion. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/self-conscious-emotion

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Shame. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/shame

APA Dictionary of Psychology. (2018, April 19). Shaping. American Psychological Association. Retrieved from https://dictionary.apa.org/shaping

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

Hollings, D. (2023, March 28). A place for shame. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/a-place-for-shame

Hollings, D. (2026, February 8). Adaptive and maladaptive emotions and behavior. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/adaptive-and-maladaptive-emotions-and-behavior

Hollings, D. (2025, October 19). Adhering to invisible scripts. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/adhering-to-invisible-scripts

Hollings, D. (2024, May 23). Applying pressure. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/applying-pressure

Hollings, D. (2025, September 18). Are you working against your interests and goals? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/are-you-working-against-your-interests-and-goals

Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions

Hollings, D. (2026, March 6). Better let it go. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/better-let-it-go

Hollings, D. (2026, March 3). Blowback and knock-on effects: Subjectivity of beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/blowback-and-knock-on-effects-subjectivity-of-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, October 29). Cognitive continuum. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/cognitive-continuum

Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Conditional should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/conditional-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2026, February 12). Consciousness: Reach your soul. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/consciousness-reach-your-soul

Hollings, D. (2024, March 19). Consequences. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/consequences

Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation

Hollings, D. (2026, January 18). Cultivating character… right now. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/cultivating-character-right-now

Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness

Hollings, D. (2022, October 5). Description vs. prescription. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/description-vs-prescription

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2024, February 13). Focus on the target problem. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/focus-on-the-target-problem

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (2024, August 27). Guilt and shame are choices. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/guilt-and-shame-are-choices

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2025, April 29). Imagine my shock. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/imagine-my-shock

Hollings, D. (2026, April 26). Impulse. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/impulse

Hollings, D. (2024, February 14). Insufferable vs. undesirable. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/insufferable-vs-undesirable

Hollings, D. (2025, October 13). Knowledge, wisdom, understanding. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/knowledge-wisdom-understanding

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2025, August 8). Life is too short for habitual line-steppers. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-is-too-short-for-habitual-line-steppers

Hollings, D. (2023, April 24). On truth. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-truth

Hollings, D. (2025, April 9). Perception, action, and will. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/perception-action-and-will

Hollings, D. (2022, November 7). Personal ownership. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-ownership

Hollings, D. (2025, September 9). Personal responsibility and accountability. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/personal-responsibility-and-accountability

Hollings, D. (2024, July 20). Perspective shift. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/perspective-shift

Hollings, D. (2025, September 19). Power. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/power

Hollings, D. (2025, April 25). Preferences vs. expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferences-vs-expectations

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Preferential should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferential-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2025, February 24). Reinforcement and punishment. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/reinforcement-and-punishment

Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous

Hollings, D. (2025, October 9). Self-awareness, self-examination, and self-determination. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-awareness-self-examination-and-self-determination

Hollings, D. (2025, December 7). Speculation: We must be doing something right. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/speculation-we-must-be-doing-something-right

Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Stoicism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stoicism

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model

Hollings, D. (2026, February 17). Unexpected strings: Escapism and avoidance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unexpected-strings-escapism-and-avoidance

Hollings, D. (2023, May 3). Want vs. need. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/want-vs-need

Hollings, D. (2022, August 8). Was Freud right? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/was-freud-right

Hollings, D. (2026, April 30). Willfully stuck: I’m stuck in my ways. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/willfully-stuck-i-m-stuck-in-my-ways

Timeless Music. (2009, June 5). Grease – You’re The One That I Want [HQ+lyrics] [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/7oKPYe53h78?si=NicQVoPAbc4x9ebu

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Epictetus. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epictetus

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Grease (film). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grease_(film)

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Grease (soundtrack). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grease_(soundtrack)

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Greaser (subculture). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greaser_(subculture)

Wikipedia. (n.d.). John Travolta. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Travolta

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Olivia Newton-John. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olivia_Newton-John

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Operant conditioning. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operant_conditioning

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Ryan Holiday. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Holiday

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Shaping (psychology). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaping_(psychology)

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Varsity letter. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Varsity_letter

Wikipedia. (n.d.). You’re the One That I Want. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You%27re_the_One_That_I_Want