Better Let It Go

[DISCLAIMER]

In 2006, hip hop duo Little Brother (lyricists Phonte and Big Pooh) released Separate but Equal which contained the track “Let It Go”, produced by 9th Wonder, that featured lyricist Yasiin Bey and a sample of “Got to Get Along” (1976) by Jamaican reggae fusion band Third World.

Notably, the hook states, “Let it go. Ah, ah, let it go. Better let it go. Ah, just let it go. Pull it back, let it go. Ah, and let it flow, like… (All my hopes were being disguised).” For context, the phrase “let it go” means to forget or not care about something. I liken it to acceptance.

Also, I appreciate the Little Brother song, because it serves as one approach to improved care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”). In particular, I invite you to consider this axiom from the perspective of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

Herein, I’ll provide three scenarios worth considering: unhealthy disturbance, healthy distress, and healthy indifference. Before doing so, it may help to clarify an REBT view regarding the distinction between distress and disturbance. According to one REBT source (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

Scenario 1: Unhealthy disturbance – The United States (U.S.) and Israel initiated hostile armed conflict (i.e., war) against Iran (Action). You then Believe, “Warmongers are worthless [G], and I can’t stand them [L], because their terrible actions [A] absolutely mustn’t be tolerated [D]!”

With this unaccommodating GLAD script, you then become enraged (Consequence). Given the circumstances, I comprehend an argument for righteous indignation (morally right or justifiable anger thought to be aroused by something unjust, unworthy, or mean). I’m no fan of war either!

However, from a psychological standpoint, I know that people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C view, warlike activities (Action) cause death (Consequence). Yet, self-disturbed righteous indignation that manifests as rage is a matter of the B-C connection, as illustrated by the aforementioned unaccommodating GLAD script.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

The process of challenging personal philosophies of life can take longer than I care to demonstrate herein. Thus, in the interest of time, imagine that instead of self-disturbing you use rigorous Disputation and come up with the following Effective new belief.

Scenario 2: Healthy distress – The U.S. and Israel start war with Iran (Action) and after challenging your unhelpful script you Effectively believe, “I wish war never occurred, as it preferably shouldn’t, though it does happen. Still, I don’t like that my country initiated conflict.”

With this accommodating attitude, you may still experience righteous indignation while merely being frustrated, annoyed, or disappointed (Consequence). I maintain that this is a tolerable and acceptable outcome whereby healthy distress is more appealing than unhealthy disturbance.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-distressing or self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” In “Let It Go”, the hook states that one “better let it go.”

Aside from the ABC model, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Scenario 3: Healthy indifference – The U.S. and Israel start war with Iran (Action) and you flexibly Believe, “My reactions have consequences, as I control only my reactions (USA). I may be able to influence some people (UOA), yet I have no control or influence over war (ULA).”

With this accommodating attitude, you experience indifference (absence of compulsion to or toward one thing or another). As such, you merely acknowledge that our nation is once again instigating unconstitutional war abroad, as you’re essentially powerless to change this event.

Admittedly, some people with whom I’ve practiced REBT have expressed disinterest in my approach to UA in this respect. They apparently conclude that powerlessness over matters within the circle of concern isn’t an indication of desirable mental health for most individuals.

Conversely, I argue that it’s empowering not to delude oneself regarding one’s own abilities, and to take control of the one element in life over which one has some legitimate control—one’s own reaction to undesirable events, such as war. Thus, my approach is a method of rational living.

Stated differently, drawing upon use of self, I recently told a client that I previously served in the U.S. Marine Corps, worked in or with a number of government entities, and once guarded the U.S. stockpile of nuclear weapons. With some knowledge of the topic, I stated something like:

You and I can’t control or influence what’s taking place in Iran, or what may occur thereafter. Will our nation go down in the history books as the instigator of World War III? It’s not an impossible likelihood. Will all of this result in nuclear winter? It isn’t improbable.

Again, you and I have no control or influence in this regard. Now, wouldn’t it be something if the world ended in… let’s say three months or so? There you sit, self-distressing or self-disturbing about the possibility, and then it actually happens!

Meanwhile, I spent the same three months in healthy indifference. We both had the same amount of time left in life. Yet, when we went out with a bang, you were upset by your beliefs. I, on the other hand, was content with what I could control—my reaction to an unfalsifiable possibility.

Given the three scenarios offered herein, which would you choose? We all make our choices, and you do have a decision to make! So, what will you choose? Personally, I tell myself that I better let that shit go, as I have control over my beliefs while having no ability to change war.

Finally, it’s worth noting that in each of the Actions outlined herein there was no change. The only alteration made in scenarios 1, 2, and 3 were the Beliefs and Consequences. Importantly, the former changed the latter. Thus, I again ask, what will you choose to change about war?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Freepik, fair use

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