You Better Talk to Him
When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.
For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.
It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.
An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.
Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.
While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.
Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.
For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.
Sixteen days after his murder, the double album Life After Death (1997) by hip hop legend and lyricist the Notorious B.I.G. (“Biggie”) was released. I purchased the much-anticipated album at the time and enjoyed it for many years thereafter.
One of my favorite tracks on the anthology was “I Got a Story to Tell”. It was produced by Buckwild, Chucky Thompson, and Sean “Puffy” Combs, and contained samples of Al Green’s “I’m Glad You’re Mine” (1972) and Andreas Vollenweider’s “Belladonna” (1983).
As he was gifted in the art of storytelling, Biggie rapped about having engaged in sexual acts with a woman who was presumably committed to a professional basketball star when her intimate partner suddenly and unexpectedly showed up at the home when Biggie was with her.
Specifically, Biggie stated, “I’m up in his broad, I know he won’t like this. Now, I’m like, ‘Bitch, you better talk to him, before this fifth [gun] put a spark to him!’ Fuck around, shit get dark to him, put a part through him, lose a major part to him — arm, leg!”
In this instance, Biggie used an inflexible demandingness derivative. In particular, stating “you better talk to him” is synonymous with expressing that “you absolutely must talk to him,” as the Consequences of this violated Belief would reflect murder. It doesn’t get much more inflexible!
Fortunately for the woman, Biggie devised a plan to stage a robbery rather than committing murder. He made it appear as if the woman was held at gunpoint, as the lyricist walked away with over $100,000 in money and other valuables. Nevertheless, this was an inflexible situation.
Not many years after that track was released, hip hop duo Lone Catalysts (lyricists J. Rawls and J. Sands) released their album The Catalysts Files (2002). It contained the song “Two’s Company and Three’s a Crowd”.
Apparently in homage to Biggie, the lyrics state, “You know the situation. Yo, isn’t it wild? Two’s company, and three’s a crowd! Man, look here. Rene was actin’ short. So, I said, ‘You better talk to him, or pray he watch for the hook [punch], ‘cause I’m not lookin’ for beef!’”
In this instance, murder wasn’t on the line. Yet, physical assault was. Thus, this is an inflexible demandingness derivative. Now, I present you with these two hip hop songs so that you can better understand how the Consequences of one’s Beliefs are sometimes caused by inflexibility.
In closing, in 2001, when I was unfortunately caught in a similar situation as Biggie, I was able to use flexible Beliefs. See? I learned what not to do from the lyricist. Now, as Biggie stated on “I Got a Story to Tell”, “two words… I’m gone!” Rest easy, Biggie. One.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit, Designed by Magnific, fair use
References:
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