Social Learning: How You Perform Doesn’t Determine Your Self-Worth
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
Now, as the matter pertains to this blogpost, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines social learning as “learning that is facilitated through social interactions with other individuals.” Furthermore, the APA thusly defines social learning theory:
[T]he general view that learning is largely or wholly due to modeling, imitation, and other social interactions. More specifically, behavior is assumed to be developed and regulated by external stimulus events, such as the influence of other individuals, and by external reinforcement, such as praise, blame, and reward.
For example, if a student receives extra credit for arriving early to class and another student in the classroom observes this, the latter student may model the behavior by arriving a few minutes early each day as well. Indeed, modeling is one of the most pervasive and powerful means of transmitting patterns of behavior: Once observers extract the rules and structure underlying the modeled activities, they can generate new patterns of behavior that conform to those properties but go beyond what they have seen or heard, expanding their knowledge and skills rapidly without having to go through the process of learning by response consequences.
Although many researchers have proposed their own specific social learning theories, the term is most commonly associated with the work of Albert Bandura and Julian Rotter. Bandura subsequently incorporated cognition into his ideas on social learning, a modification that became known as social-cognitive theory. Despite the distinction, however, many people use the two terms interchangeably.
Given this framework on social learning, I posit that performance (any activity or collection of responses that leads to a result or has an effect on the environment) isn’t a determinant (any internal or external condition that is the cause of an event) of self-worth (an individual’s evaluation of themself as a valuable, capable human being deserving of respect and consideration).
Therefore, when practicing REBT, I use personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) regarding self-worth. For improved understanding, responsibility is defined as the quality or state of being responsible, such as a moral, legal, or mental accountability.
Here, “responsible” is defined as liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent, and being able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations—something, such as the demands of conscience or custom, that obligates one to a course of action.
Also, “accountable” is defined as subject to giving an account—a statement explaining one’s conduct. Accountability is defined as the quality or state of being accountable, especially regarding an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.
When providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT, a psychotherapeutic modality which arguably requires that one preferably should take personal ownership in order to reduce self-distress or self-disturbance, I lean heavily on both responsibility and accountability.
This is because I maintain that people have personal agency (a person’s ability to control one’s own reactions to activating events which are beyond one’s own dominion, especially when one’s response is limited by someone or something else). This is a matter of self-empowerment.
I maintain that it’s a matter of disempowerment to center one’s own worth in the opinions of other people. After all, others will retain conflicting assessments of your performance. However, pertaining to social learning, how you perform doesn’t determine your self-worth.
When further contemplating this matter, I reflect upon Acoustic Soul (2001), the debut studio album by singer-songwriter and music producer India Arie. It contained the song “Video”, featuring samples of Brick’s “Fun” (1977) and hip hop duo Audio Two’s “Top Billin’” (1987).
On the “Video” chorus, Arie states, “I’m not the average girl from your video, and I ain’t built like a supermodel. But I learned to love myself unconditionally, because I am a queen. I’m not the average girl from your video. My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes. No matter what I’m wearing, I will always be the India Arie.”
While these lyrics serve as aspirational or inspirational endeavors to people, I argue that self-love isn’t as important as self-acceptance. Either way, regarding love of oneself or acceptance of oneself, I appreciate Arie’s view of “unconditionally” valuing, despite social learning.
Now, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the event itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):
REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).
Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.
Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world, wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C view, hypothetically speaking you criticize Arie for not looking or dressing like “the average girl from your video” (Action) and she then creates the song “Video” (Consequence). Demonstrating an unhelpful B-C view, let’s pretend that she self-disturbed.
You criticized Arie’s behavior (Action), she hypothetically Believed, “I’m worthless [G], and I can’t stand myself [L], because it’s awful to not look or dress like other women [A], so I mustn’t be seen at all [D],” and she then experienced negative, but unhealthy disgust (Consequence).
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Fortunately, Arie doesn’t appear to have used an unhelpful B-C view. Contrarily, she plausibly used the hypothetical Effective belief, “I’m not the average girl from your video, and I ain’t built like a supermodel. But I learned to love myself unconditionally, because I am a queen.”
I reject the evocation of royalty, as I view kings and queens as oppressors of a populous. Likewise, as expressed herein, I argue that self-love isn’t as important as self-acceptance. Now, allow me to illustrate this latter point, though as it pertains to oneself, others, and life.
In particular, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Regarding her circle of control and USA, Arie could acknowledge that even if she doesn’t love herself, she can unconditionally accept the fact that she’s a fallible human being. Concerning her circle of influence and UOA, Arie could also apply this fallibility standard to other people.
Pertaining to her circle of concern and ULA, Arie could recognize that life itself is a flawed experience. Moreover, relating to her area of no concern, Arie could admit that it’s a matter of imagination to pretend as though an imperfect life will ever be free of criticism from others.
Using both the ABC model and UA, as they relate to social learning, I conclusively maintain that how you perform doesn’t determine your self-worth, as also illustrated by Arie in “Video”. Regarding a similar view, Ellis stated (pages 20 and 21):
Self-downing or lack of self-acceptance has biological as well as social sources. All humans have to rate or evaluate their behaviors in order to survive and fulfill their goals. But when they rate their thoughts, feelings, and deeds, they have an inborn tendency, which is exacerbated by their social learning, to overgeneralize and to globally rate themselves.
Thus, when they behave well they inaccurately think, “I am a good person” and when they behave badly they unrealistically think, “I am a bad person.” Because behaving badly can lead to dire results – including ostracism and death – they are more likely to say “I am a bad person” when they fail to do well than “I am a good person” when they succeed in doing well.
For safety’s sake, they wrongly believe, “I absolutely must do well and be approved by significant others” instead of “It is highly preferable that I perform well and be approved but it is not absolutely necessary.” Consequently, when they behave inefficiently they tend to put themselves down rather than merely criticize and correct their behavior.
Their social learning frequently encourages them to do this kind of self-downing. In our culture, it encourages women to have higher goals and values – that is, to be “nicer” and “more attractive” than men – and thereby fosters more self-criticism and self-downing.
Women, and men too, would be less prone to feeling “less worthy” if they were shown, as Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) teaches them, to unconditionally accept themselves whether or not they performed well and whether or not they were universally approved. All humans are exceptionally fallible and unconditional self-acceptance (USA) helps them acknowledge their fallibility and still not put themselves down for it.
What Ellis stated in a book was expressed by Arie in a song. I’ve now synthesized this information in a poorly written blogpost. What will you do with this knowledge? As it regards social learning, how you perform doesn’t determine your self-worth! Now, what will you do?
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit, Designed by Magnific, fair use
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Hollings, D. (2026, July 7). Self-distress and distress tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-distress-and-distress-tolerance
Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2025, January 6). Self-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-downing
Hollings, D. (2025, November 18). Self-love and self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-love-and-self-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2024, November 3). Self-love and self-respect. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-love-and-self-respect
Hollings, D. (2026, April 21). Self-upset. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-upset
Hollings, D. (2026, June 11). Shaping: Force of habit – No rewarding bad behavior! Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/shaping-force-of-habit-no-rewarding-bad-behavior
Hollings, D. (2026, May 31). Standards and principles. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/standards-and-principles
Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). Suffering, struggling, and battling vs. experiencing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/suffering-struggling-and-battling-vs-experiencing
Hollings, D. (2025, August 6). Take an inventory of your obligations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/take-an-inventory-of-your-obligations
Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection
Hollings, D. (2022, December 25). The B-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-b-c-connection
Hollings, D. (2026, April 12). The Cartesian crisis: What do I control? What do I influence? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ the-cartesian-crisis-what-do-i-control-what-do-i-influence
Hollings, D. (2022, November 2). The critical A. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-critical-a
Hollings, D. (2025, January 2). The distinction between law and justice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-distinction-between-law-and-justice
Hollings, D. (2026, February 21). The preferences versus expectations paradigm: Love is not enough, though virtue is. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-preferences-versus-expectations-paradigm-love-is-not-enough-though-virtue-is
Hollings, D. (2026, May 15). The speed of thoughts and beliefs: Flipping the bird. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-speed-of-thoughts-and-beliefs-flipping-the-bird
Hollings, D. (2026, April 23). The three traditionally identified components of the mind: Affect, cognition, and conation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-three-traditionally-identified-components-of-the-mind-affect-cognition-and-conation
Hollings, D. (2025, April 15). This cake smells unpleasant. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/this-cake-smells-unpleasant
Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal
Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model
Hollings, D. (2026, March 14). Trolley problem: Distress or disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/trolley-problem-distress-or-disturbance
Hollings, D. (2024, October 20). Unconditional acceptance redux. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-acceptance-redux
Hollings, D. (2023, March 11). Unconditional life-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-life-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, February 25). Unconditional other-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-other-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2023, March 1). Unconditional self-acceptance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unconditional-self-acceptance
Hollings, D. (2024, March 18). Unhealthy vs. healthy negative emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhealthy-vs-healthy-negative-emotions
Hollings, D. (2024, October 26). Unhelpful expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhelpful-expectations
Hollings, D. (2025, February 9). Value. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/value
Hollings, D. (2025, September 28). War crimes: A rational course of action. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/war-crimes-a-rational-course-of-action
Hollings, D. (2025, January 10). Who is the one to blame? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/who-is-the-one-to-blame
Hollings, D. (2025, September 28). You are not a bad person. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-are-not-a-bad-person
Hollings, D. (2026, March 8). You are not your beliefs or ideas. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-are-not-your-beliefs-or-ideas
Hollings, D. (2026, May 8). You cannot vote your way out of oppression or comply your way out of tyranny. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-cannot-vote-your-way-out-of-oppression-or-comply-your-way-out-of-tyranny
Hollings, D. (2026, March 26). You’ll have suffered twice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-ll-have-suffered-twice
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