Death and Dying: It Is the Child Within Us That Trembles Before Death

[DISCLAIMER]

Despite his many foibles (minor flaws or shortcomings in character or behavior), as he was little more than a fallible human being—as am I, my dad taught me many meaningful lessons about life. Paramount among them, from a very young age, my dad taught me about death.

His teaching opened my impressionable mind to knowledge, wisdom, and understanding about the inescapability of what the American Psychological Association (APA) defines as “the permanent cessation of physical and mental processes in an organism” (i.e., death).

Conversely, my late mom reinforced these verbal lessons in her own fallible way. Using an experiential method, my mom often loaded me and my sisters into our car, cruised throughout our town in search of motor vehicle accident scenes, and she assisted emergency workers.

On more occasions than I care to recount, I witnessed firsthand truth about reality regarding the unavoidability of death. I’m referencing decapitations of motorcyclists, bodies having been torn in two from semi-trailer trucks, and other gnarly depictions of the death and dying process.

For context, the APA defines the dying process as “a progressive and nonreversible loss of vital functions that results in the end of life. The transition from health to death can be swift or extended, predictable or unpredictable, depending on the specific life-threatening condition, the vigor of the patient, and the treatment available.”

All of this occurred prior to, and during, my elementary school years. I imagine that this element of life played a factor in my decision to have selected the military police (MP) field concerning service in the United States (U.S.) Marine Corps, not long after graduating high school.

In that capacity, I observed death and dying experiences. Suicide attempts and completed suicides, homicides, industrial accident scenes, and other encounters with death were relatively commonplace for MPs. This included deaths of men, women, and children (yes, infants, too).

Since military service, I’ve encountered death and dying experiences, perhaps more than the average U.S. citizen. After all, in the field of professional care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”), I’m sometimes in close proximity to death.

Given my lifelong account regarding the matter of death and dying, I’m under no illusion that I will live a long life. (Also, I don’t desire to live until old age, in essence, becoming childlike.) It’s with this frame of reference that I now turn to a book that I’ve been steadily reading.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

Thankfully, my parents taught me not to fear death and dying, while the APA defines fear as “a basic, intense emotion aroused by the detection of imminent threat, involving an immediate alarm reaction that mobilizes the organism by triggering a set of physiological changes.”

Granted, my mom’s approaches to lessons on death and dying were unhealthy, as my dad’s mythology was healthy, though I learned not to fear death either way. Now, regarding the matter of death, authors of The Daily Stoic quote Epictetus, who stated (page 382):

Do you then ponder how the supreme of human evils, the surest mark of the base and cowardly, is not death, but the fear of death? I urge you to discipline yourself against such fear, direct all your thinking, exercises, and reading this way—and you will know the only path to human freedom.

Due to my upbringing, I was free of fear about death and dying. Unhelpfully, from childhood, many of the clients to whom I provide mental health services weren’t taught about their unavoidable deaths. Regarding death, authors of The Daily Stoic begin (page 382):

To steel himself before he committed suicide rather than submit to Julius Caesar’s destruction of the Roman Republic, the great Stoic philosopher Cato read a bit of Plato’s Phaedo.

In it, Plato writes, “It is the child within us that trembles before death.” Death is scary because it is such an unknown. No one can come back and tell us what it is like. We are in the dark about it.

I fervently disagree with the notion that “death is scary [causing a fright].” Rather, what one believes about death is what causes fear, a scary condition, or fright. Allow me to explain.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C view, a motorcyclist who dressed for the ride and not the slide (e.g., wearing shorts, sandals, and a tank top) recklessly maneuvers a motorcycle down a hill and onto loose gravel (Action), and subsequently dies with his body completely torn open (Consequence).

That’s one of the accident scenes I witnessed at around five- or six-years-old! In the material world, A-C death and dying experiences occur every single day. Nevertheless, from the B-C view, one’s Beliefs about the unknown experience of death are what cause fright (Consequence).

For instance, I witnessed the aftermath of a motorcyclist’s death (Action), Believed, “This is really bad [G], and I couldn’t bear to die [L], because it’d be awful to die at any moment [L], as I must live forever [D],” and I then experienced fright in childhood (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

In all fairness to my younger self, it wasn’t merely my Beliefs about death that resulted in fright. More specifically, my Beliefs about the matter of dying were what generated fright. I was fine with no longer existing in organic form, though I didn’t want to suffer the process of dying.

In any event, given the distinction between the A-C and B-C framing of death, I argue that death and dying aren’t “scary.” Rather, “It is the child within us that trembles before death,” because of that child’s unhelpful Beliefs. Still, authors of The Daily Stoic continue (page 382):

As childlike and ultimately ignorant as we are about death, there are plenty of wise men and women who can at least provide some guidance. There’s a reason that the world’s oldest people never seem to be afraid of death: they’ve had more time to think about it than we have (and they realized how pointless worrying was).

There are other wonderful resources: Florida Scott-Maxwell’s Stoic diary during her terminal illness, The Measure of My Days, is one. Seneca’s famous words to his family and friends, who had broken down and begged with his executioners, is another.

“Where,” Seneca gently chided them, “are your maxims of philosophy, or the preparation of so many years’ study against evils to come?” Throughout philosophy there are inspiring, brave words from brave men and women who can help us face this fear.

Regarding death, I don’t know (or care) how inspirational my words may be to those who’ve known me while alive. Still, I offer Ecclesiastes 9:5, “For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no further reward, and even their name is forgotten.”

Simply forget about me once I’m gone, because I will be free from the suffering which is inherent in this life! You know about death and the process of dying, so why waste what time you have left mourning me? Move on! In closing, authors of The Daily Stoic state (page 382):

There is another helpful consideration about death from the Stoics. If death is truly the end, then what is there exactly to fear? For everything from your fears to your pain receptors to your worries and your remaining wishes, they will perish with you. As frightening as death might seem, remember: it contains within it the end of fear.

As far as I’m concerned, bring on the perishing phase of life! I’m ready! As for you, you’re invited to consider the topic of death and dying. Recall that Plato wrote, “It is the child within us that trembles before death.” Now, is freedom from life something you absolutely must fear?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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