Show Me How You Feel: I Wish You Would Heal It

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

Before illustrating a demandingness derivative, it may be helpful to add that sometimes mental scripts are accompanied by inferences (the act of passing from one proposition, statement, or judgment considered as true to another whose truth is believed to follow from that of the former).

Notably, the ABC model notes how distorted inferences (misleading conclusions based on illogical and unreasonable beliefs) cause disturbance (i.e., stemming from irrational beliefs) and distress (i.e., stemming from rational beliefs). Now, I submit an example for your review.

When listening to an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set by Kasia and Korolova, I heard the track “For a Feeling” by English DJ and production duo CamelPhat along with Ukrainian DJ and music production duo ARTBAT, featuring vocals by English singer Rhodes, as the lyrics state:

Show me how you feel […]

It’s like nothing ever works

And it only seems to hurt

Show me how you feel [x2]

We’ve been chasing old ideas

It’s a lonely way to live

Show me how you feel

I wish you would heal it

But you’re killing me

All for a feeling [x2] […]

Show me how you feel

A feeling relates to either: 1. Emotion (i.e., joy, fear, anger, sorrow, disgust, surprise, etc.) or 2. Sensation (e.g., tightened or stiffened jaw). If the word “feel” (or any derivative thereof) can be replaced with “hunch,” “thought,” or “belief” (or any derivative thereof), it’s not a feeling.

Providing a charitable view of those who created the 2020 song, I’ll presume that the artists intended to reference the proper use of feelings-based language. Thus, when Rhodes pleads for someone to “show me how you feel,” I imagine he’s speaking of an emotion or sensation.

When used flexibly, this statement infers a preferential form of demandingness. It’s as though the vocalist is stating ‘preferably, you should show me how you feel.’ Often, qualifiers such as “preferably” are inferred in the inference (i.e., ‘you should show me how you feel’).

Similarly, I surmise that Rhodes uses a malleable preference-based inference when expressing “I wish you would heal it” regarding the situation, a relationship, his heart, etc. In this case, it’s as though the vocalist is suggesting, ‘I wish you would heal it, so you preferably should do so.’

The only evidence to counter my proposed interpretation of Rhodes’s two demandingness inferences is the subsequent lyric “but you’re killing me.” Presuming the singer doesn’t mean that someone is actually taking his life, then I question whether or not his scripts are flexible.

For instance, suppose that you stated, “I wish I had a million dollars.” This expressed desire may or may not come to fruition. Imagine that it doesn’t. Would you then rigidly declare, “It’s killing me that I don’t have a million dollars”? If so, then I invite you to contact me for REBT services!

Now, let’s imagine that you’re not engaging in hyperbole, you don’t irrationally believe that not receiving that for which you wish will literally kill you, and that you’re a rather well-adjusted individual who understands that your beliefs about your wishes may result in disappointment.

Granting this perspective, you may say, “Show me how you feel. I wish you would heal it,” and to whomever you’re speaking may laugh in your face. At that, you don’t conclude that the person is “killing” you. Rather, you reason that other people don’t absolutely have to share your desires.

Ergo, it all depends on context as to what Rhodes is communicating in “For a Feeling”—a rigid demand or flexible desire. With hope, I’ve adequately described this finer point of the ABC model herein. If you’d like to know more about REBT, then I look forward to hearing from you.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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