To Offend and Endure Offense: Você Tem Chulé

[DISCLAIMER]

In adolescence, I was taught to compliment females (girls and women) so that they could experience satisfying outcomes. Specifically, the matriarch of a family that invited me to live with them when I was a teenager told me about which types of accolades were most desired.

“We like it when you [males (boys and men)] notice that we’ve gotten a haircut—whether or not it looks good,” she said.” “Tell us nice things, like we’re wearing a pretty dress, we smell nice, and be thoughtful with your compliments,” she added.

By her instruction, I became quite proficient with handing out praise to girls and women alike. However, after a while, I began to consider whether or not the niceties I bestowed upon females served less as compliments of hopeful anticipation and more as self-entitled expectation.

Thus, I was faced with a dilemma (a usually undesirable or unpleasant choice). On one hand, if speaking truth about a hairdo that was subjectively ugly, I’d violate the standard imparted to me by my legal guardian (i.e., “notice when we’ve gotten a haircut—whether or not it looks good”).

On the other hand, mere anticipation of a compliment may result in negative and healthy disappointment, though inflexible expectation of praise could be the occasion of negative and unhealthy anger. Perhaps at this point, I could discuss the psychotherapeutic model I practice.

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

Before I provide an example of the A-C and B-C connections, allow me to elaborate on the personal anecdote from my teenage years. Once I realized that a dilemma existed in regard to anticipation and expectation of compliments, I then decided to give myself another option.

To recapitulate, speaking truth violated a standard imparted to me by my legal guardian, not giving a compliment correlated with a negative and healthy outcome (i.e., disappointment), and giving a compliment could correlate with a negative and unhealthy result (i.e., anger).

Thus, I began dis-informing (to deliberately give incorrect or misleading information to someone) females about how supposedly smelly their feet were. I chose something as absurd as saying “your feet smell like corn chips,” because it was a lighthearted tease, not a serious rebuke.

Now, from an A-C view, trapped sweat combining with naturally occurring bacteria and fungi (Action) causes foot odor (Consequence). Yet, when communicating an absurd statement about stinky feet, it was the B-C connection that caused negative and unhealthy anger of females.

“Your feet stink,” I’d say (Action), girl X then plausibly Believed, “Deric is a jerk [G], and I can’t stand him [L], because it’s awful when I receive an insult [A], so he mustn’t offend me [D],” and this unaccommodating self-narrative then caused anger (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

For context, to offend someone is to transgress a moral or ethical standard or rule. In common parlance, taking offense is something that supposedly outrages the moral or physical senses from an A-C perspective, or merely the act of displeasing or affronting by way of the A-C connection.

However, given the B-C framework discussed herein, you offend yourself with inflexible Beliefs. Therefore, when you’re self-disturbed (e.g., negative and unhealthy rage) or self-distressed (e.g., negative and healthy disgust), you cause your own offense when using specific Beliefs.

Even without knowledge about REBT, I somewhat understood the B-C connection in this regard when enlisted in the United States (U.S.) Marine Corps (1996-2007), serving as a Marine Security Guard in the U.S. Consulate in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil (1999-2000).

When I befriended an interpreter who helped me learn to speak Brasilian Portuguese at about a forty percent conversational level, I asked, “Will you teach me how to say ‘you have smelly feet’?” “What? Why would you want to say such a thing to anyone,” she responded.

After explaining my resolve to the dilemma about compliments, my friend acquiesced. “Você tem chulé,” she told me. “Você” means “you,” “tem” means “have,” and “chulé” means “smelly feet.” Once I learned this phrase, I went on an A-C mission that correlated with B-C outcomes.

Remember, people aren’t offended by words. Rather, they endure offense when maintaining unhelpful attitudes about syllables uttered from the mouths of other individuals, or written on paper, online, and elsewhere. Regarding offense, Marcus Aurelius stated (page 313):

Are you angry when someone’s armpits stink or when their breath is bad? What would be the point? Having such a mouth and such armpits, there’s going to be a smell emanating. You say, they must have sense, can’t they tell how they are offending others?

Well, you have sense too, congratulations! So, use your natural reason to awaken theirs, show them, call it out. If the person will listen, you will have cured them without useless anger. No drama nor unseemly show required.

You aren’t offended by someone’s stinky mouth, armpits, or feet. Instead, you endure offense by what you tell yourself about such odor. If you choose to follow Aurelius’ prescription, informing others about their smelliness, then prepare to witness negative B-C reactions.

After all, not everyone else has the knowledge now imparted to you within this blogpost. Therefore, they may take offense to their unaccommodating scripts about you saying, “Você tem chulé.” If you’ve found this post beneficial and would like to know more, then I’m here to help.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

References:

Daily Stoic. (n.d.). Translating the Stoics: An interview with “The Daily Stoic” co-author Stephen Hanselman. Retrieved from https://dailystoic.com/stephen-hanselman-interview/

Dryden, W. and Neenan, M. (2006). Rational emotive behaviour therapy: 100 key points and techniques. Routledge. Retrieved from https://img1.wsimg.com/blobby/go/4b0e2552-2a18-4998-b44f-3a993148f7ac/downloads/REBT%202.pdf?ver=1627365797554

Holiday, R. and Hanselman, S. (2016). The daily stoic: 366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living. Penguin Random House LLC. Retrieved from https://www.pdfdrive.com/the-daily-stoic-366-meditations-on-wisdom-perseverance-and-the-art-of-living-d61378067.html

Hollings, D. (2025, October 19). Adhering to invisible scripts. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/adhering-to-invisible-scripts

Hollings, D. (2025, September 13). Are your actions ruled by reason? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/are-your-actions-ruled-by-reason

Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions

Hollings, D. (2024, August 7). Awfulizing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/awfulizing

Hollings, D. (2026, March 3). Blowback and knock-on effects: Subjectivity of beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/blowback-and-knock-on-effects-subjectivity-of-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation

Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness

Hollings, D. (2022, October 5). Description vs. prescription. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/description-vs-prescription

Hollings, D. (2025, May 4). Dilemmas and paradoxes. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/dilemmas-and-paradoxes

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2026, April 17). Disgust. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disgust

Hollings, D. (2025, March 12). Distress vs. disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/distress-vs-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Empirical should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/empirical-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2025, September 8). Entitlement. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/entitlement

Hollings, D. (2026, June 4). Expectations: I’ve been sorting through a lot of shit that’s in my head now. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/expectations-i-ve-been-sorting-through-a-lot-of-shit-that-s-in-my-head-now

Hollings, D. (2025, December 13). Explanation and justification. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/explanation-and-justification

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2026, February 13). Five, four, three… beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/five-four-three-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (2023, September 13). Global evaluations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/global-evaluations

Hollings, D. (2024, April 13). Goals. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/goals

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2026, March 16). Hopeful anticipation vs. disturbing expectation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/hopeful-anticipation-vs-disturbing-expectation

Hollings, D. (2024, October 21). Impermanence and uncertainty. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/impermanence-and-uncertainty

Hollings, D. (2022, November 8). Information overload. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/information-overload

Hollings, D. (2024, February 14). Insufferable vs. undesirable. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/insufferable-vs-undesirable

Hollings, D. (2026, February 8). Is It Desire, or Is It Love? Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/is-it-desire-or-is-it-love

Hollings, D. (2025, June 13). It isn’t manly to be enraged. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/it-isn-t-manly-to-be-enraged

Hollings, D. (2025, October 13). Knowledge, wisdom, understanding. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/knowledge-wisdom-understanding

Hollings, D. (2025, May 18). Learning to understand, attentively and deeply. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/learning-to-understand-attentively-and-deeply

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance

Hollings, D. (2024, April 5). Missed-information. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/missed-information

Hollings, D. (2023, October 2). Morals and ethics. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/morals-and-ethics

Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude

Hollings, D. (2025, August 2). My philosophy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-philosophy

Hollings, D. (2026, April 26). Negative, but healthy anger and aggression. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/negative-but-healthy-anger-and-aggression

Hollings, D. (2023, April 24). On truth. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/on-truth

Hollings, D. (2023, September 15). Psychotherapeutic modalities. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapeutic-modalities

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2025, August 13). Rational versus irrational thoughts and beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-versus-irrational-thoughts-and-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Rational vs. irrational. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-vs-irrational

Hollings, D. (2024, July 18). REBT flexibility. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-flexibility

Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous

Hollings, D. (2026, March 5). Rules-based order: Rules will vary. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rules-based-order-rules-will-vary

Hollings, D. (2025, January 15). Satisfaction. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/satisfaction

Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2026, April 21). Self-upset. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-upset

Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Sensation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/sensation

Hollings, D. (2026, May 31). Standards and principles. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/standards-and-principles

Hollings, D. (2024, April 21). Stoicism. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/stoicism

Hollings, D. (2024, February 27). Suffering, struggling, and battling vs. experiencing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/suffering-struggling-and-battling-vs-experiencing

Hollings, D. (2022, December 23). The A-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-a-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2022, December 25). The B-C connection. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-b-c-connection

Hollings, D. (2022, November 2). The critical A. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/the-critical-a

Hollings, D. (2025, April 15). This cake smells unpleasant. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/this-cake-smells-unpleasant

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2025, April 18). Tolerable FAD. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tolerable-fad

Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model

Hollings, D. (2024, March 18). Unhealthy vs. healthy negative emotions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhealthy-vs-healthy-negative-emotions

Hollings, D. (2024, October 26). Unhelpful expectations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/unhelpful-expectations

U.S. Embassy & Consulates in Brazil. (n.d.). U.S. Consulate in Rio de Janeiro. Retrieved from https://br.usembassy.gov/u-s-consulate-in-rio-de-janeiro/

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Marcus Aurelius. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Aurelius

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Marine Security Guard. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marine_Security_Guard

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Ryan Holiday. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Holiday

Wikipedia. (n.d.). United States Marine Corps. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Marine_Corps