Deal With It

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

Before illustrating a demandingness derivative, it may be helpful to add that sometimes mental scripts are accompanied by inferences (the act of passing from one proposition, statement, or judgment considered as true to another whose truth is believed to follow from that of the former).

Notably, the ABC model notes how distorted inferences (misleading conclusions based on illogical and unreasonable beliefs) cause disturbance (i.e., stemming from irrational beliefs) and distress (i.e., stemming from rational beliefs). Now, I submit an example for your review.

Before doing so, some context is necessary. When serving in the United States Marine Corps (1996-2007), “don’t ask, don’t tell”—a policy on military service for homosexual people—was in effect. As such, I often heard and used the term “faggot” (derogatory slur used for gay men).

I’ve since taken personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) for my use of the offensive term, as I no longer use it. Still, I support the freedom of speech. So I don’t rigidly demand that others mustn’t use the term, and I don’t censor myself when citing such use.

In any event, when stationed aboard Marine Corps Air Station Miramar, I was twice placed in the Naval Consolidated Brig, Miramar during a year in which I experienced administrative and legal troubles. While in the brig, I heard other men crying loudly when they self-disturbed.

Reflecting upon that period of time, I’m reminded of the song “Same Time” by lyricist Joell Ortiz from his album Monday (2019). On his second verse, Ortiz describes a fluctuating state of incarceration that is reminiscent of my time in the brig, as he states:

I’m in and out this place every couple years

Face tatted with a couple tears

Yellin’ at some faggot on the upper tier

He keep cryin’ through the night, like, “Why the fuck I’m here?”

Nigga, deal with it!

I experienced a similar circumstance when hearing other inmates crying loudly in the brig. Inevitably, someone would be referred to as a “faggot” and someone would exercise a distorted inference serving as a demandingness derivative, as encapsulated in Ortiz’s “Same Time”.

Specifically, saying “deal with it” infers that an individual absolutely or conditionally must resolve one’s own issues, or else there may be unpleasant consequences following violation of the inferred demand. Indeed, I witnessed men battering one another regarding such outcomes.

Thus, I learned to shed tears in silence when physically separated from the woman with whom I was in love at the time. Besides, remaining in a state of incarceration was unpleasant as it was. I didn’t want to make matters worse for myself when violating someone else’s rigid demand.

Of course, there are recommendatory and preferential forms of “deal with it” which are flexible. Concluding the currently blogpost, I’ll use one of these forms.

Now, I offer this psychoeducational lesson to you. Sometimes, the self-disturbed consequences following someone else’s inflexible demands, even when presented via a distorted inference, are worth considering if or when your own safety is at hand.

For me, it wasn’t worth being called a “faggot” or being the recipient of physical battery due to a difference of beliefs concerning the men with whom I was incarcerated. Therefore, I took personal ownership for my role in the situation and cried silently.

Wasting time discussing whether or not such an event should’ve existed was pointless. This is because one lives within the imperfect world that so unsurprisingly is. Ergo, I encourage you to use flexible beliefs when encountering the inflexible beliefs of others. Deal with it.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

References:

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