God May Forgive You, but I Won’t. Jesus Loves You, but I Don’t.
Allow me to present a relatively controversial perspective regarding my approach to personal and professional care for mental, emotional, and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”). Before doing so, it may be useful to define a number of terms. According to one source:
A supreme deity, supreme being, supreme god, or simply just God (often with capital G), is a deity within theistic belief systems which is believed to be the ultimate cause of all things in existence. As such, it is seen as the creator, sustainer, and ruler of the universe. God is often thought of as incorporeal and independent of the material creation.
For full disclosure, regarding the existence of God, I remain agnostic (a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality, such as a supreme being, is unknown and probably unknowable). Yet, when I was formerly a member of the Churches of Christ, I believed that God was love.
That belief was based on 1 John 4:8, “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines love:
[A] complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the love object, pleasurable sensations in their presence, devotion to their well-being, and sensitivity to their reactions to oneself.
Although love takes many forms, including concern for one’s fellow humans (brotherly love), parental love, erotic love, self-love, and identification with the totality of being (love of God), the triangular theory of love proposes three essential components: passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Social psychological research in this area has focused largely on passionate love, in which sexual desire and excitement predominate, and companionate love, in which passion is relatively weak and commitment is strong.
Admittedly, one can love without being a Christian. Nevertheless, my Christian faith once served as a foundational belief for love of myself, others, God, and so forth.
As it regards other individuals, I was also taught Matthew 6:14-15, “14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Now, the APA thusly defines forgiveness:
[W]illfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward an individual who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed one in some way. Forgiveness is not equated with reconciliation or excusing another, and it is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry.
Rather, it involves a voluntary transformation of one’s feelings, attitudes, and behavior toward the individual, so that one is no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the individual. Forgiveness is sometimes considered an important process in psychotherapy or counseling.
With little doubt, one can forgive without being a Christian. Nonetheless, when involved in religion, I was instructed to forgive and love other people. Generally, depending on one’s Christian affiliation, God is believed to forgive others, and Jesus is viewed as His loving son.
Establishing a New Convenient, Jesus instructed others to love. Given context of the terms herein, I turn to the extended play album Our Town (1993) by singer-songwriter and musician Iris DeMent. It contains the song “God May Forgive You (But I Won’t)”, as the lyrics state:
[Verse 1]:
You say that you’re born again
Cleansed of your former sins
You want me to say, “I forgive and forget”
But you’ve done too much to me
Don’t you be touching me
Go back and touch all those women you’ve met
[Chorus]:
‘Cause God may forgive you, but I won’t
Yes, Jesus loves you, but I don’t
They don’t have to live with you; well, neither do I
You say that you’re born again; well, so am I
God may forgive you, but I won’t
And I won’t even try
[Verse 2]:
Well, the kids had to cry for you
I had to try to do
Things that the dad should do
Since you’ve been gone
Well, you really let us down
You may be Heaven-bound
But you’ve left one hell of a mess here at home
[Chorus]
And I won’t even try
Depending on one’s religious perspective, as well as one’s view of mental health, DeMent’s outlook may be considered sinful or unhealthy. Yet, given my approach to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I argue that her worldview could be considered a healthy view.
In particular, I offer that REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).
With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).
The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.
Provided the definitional clarity offered herein, forgiveness and love – although desirable concepts for many people – aren’t necessary for rational living. As a matter of a personal anecdote, my ex-wife was unfaithful to me on apparently many occasions.
God may forgive her, but I won’t. Jesus may love her, but I don’t. Nevertheless, I hold no resentment toward her, because I practice UA. Ultimately, my ex-wife is merely a fallible human being who behaved in a manner for which I didn’t care.
With this healthy view, there’s nothing to forgive. Tautologically, what is done is done. Also, love has nothing to do with UA. Thus, I can unconditionally accept myself for having been cheated on (USA), my ex-wife for having cheated (UOA), and the past in which cheating occurred (ULA).
Now, I invite you to consider this healthy lesson on UA. God may forgive you, Jesus may love you, and even if or when others don’t, you can practice USA, UOA, and ULA. Religion isn’t a necessary component of REBT; yet, you could use its concepts to enhance your practice of UA.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
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