Show Me Red Flags: Should Have Had My Guard up High

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

First, some context may be useful. Per one source, a “red flag is a metaphor of a sign of some particular problem requiring attention.” Regarding intimate partner relationships, people often allude to “red flags” which signify foreseeable or retrospective issues with respective partners.

With this background information, I now turn to an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set by the Ukrainian female DJ duo Avity that I’m not entirely convinced is responsible for actually spinning their sets. Perhaps they are, as their countrymen are conscripted to fight in Ukraine.

For the sake of charitability, I’ll presume that Avity is more than a model duo posing as USBJs. When listing to one of their sets, I heard the song “A Lot Like Heaven (Space Motion Extended Remix)” (2023) by Gorgon City and featuring vocals by Julia Church. Lyrics of the original say:

Show me red flags

Everything I missed last time

I watch your phone light

Middle of the night, don’t hide

We’re not alone

Still spinning on my own

Bed becomes a battleground

Place I call home

The devil’s in the detail

Should have had my guard up high

It looked a lot like Heaven at the time

But then I found that Heaven wasn’t mine, and I

Came down

Standing on the ground, but it

Looked a lot like Heaven at the time

The demandingness narrative is evident, as Church states “should have had my guard up high.” Depending on the Consequence of this Belief, the vocalist may be using either a flexible attitude that causes distress or an inflexible script that causes disturbance. Let’s examine both types!

Because I have some degree of lived experience with content represented in the song, I’ll use myself as an example. Specifically, I stated in a blogpost entitled Turning a Cube Inside Out:

In what remains as the most significant intimate partner relationship of my life, I eventually discovered that I was repeatedly cheated on from the inception to the dissolution of the relationship.

One telltale (an outward sign) indicator of cheating [i.e., red flag] was how reactive my former partner was when she received a text or phone call. Even if her phone was in vibrating mode, she dashed toward it immediately when others attempted to contact her via cellphone.

As well, she was unusually defensive of any attempt by me and others to touch her smartphone. Curiously, this behavior wasn’t present in the earlier stages of the relationship. Initially, I rationalized her actions as someone who over time came to overvalue her privacy.

Of course, once I stopped deluding myself, I thought that I understood what was actually occurring.

When initially ignoring red flags of my former intimate partner’s behavior, I flexibly reasoned that I preferably should’ve held my guard up high. Yet, a proverbial shield between my partner and I wouldn’t have allowed us to fully connect. Thus, I let my guard down.

Then, realizing she’d been cheating by way of her phone, I inflexibly maintained that I absolutely should’ve held my guard up high [D]—and that because I didn’t, I believed I was worthless for having allowed cheating [G], I couldn’t stand the situation [L], and she was awful [A]!

My flexible attitude caused mere suspiciousness. However, my inflexible script caused depressive symptoms. To be overly dramatic, reflecting upon Chruch’s lyrics, “It looked a lot like Heaven at the time, but then I found that Heaven wasn’t mine.” In fact, it was like Hell!

Given the ABC perspective, that hellish experience was torment of my own creation, irrespective of whether or not I ignored red flags in the romantic relationship. That’s precisely how inflexible demandingness functions. Further, this occurs whether or not one puts up a defensive guard.

It isn’t the undesirable Action that causes unpleasant Consequences. Rather, it’s what one Believes about the matter than results in a hellish experience. Now, I share this lesson with you. Paying attention to red flags and using healthy boundaries (i.e., guards) is all well and good.

Nonetheless, monitoring and challenging your unfavorable self-narratives is arguably more important. This is precisely the measure I take when encountering female USBJs who ostensibly travel the world and supposedly spin EDM music as their male countrymen are defeated in war.

It isn’t the Action, though my Beliefs about this matter, that leads to a Consequence. Favorably, I use flexible scripts in this regard. Therefore, there are no red flags to observe from this professional practitioner of REBT who criticizes questionable behavior. I’m not even distressed.

My mood is all well and good! Perhaps you can also use a similar approach to rational living. As well, if you’d like to know more about the practice of REBT, then I’m here to assist.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, Designed by Freepik, fair use

References:

Apple Music. (n.d.). Gorgon City. Apple Inc. Retrieved from https://music.apple.com/us/artist/gorgon-city/504531222

Apple Music. (n.d.). Julia Church. Apple Inc. Retrieved from https://music.apple.com/us/artist/julia-church/971832691

Arafathossaindesigner. (n.d.). Red flag collage on blank image [Image]. Freepik. Retrieved from https://www.freepik.com/premium-ai-image/red-flag-collage-blank-image_300672563.htm#fromView=search&page=1&position=37&uuid=b13566ae-d19b-4339-adcb-0abbd7e7534b&query=red+flags

Avity. (2024, February 1). Avity — Golden Bridge, Vietnam | 4K melodic techno & progressive house mix [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/HlZGM5j4XJg?si=4pcj40rW6GxtQgIA

David, D. (2014, January). The empirical status of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT) theory & practice. Albert Ellis Institute. Retrieved from https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=26813393d7370232253cf964c38a4a03d98b0b97

Gorgon City. (2023, July 20). Gorgon City - A Lot Like Heaven (Audio) ft. Julia Church [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/B3TdYYMRI-w?si=aCqK2aM7yJTDQw2Z

Hollings, D. (2024, August 23). A rational case against self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/a-rational-case-against-self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Absolutistic should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/absolutistic-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2025, October 19). Adhering to invisible scripts. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/adhering-to-invisible-scripts

Hollings, D. (2024, November 15). Assumptions. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/assumptions

Hollings, D. (2024, August 7). Awfulizing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/awfulizing

Hollings, D. (2023, August 30). Boundary setting. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/boundary-setting

Hollings, D. (2023, July 2). Can’t go out sad. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/can-t-go-out-sad

Hollings, D. (2024, July 9). Conditional should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/conditional-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, October 27). Correlation does not imply causation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/correlation-does-not-imply-causation

Hollings, D. (2024, January 7). Delusion. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/delusion

Hollings, D. (2022, October 31). Demandingness. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/demandingness

Hollings, D. (2025, October 31). Depression and reasoned choice. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/depression-and-reasoned-choice

Hollings, D. (2022, October 5). Description vs. prescription. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/description-vs-prescription

Hollings, D. (2022, March 15). Disclaimer. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/disclaimer

Hollings, D. (2025, March 12). Distress vs. disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/distress-vs-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Empirical should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/empirical-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2025, September 7). Everybody’s gotta learn sometime. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/everybody-s-gotta-learn-sometime

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Fair use. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/fair-use

Hollings, D. (2024, May 17). Feeling better vs. getting better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/feeling-better-vs-getting-better-1

Hollings, D. (2025, March 5). Five major characteristics of four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/five-major-characteristics-of-four-major-irrational-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, April 2). Four major irrational beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/four-major-irrational-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, October 12). Get better. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/get-better

Hollings, D. (2023, September 13). Global evaluations. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/global-evaluations

Hollings, D. (2025, September 7). Have to. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/have-to

Hollings, D. (n.d.). Hollings Therapy, LLC [Official website]. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Ideal should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ideal-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, April 27). Ideal-world vs. real-world. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/ideal-world-vs-real-world

Hollings, D. (2022, August 31). Iss-me vs. iss-you. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/iss-me-vs-iss-you

Hollings, D. (2025, June 13). It isn’t manly to be enraged. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/it-isn-t-manly-to-be-enraged

Hollings, D. (2025, October 13). Knowledge, wisdom, understanding. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/knowledge-wisdom-understanding

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Legal should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/legal-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, September 19). Life coaching. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-coaching

Hollings, D. (2025, January 8). Life-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/life-downing

Hollings, D. (2023, September 8). Lived experience. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/lived-experience

Hollings, D. (2022, December 2). Low frustration tolerance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/low-frustration-tolerance

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Moral and ethical should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/moral-and-ethical-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, September 27). My attitude. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-attitude

Hollings, D. (2025, August 2). My philosophy. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/my-philosophy

Hollings, D. (2025, September 8). Need to know. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/need-to-know

Hollings, D. (2024, November 3). Neurotic anxiety and fear. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/neurotic-anxiety-and-fear

Hollings, D. (2025, January 7). Other-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/other-downing

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Preferential should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/preferential-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2023, November 23). Problems. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/problems

Hollings, D. (2024, January 1). Psychoeducation. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychoeducation

Hollings, D. (2023, September 15). Psychotherapeutic modalities. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapeutic-modalities

Hollings, D. (2024, May 5). Psychotherapist. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/psychotherapist

Hollings, D. (2022, March 24). Rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy-rebt

Hollings, D. (2024, May 15). Rational living. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rational-living

Hollings, D. (2024, March 4). Rationalization. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rationalization

Hollings, D. (2024, December 5). Reasoning. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/reasoning

Hollings, D. (2024, July 18). REBT flexibility. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rebt-flexibility

Hollings, D. (2024, July 10). Recommendatory should beliefs. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/recommendatory-should-beliefs

Hollings, D. (2024, January 4). Rigid vs. rigorous. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/rigid-vs-rigorous

Hollings, D. (2022, November 1). Self-disturbance. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-disturbance

Hollings, D. (2025, January 6). Self-downing. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/self-downing

Hollings, D. (2022, October 7). Should, must, and ought. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/should-must-and-ought

Hollings, D. (2023, February 16). Tna. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/__tna

Hollings, D. (2025, February 28). To try is my goal. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/to-try-is-my-goal

Hollings, D. (2025, April 18). Tolerable FAD. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/tolerable-fad

Hollings, D. (2025, January 9). Traditional ABC model. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/traditional-abc-model

Hollings, D. (2025, October 14). Turning a cube inside out. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/turning-a-cube-inside-out

Hollings, D. (2024, September 29). Well, well, well. Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/well-well-well

Hollings, D. (2025, September 7). You better! Hollings Therapy, LLC. Retrieved from https://www.hollingstherapy.com/post/you-better

Pitythafoo80. (2010, November 2). USBJ. Urban Dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=USBJ

Soundcloud. (n.d.). Avity. Retrieved from https://soundcloud.com/avity_music

This Vibe. (2023, September 26). Gorgon City & Julia Church - A Lot Like Heaven (Space Motion Extended Remix) [Video]. YouTube. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/XjHTBnpM0b4?si=VTx1ertXl-m3zU7I

Wikipedia. (n.d.). Red flag (idiom). Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_flag_(idiom)