When You Leave That Way You Can Never Go Back

[DISCLAIMER]

My Former Family

When residing in a children’s home, I met a family at a Churches of Christ congregation that sponsored the nonprofit organization overseeing my residential placement. Between my freshman and sophomore year, I was invited to live with the family under legal guardianship.

The eldest daughter of that family had four boys to whom I was close. At one point or another, I’d changed diapers, fed, played and took naps with, and tended to other routine activities of daily living with the children I considered my non-biological nephews. Truly, I loved them!

Despite being in love with the youngest daughter of the family (“Antebellum”), who was one year younger than me, I eventually came to tolerate and accept that unrequited love was my plot in life concerning her. In fact, I was fond of her husband and loved her first son.

During my time in the Marine Corps (1996-2007), I traveled a lot! What most correlated with joy and pleasure during that period in life was the stability I had with the family in Bomb City which I associated with home. Still, as is with many things, I learned a difficult lesson from that family.

Something my late stepmom reinforced throughout my life was the phrase, “This, too, shall pass.” That’s what I came to understand when I lost touch with the family during my contentious divorce proceedings which saw an end to many other relationships in my life at the time.

When You Leave That Way You Can Never Go Back

It would be disingenuous to represent the relationship with my former family as being entirely without fault or defect. In honesty, it was far from perfect! For instance, I stated in It’s Just Easy Come and Easy Go: Tolerance and Acceptance:

Whether or not Antebellum knew I was in love with her for many years remains unknown, as we fell out of contact a couple decades ago. Nevertheless, she was my first love (the first person one loves in a romantic way) which was ultimately unrequited (not reciprocated or returned in kind).

In effect, when I revealed my affection for Antebellum to her mother, I was told “put that out of your mind, because it will never be.” In so many words, her mom explained that Deuteronomy 7:3 forbade intermixing of tribes, races, ethnicities, and cultures.

Whereas Antebellum was white, I was predominately biracial (white and black). Apparently, my genetic admixture was already an affront to the Creator. Thus, there would be no further infraction of His divine prescription for humanity by Antebellum and I mixing our genes.

I was good enough to trust by sitting with my nephews who potty-trained, offering emotional support as they urinated and defecated, though not enough to actually become a member of the family by way of intermixing. Too bad for me! Apparently, that wasn’t my plot in life.

Reflecting upon my sophomore year of high school when I dealt with comprehension of my status in the family (i.e., good enough to be with the family, though not good enough to be the family), the album Confederate Railroad (1992) by Confederate Railroad comes to mind.

That debut album by the country rock band was released during my freshman year, though the track “When You Leave That Way You Can Never Go Back” was more relatable to me when living with my former family thereafter. Describing the song, one source states:

“When You Leave That Way ...”, told in first-person narrative, begins with the man remembering some things about his childhood with fondness: his mother, waking to the rooster’s crow and listening to Arthur Godfrey. However, his relationship with his father is very strained; after the two get into a fight one morning, the boy runs away and never returns home, beginning his troublesome life as a drifter.

Later, the man tries to settle down and eventually gets engaged to a young woman; however, on his wedding day, he leaves her standing at the altar. Later, he begins a relationship with a woman who is married; when her husband walks in on them, he shoots and kills him, eventually leading to his death sentence. (Just before the revelation of the latter of these events, within the bridge of the song, he mournfully tells how he wishes he could repair his broken relationships with his parents and hold his young son.)

He burns his final bridge when a clergyman comes into his jail cell to administer the last rites, shortly before he is to be put to death; however, the man tells him to go away.

It was in high school that I was kicked out of my former family’s home for having sex before marriage, running with street gangs, and otherwise acting out, as I returned to finish high school while living in the children’s home once again. Still, my former family and I remained in touch.

As a matter of fact, we remained close enough that it was the matriarch of the family who strongly encouraged me to join the Marines. Additionally, they were listed as my next of kin during my military services, as their home was also listed as my home of record.

At one point in my life, leaving my former family in connection with turbulent circumstances, I could go back home. Then, following my unpleasant divorce, it was as Confederate Railroad sang, “When you leave that way you can never go back. A train won’t run on a torn up track.”

REBT and Regret

For years after my divorce, I agonized with what I told myself about not being able to see my nephews, Antebellum, and other family members. It wasn’t until I discovered Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) that I finally found peace and thereafter achieved contentment.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to upset themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C outlook, when a train track is severely damaged (Action), then the trail won’t run on a torn up track (Consequence). In literal terms, the train may derail! Nevertheless, a metaphorical torn up track of a broken relationship isn’t what causes personal derailment. 

Rather, from a B-C view, I endured turbulent circumstances following my divorce (Action) and Believed, “Life if meaningless without my former family [G], and this is intolerable [L], because it’s horrible to know I’ll never see them again [A], as this mustn’t be an end to our bond [D]!”

Using that unhealthy script, I then metaphorically derailed the train that was my life by enduring unhelpful thoughts (cognitive), sadness (emotive), heaviness throughout my body (sensation), and lashing out at other people (behavioral)—all Consequences of what I told myself.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Additionally, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

Whereas the ABC model is a scientific approach to wellness, UA serves as a philosophical method for un-disturbing yourself. I view the former as an abortive approach to disturbance and the latter as a preventative method. Of course, not all REBT practitioners use the same style as I.

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Reflecting upon my stepmom’s phrase (i.e., this, too, shall pass), I recognize her wise words as relating to UA. Specifically, I can control only my reaction to a metaphorical train derailment (USA), as others may not be able to be influenced by my attempts to repair train tracks (UOA).

In fact, in an impermanent and uncertain life which is filled with imperfection, each and every moment—perceptively-shaped positive, neutral, and negative experiences—will inevitably pass (ULA). This is the unavoidable truth about reality regarding one’s fallible human existence.

In closing, on “When You Leave That Way You Can Never Go Back”, Confederate Railroad sang, “Sometimes I wish I’d never roamed, oh no, ‘cause when you leave that way you can never go home,” expressing the healthy negative emotion of regret—of which there are many in life.

For context, regret is defined as “an emotional response to remembrance of a past state, condition, or experience that one wishes had been different.” Regret is a healthy, though negative, emotion which I argue recommendatorily should replace unhealthy agony.

Unfortunately, for years after my divorce, I agonized with what I told myself about not being able to see my nephews, Antebellum, and other family members. Now, I tolerate and accept—without unproductive conditions—that a metaphorical train won’t run on a torn up track.

How about you? Are you finding it difficult to move on from a metaphorical derailed relational experience? I’ve been there. I get it! Fortunately, there is a way to move on from divorce, being disowned, death, and other unpleasant circumstances. After all, “this, too, shall pass.”

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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