Avenge, Revenge, and Vengeance: I Must Teach You a Lesson

[DISCLAIMER]

As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is informed by Stoic philosophy, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding a book entitled The Daily Stoic: 366 Meditations on Wisdom, Perseverance, and the Art of Living by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman.

The authors quote ancient Stoic philosopher and Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius who stated, “The best way to avenge yourself is to not be like that” (page 312). For context, “avenge” is defined as exacting satisfaction for a wrong by punishing the wrongdoer.

Here, I distinguish between morals and ethics. A “moral” is a person’s standard of behavior or belief concerning what is and isn’t acceptable for the individual and other people. Morals thus relate to what’s considered good, bad, right, wrong, or otherwise acceptable or unacceptable.

An “ethic” is a set of moral principles, especially those relating to or affirming a specified group, field, or form of conduct. Whereas morals relate to what is thought of as pleasing or displeasing behaviors and beliefs, ethics – based on morals – are the social rules by which we pledge to live.

For context, a principle is a comprehensive and fundamental law, doctrine, or assumption that serves as a rule or code of conduct with habitual devotion to this subjective morally and ethically right standard. Thus, principles are a form of values (something intrinsically desirable).

Given this framing of how avenging oneself or others for perceived or actual matters of wrongdoing, Aurelius ostensibly suggested that one recommendatorily shouldn’t behave in such a manner. Similarly, authors of The Daily Stoic quote Seneca who stated (page 312):

How much better to heal than seek revenge from injury. Vengeance wastes a lot of time and exposes you to many more injuries than the first that sparked it.

Anger always outlasts hurt. Best to take the opposite course. Would anyone think it normal to return a kick to a mule or a bite to a dog?

Building upon the definition of “avenge” while maintaining the distinction between morals and ethics, “revenge” is defined as inflicting injury in return for an action, as “vengeance” is punishment inflicted in retaliation for an injury or offense. Also, according to one source:

Revenge is defined as committing a harmful action against a person or group in response to a grievance, be it real or perceived. Vengeful forms of justice, such as primitive justice or retributive justice, are often differentiated from more formal and refined forms of justice such as distributive justice or restorative justice.

For context, justice is defined as the impartial and fair settlement of conflict and differences, typically by legal process and the imposition of proportionate punishment. As an example, if someone wrongs you by way of a financial crime, you may seek justice in the form of restitution.

This form of making good of or giving an equivalent for some injury is a punishment for the wrongdoer. Thus, punishment is defined as a physically or psychologically painful, unwanted, or undesirable event or circumstance imposed as a penalty on an actual or perceived wrongdoer.

Per Seneca’s view, it’s better to heal oneself than to seek revenge on the wrongdoer. Further, he expressed that vengeance wastes time and exposes oneself to further injuries. For instance, the person who committed a financial crime against you may not pay restitution.

When you actually or perceivably cannot receive justice for the initial wrongdoing, you are harmed once by the precipitating event and then again by your pessimistic perspective about not having received justice. This brings to mind a psychoeducational lesson on REBT.

Before I discuss one of the main tools used by this psychotherapeutic modality, some context may be necessary. On rapper Gucci Mane’s fourteenth studio album Woptober II (2019) is the song “Richer than Errybody”, featuring rappers YoungBoy Never Broke Again and DaBaby.

On his verse, DaBaby admits, “I done taught every nigga that tried me!” This self-narrative represents the rapper’s attempt to avenge oneself regarding actual or perceived wrongdoing (i.e., revenge or vengeance) by taking justice into his own hands. Now, I offer an REBT lesson.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

The above photo depicts me sitting on top of a tank. I use this image, because it reflects my once self-disturbed behavior when navigating roadways. Pertaining to how I unhelpfully disturbed myself, I stated in a blogpost entitled The Speed of Thoughts and Beliefs: Flipping the Bird:

Prior to learning of REBT, I may or may not have been in many road rage incidents when other motorists flipped the bird at me while on the roadway. Using my previous maladaptive thinking, beliefs, emotions, and behavior, I now invite you to consider the A-C versus B-C connections.

From an A-C view, another driver flipped the bird (Action) and I observed the contemptuous hand gesture (Consequence). That’s not what caused me to be enraged. Rather, the B-C connection—that happened in a fraction of a second—is what actually resulted.

I saw a motorist flipping the bird (Action), I then Believed, “This worthless motherfucker [G], I can’t stand him [L], because it’s terrible being disrespected [A], so I must teach him a lesson [D],” and I then may or may not have engaged in a road rage incident (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Years of maybe or maybe not having engaged in multiple road rage incidents, some of which could possibly have turned deadly in an instant, were largely resolved when I discovered REBT. Even with the speed of thoughts and beliefs occurring in an instant, I can use the ABC model.

Navigating the roadways, as though I drove a tank on the streets which were occupied by civilians, wasn’t helpful for anyone involved. Particularly, I sought to avenge actual or perceived wrongdoing by maintaining an “I must teach you a lesson” form of self-disturbing script.

Yet, as expressed by Aurelius and Seneca, revenge and vengeance of this sort wasn’t in alignment with Stoic standards and principles. Specifically, I used an absolutistic demand (e.g., I must teach you a lesson), as though it was my duty to punish wrongdoers for unjust actions.

Noteworthy, Aurelius stated that the “best way to avenge yourself is to not be like that,” indicating use of a flexible recommendatory demand. Seneca used a similar recommendation while stating, “Best to take the opposite course.”

The pertinent distinction between absolutistic and recommendatory demands is that the former is inflexible and causes self-disturbance (e.g., rage), though the latter is flexible and may merely result in self-distress (e.g., disappointment). Worth noting, one REBT source states (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

Ultimately, it isn’t, never was, and likely will never be a matter of personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”) regarding a supposed duty to teach other people lessons on the roadway. Perhaps that’s better suited as a matter of collective ownership.

Even at that level, with my former job as military police when serving in the United States Marine Corps (1996-2007), it wasn’t my duty to seek vengeance by punishing people for traffic violations while issuing citations. Thus, I wasn’t taking revenge by teaching people lessons.

I was merely tasked with enforcing the law—as it’s indicative in the title “law enforcement,” not law education or law vengeance. I simply wrote a ticket and carried on about my business. Now, I present you with this psychoeducational lesson on the ABC model and Stoicism.

Herein, I’ve flexibly tried to teach you a lesson, yet you don’t have to obey anything I’ve expressed in this blog entry. Of revenge, perhaps the “best way to avenge yourself is to not be like that,” so you “best to take the opposite course.” Still, this is a matter of personal ownership.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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