Displeasing: Choose How You Will Suffer

[DISCLAIMER]

The American Psychological Association defines the term suffering as “the experience of pain or acute distress, either physical or psychological, in response to a physical trauma or a significant event, particularly one that is threatening or involves loss (e.g., the death of a loved one).”

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I differentiate between physical and psychological trauma, as well as separating displeasure from suffering. To illustrate the latter distinction, I thank you for granting me a personal anecdote.

The above photo is of a Chevrolet Corvette that my high school buddy (“1/2 Ton”) purchased shortly after I enlisted in the military. Shortly before I joined the United States Marine Corps (USMC), I resided with 1/2 Ton in different locations when he didn’t own that sports car.

Assisting 1/2 Ton’s dad with his construction contracting business, my buddy and I spent a fair amount of time working in cold mornings and hot afternoons. Swarmed with insects, drenching with sweat, and occasionally being verbally reprimanded by 1/2 Ton’s dad, we weren’t suffering.

Often, people categorize virtually any event which is displeasing (to incur the disapproval or dislike of, especially by annoying, or to be offensive to) as suffering. Yet, from the prospective of REBT, self-induced suffering of this kind isn’t akin to physical or psychological trauma.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

As an example, from an A-C view, 1/2 Ton and I conducted outdoor manual labor (Action) that resulted in nicks, scratches, scrapes, bruises, and blisters (Consequence). Yet, regarding a B-C perspective, these minor injuries didn’t cause physical or psychological trauma (i.e., suffering).

Suppose that 1/2 Ton and I received minor injuries (Action) and Believed, “Life sucks [G], working outdoors is unendurable [L], as injuries are dreadful [A], and there must be an easier way to make money [D],” then we’d cause disturbance in the form of contempt (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Neither 1/2 Ton nor I suffered when working with his dad. Rather, we were merely displeased. Still, I admittedly have a higher bar for suffering than many people for whom I provide care regarding mental, emotional and behavioral health (collectively “mental health”).

Therefore, it isn’t entirely helpful for me to use a dogmatic attitude concerning specific terms. Whereas I’ll draw a meticulous distinction between feelings and beliefs, I can relent on the difference between displeasure (the experience of one who’s displeased) and suffering.

Imagine that 1/2 Ton and I received minor injuries (Action) and Believed, “Life doesn’t suck, though outdoor manual labor can be displeasing, which is tolerable, as our basic needs are met through this sort of work,” then we’d cause distress in the form of annoyance (Consequence).

Aside from actual physical and psychological trauma, the distinction between displeasure and suffering comes down to what one chooses (selects freely and after consideration). If one unhelpfully chooses to classify displeasing matters as that relating to suffering, then so be it.

Bear in mind that REBT differentiates between negative and unhealthy disturbance, and negative and healthy distress. Ultimately, without knowing anything about REBT, 1/2 Ton and I opted for chosen suffering in the form of tolerable distress that fostered resilience and self-reliance.

I went on to join the USMC, which afforded me many opportunities to experience displeasure, suffering, actual physical and psychological trauma, and even plenty of self-distress and self-disturbance. 1/2 Ton went on to form his own contracting business, purchasing a Corvette.

Reflecting upon this matter, I’m reminded of the unofficial album Glasshouse by hip hop supergroup Slaughterhouse, consisting of lyricists Joe Budden, Joell Ortiz, Kxng Crooked, and Royce da 5’9”. It contained the song “Y’all Ready Know”, produced by the talented DJ Premier.

On the 2014 track, Royce da 5’9” stated, “I learned that money can’t buy happiness, but I decided I’d rather do all my cryin’ in a Corvette. Make a dollar, buy a suit, have a child, and have him follow suit, wavin’ that weather change thing, making the winter fall, comin’ through with everything to lose.”

Whereas I chose physical and psychic injury through military service, I did “all my cryin’” in a USMC uniform, as 1/2 Ton did all his “cryin’ in a Corvette.” Both negative and healthily distressed outcomes were displeasing, though my buddy and I chose how we would suffer.

Further contemplating this matter, I think of the album Burden of Proof (2020) by lyricist Benny the Butcher. It contained the song “One Way Flight” that was produced by Jansport J and Hit-Boy, and featured rapper Freddie Gibbs who stated, “You gon’ cry in that Toyota, or this Maybach?”

In similar fashion as “”Y’all Ready Know”, “One Way Flight” invited the listener to choose how you will suffer. This infers that in life you will inevitably experience displeasing events which you may categorize as suffering. This consideration warrants a further lesson on REBT.

Specifically, REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Regarding the circle of control and USA, you’re merely a fallible human being who has a limited ability to change most displeasing events in your life. However, you do have control over how you react to these matters. Ergo, “You gon’ cry in that Toyota, or this Maybach?”

Concerning the circle of influence and UOA, you’ll likely be unable to persuade most people to do as you’d prefer. Therefore, you can tolerate and accept inevitable displeasure when not realizing your wishes, dreams, and goals. Thus, you can “do all [your] cryin’ in a Corvette.”

Related to your circle of concern and ULA, you’d do well to acknowledge that you live in an imperfect world wherein you ultimately have exceedingly limited control and influence. Thus, regarding displeasing events, choose how you will suffer. This practice will serve you well.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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