Don't Make Me Sad
While listening to an electronic dance music (EDM) DJ set by Amëriko Nunez, I heard him spin the track “What You Said” by Maddow, featuring vocals by Manela, from the album Back in the Club (2021). On the song, Manela disempoweringly states:
What you said
Is all over my head
What you said
Is all over my head
Is all over my head
Don’t make me sad
What you said
What you said
Is all over my head
For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines sadness as “an emotional state of unhappiness, ranging in intensity from mild to extreme and usually aroused by the loss of something that is highly valued (e.g., by the rupture of a relationship). Persistent sadness is one of the two defining symptoms of a major depressive episode, the other being anhedonia.”
For clarity, the APA defines arousal as “a state of excitement or energy expenditure linked to an emotion. Usually, arousal is closely related to a person’s appraisal of the significance of an event or to the physical intensity of a stimulus.” There’s a reason that I’ve taken time to define terms.
If an incident occurs and an individual appraises the event, and that leads to arousal which results in sadness, then it isn’t the event itself that causes a person to be sad. In essence, Manela’s prescriptive belief for someone else not too make her sad isn’t how sadness actually occurs.
When practicing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I use personal responsibility and accountability (collectively “ownership”). For improved understanding, responsibility is defined as the quality or state of being responsible, such as a moral, legal, or mental accountability.
Here, “responsible” is defined as liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent, and being able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations—something, such as the demands of conscience or custom, that obligates one to a course of action.
Also, “accountable” is defined as subject to giving an account—a statement explaining one’s conduct. Accountability is defined as the quality or state of being accountable, especially regarding an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.
When providing psychoeducational lessons on REBT, a psychotherapeutic modality which arguably requires that one preferably should take personal ownership in order to reduce self-distress or self-disturbance, I lean heavily on both responsibility and accountability.
This is because I maintain that people have personal agency (a person’s ability to control one’s own reactions to activating events which are beyond one’s own dominion, especially when one’s response is limited by someone or something else). This is a matter of self-empowerment.
REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):
REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).
Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.
Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C view, suppose that Manela’s intimate partner leaves her (Action), thus resulting in her being all alone (Consequence). To really make this scenario challenging, imagine that her now-ex states, “I’m leaving you, because you’re unlovable!” Some people express such things.
In “What You Said”, Manela states, “What you said is all over my head,” and, “Don’t make me sad.” Perhaps you reason that someone describing another person as “unlovable” when terminating a romantic relationship would cause sadness, though the B-C connection does that.
Hypothetically, Manela’s now-ex said that she’s unlovable when breaking up with her (Action), she then Believed, “I truly am unlovable [G], and I can’t stand being this way [L], as it’s awful [A], because I must be lovable [D],” and she then endures deep sadness (Consequence).
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Given the B-C framing of sadness, no one can make Manela, you, or me sad. Rather, we make ourselves sad! Moreover, it’s worth noting that there’s a distinction between negative, but healthy sadness and negative, though unhealthy sadness.
For instance, if Manela’s partner left by way of death, rather than a bitter breakup, then her rational beliefs about the matter may cause negative, though healthy sorrow in the form of grief, bereavement, or mourning. This is a normal and healthy process, and isn’t to be pathologized!
Alternatively, if Manela’s undesirable event was as previously described, and she used the aforementioned irrational GLAD beliefs which caused a negative, but unhealthy depressive episode along with anhedonia, then this would constitute an abnormal and unhealthy outcome.
Therefore, changing the way you respond to a situation makes a difference! Now, I invite you to consider use of the ABC model. Further, I encourage you to take personal ownership of your unpleasant reactions. After all, believing “don’t make me sad” isn’t how sadness functions.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost EDM-influenced REBT psychotherapist—promoting content related to EDM, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit, property of Hexagon, fair use
References:
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