Gotta Stand Tall, Won’t Bend or Fold

[DISCLAIMER]

When providing psychoeducational lessons on Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), I teach people about the ABC model of self-disturbance (how people upset themselves through use of irrational beliefs). Now, I’ll address a finer point of this psychotherapeutic model of wellness.

For context, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate how when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. That negative outcome is disturbance.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive Beliefs, think of the acronym GLAD.

It’s worth noting that the two forms of should, must, and ought-type demands with which people most often self-disturb are associated with use of absolutistic and conditional should beliefs. Generally speaking, these serve as rigid commands used toward oneself, others, and life.

An absolute must narrative is, “You absolutely must do as I say!” A conditional should narrative is, “Either you should do as I say, or you should be punished!” Noteworthy, in REBT literature, demandingness of this sort is said to function as a primary appraisal mechanism of disturbance.

Global evaluations (i.e., self-downing, other-downing, and life-downing), low frustration tolerance (also known as frustration intolerance), and awfulizing (e.g., terrible, horrible, etc.) function as secondary appraisal mechanisms. Together, GLAD will make you sad or mad, etc.

While still serving as prescriptive rather than descriptive, flexible use of recommendatory, preferential, ideal, empirical, moral and ethical, and legal ought beliefs won’t inevitably cause disturbance, as they may align with distress. Rigidity versus flexibility makes a difference.

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Noteworthy, natural forms of distress are tolerable (i.e., mild anxiousness, sorrow, frustration, annoyance, disappointment, etc.). Even though unnatural forms of disturbance are also tolerable (e.g., enragement), my approach to REBT seeks the outcome which is more likely to be endured.

Now, I offer a finer point of understanding in regard to the ABC model. There are a number of flexible and inflexible terms related to demandingness which serve as derivatives to “should,” “must,” and “ought” types of self-disturbing philosophies regarding life.

For instance, “In order to understand what I’m saying, you have to pay attention,” “You better not allow your mind to wander,” “You need to listen,” and, “If you want to stop self-disturbing, then you gotta practice REBT.” Perhaps a real-world example may enrich your comprehension.

On rapper Lil Baby’s mixtape Too Hard (2017) is the track “Money Forever” that features rapper Gunna. While the song features many demandingness derivatives, in the form of “gotta,” I’ll focus on only one. Specifically, Lil Baby states, “Gotta stand tall, won’t bend or fold.”

For context, one source states that the phrase stand tall means “to defend oneself or close allies[,] even in the face of adversity.” For instance, in my adolescent years, if one of my homies was battered by a group of people, I believed that “I [preferably] gotta stand tall with him.”

“Even in the face of adversity,” as expressed by the aforementioned source, like a friend being jumped, I was prepared not to bend (collapse under pressure), or fold, which one source defines as “to switch up, bitch out, get finessed by someone, or to sellout.”

Regarding “Money Forever”, I interpret the cited line as representing a flexible demanding derivative. Particularly, stating that I “gotta stand tall, won’t bend or fold” is synonymous with expressing that I “preferably should stand tall, won’t bend or fold.”

Depending on the text applied to one’s situation, Lil Baby’s line could regard an inflexible demandingness derivative. As an example, one of the relatively many reasons I chose not to join a gang in my youth was because one’s own reasoned choice was removed.

Therefore, if a fellow gang member is actively being battered, then one absolutely must stand tall with one’s homie, not bending or folding. If a validated gang member didn’t jump in when one’s fellow gang member was being jumped, then the other gang members would retaliate in kind.

For instance, gang member X is getting jumped while gang member Y—of the same gang set—retreats. When set members Z discover the act of cowardice, they’d seek retaliation against gang member Y. This may include battery, maiming, torturing, or, in extreme cases, even death.

Thus, standing tall as a validated gang member wasn’t about self-determination and autonomy. Rather, it concerned a dilemma (a usually undesirable or unpleasant choice). Expressly, I could either (a) retain individual interests and goals, or (b) adopt collective interests and goals.

On one hand, I had a desire (interest) to exercise my free will. This meant that I couldn’t be as close to my homies as I’d liked. On the other hand, I wanted (interest) to be a part of something larger than myself. This meant that gang membership would deprive me of individuality.

Ultimately, the end toward which effort was applied (goal) landed on option (a). Although I couldn’t be as close to my friends as I could’ve if I’d went with option (b), I retained personal agency by foregoing collective agency which carried with it severe consequences.

While standing tall, not bending or folding when my homies engaged in gang-related activity, I did so of my own volition (the faculty by which an individual decides upon and commits to a particular course of action, especially when this occurs without direct external influence).

I eventually learned not to befriend gang members any longer. Thus, I eliminated that sort of dilemma from my life. Now, I invite you to consider flexible versus inflexible demandingness derivatives. Namely, are you working for or against your own interests and goals?

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help you understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

Photo credit, fair use

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