I’m Not Sick, but I’m Not Well: Insecurity

[DISCLAIMER]

It was my late friend Wendy who introduced me to the song “Flagpole Sitta” by alternative rock band Harvey Danger, from their album Where Have All the Merrymakers Gone? (1997). Lyrics from the chorus include, “I’m not sick, but I’m not well.”

Wendy was a nurse by education, experience, and trade. Therefore, she was used to caring for people who were sick. Simultaneously, if memory serves, the vanity plate on Wendy’s vehicle related to the cited lyrics from Harvey Danger. Thus, Wendy was, at times, not well.

Colloquially, the term sick relates to being affected with disease or ill health, as in of, relating to, or intended for use in sickness—a disordered, weakened, or unsound condition. As an example, an individual experiencing symptoms of a common cold is said to be sick.

Also, in common parlance and regarding the context used herein, the term well relates to being in satisfactory condition or circumstances, as in free or recovered from infirmity or disease. For instance, one who no longer has symptoms relating to a common cold is said to be well.

Noteworthy, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines well-being in this regard as “a state of happiness and contentment, with low levels of distress, overall good physical and mental health and outlook, or good quality of life.”

Similarly, the APA defines wellness as “a dynamic state of physical, mental, and social well-being.” In Wendy’s case, one of the kindest people I’ve ever known died of leukemia in 2018. Regarding a blogpost in her honor, I stated in Wendy:

Wendy had leukemia and was dying. As she spoke with me, Wendy lost her breath. Accidentally, Wendy saw her ex-boyfriend who reportedly left her for another woman. She began crying when lamenting the loss of a life Wendy thought was expected.

By that point in her fading life, Wendy was in an intimate partner relationship with another man whom she loved. Still, her unaccommodating beliefs about what could’ve been caused the outcome of sorrow. As she remained in a hospital dying, my friend was unnecessarily disturbed.

Self-disturbance is the process whereby an undesirable Activating event occurs and people upset themselves when using irrational Beliefs which result in unpleasant Consequences. This phenomenon is addressed by the ABC model of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

Regrettably, Wendy’s disturbed condition didn’t stop there. Hearing how self-distraught my friend was and realizing that her time left in life was exceedingly limited I offered to visit California for one last opportunity to hug my friend before she passed on.

“No, thank you,” Wendy replied, “I don’t want you to see me like this.” Apparently, my friend’s illness had taken a toll on her appearance. More than this, Wendy self-disturbed with unfavorable beliefs about how she looked and the outcome of her inflexible assumptions was insecurity [a feeling of inadequacy, lack of self-confidence, and inability to cope, accompanied by general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others].

Not long thereafter, I called Wendy and her boyfriend answered. He informed me that Wendy succumbed to her illness. The last time I spoke with her, my friend was self-distressed [or more likely self-disturbed] by her beliefs and she was miserable. We never had an opportunity for that one last hug.

Reflecting on Wendy’s insecurity, I think of how REBT uses unconditional acceptance (UA) to relieve self-induced suffering. This is accomplished through use of unconditional self-acceptance (USA), unconditional other-acceptance (UOA), and unconditional life-acceptance (ULA).

With my approach to REBT, I incorporate author Stephen Covey’s concepts regarding the circles of control, influence, and concern, as well as an area of no concern. UA maps onto the circle of control (USA), circle of influence (UOA), and circle of concern and area of no concern (ULA).

The circle of control encompasses only oneself, the circle of influence encapsulates elements which may be subject to one’s sway, the circle of concern engrosses most matters one can imagine, and the area of no concern relates to all content which isn’t yet imagined.

Regarding her circle of control and USA, Wendy could’ve admitted that she may’ve been unwell both physically and psychologically, though that was okay. Concerning her circle of influence and UOA, my late friend could’ve allowed others to view her as she was: imperfect.

Relating to her circle of concern and ULA, I think Wendy understood that life is impermanent and uncertain, as she made peace with the dying process. As for the area of no concern, an imaginary realm in which no one dies, it’s pointless to contemplate such nonsensical notions.

In hindsight, I’m glad that Wendy introduced me to the song “Flagpole Sitta”, because I often encounter people with a self-narrative akin to, “I’m not sick, but I’m not well.” Providing psychoeducational lessons on the ABC model and UA, I teach people to make themselves well.

Some people understand, believe in, and practice REBT in this regard. Others make themselves unwell. Ultimately, as was the case with my late friend Wendy, people may choose to self-distress or self-disturb. Nevertheless, we’re all headed for the same outcome: death.

What will you choose to do when facing insecurity? Will you literally lie on your deathbed and lament unattained goals of life while simultaneously making peace with your inescapable death, as was the case for Wendy? Or will you make peace with both life and death, and go out well?

The choice is yours. Even if you’re not sick, though remain unwell, perhaps someone may learn from your experience. That’s one of the final lessons Wendy taught me. Now, I share this teaching with you. Oh, and rest easy Wendy. It was a pleasure getting to know you. One.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As a psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues ranging from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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