The Same Thing’ll Make You Laugh’ll Make You Cry

Deric Hollings

1 day ago

13 min read

My late stepmom sometimes voiced the expression, “The same thing’ll make you laugh’ll make you cry.” Regarding this saying, it’s worth noting that the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines laughter:

[V]ocal expression of amusement, enjoyment, or derision, characterized by inspiratory and expiratory movements occurring in rapid succession. Laughter is pleasurable because it serves to release tension built up when people listen to an amusing story or watch an amusing event (see release theory of humor). Laughter may also result when states of threat occur in a safe context (see arousal jag) or from an abrupt resolution of a cognitive incongruity.

My stepmom and I used to laugh quite a bit during our weekly telephone calls, typically when she left church services for the afternoon. Now, regarding the act of crying, one source thusly states:

Crying is the dropping of tears (or welling of tears in the eyes) in response to an emotional state or physical pain. Emotions that can lead to crying include sadness, anger, joy, and fear. Crying can also be caused by relief from a period of stress or anxiety, or as an empathetic response.

My stepmom and I also used to cry with one another during some of our conversations which involved concerning matters. Irrespective of whether we laughed or cried, the behavior we exhibited was caused by the same thing—belief, which the APA thusly defines:

1. acceptance of the truth, reality, or validity of something (e.g., a phenomenon, a person’s veracity), particularly in the absence of substantiation.

2. an association of some characteristic or attribute, usually evaluative in nature, with an attitude object (e.g., this car is reliable).

For example, when my stepmom and I spoke of my marriage, my beliefs about this matter caused the emotive experience of happiness—which the APA defines as “an emotion of joy, gladness, satisfaction, and well-being.” I laughed quite a bit when recounting marital anecdotes.

However, when my stepmom and I spoke of my divorce, my beliefs about this matter caused the emotive experience of sadness—which the APA defines as “an emotional state of unhappiness, ranging in intensity from mild to extreme and usually aroused by the loss of something that is highly valued (e.g., by the rupture of a relationship).” I cried a lot when discussing my divorce.

Now, as Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.

REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the occurrence itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.

Noteworthy, with virtually any undesirable Action that occurs, it’s your unfavorable Beliefs which cause unpleasant distress or disturbance (Consequence). Given this framing of self-distress and self-disturbance, it’s worth noting that one REBT source states (page 71):

REBT conceptualizes [distress] as healthy even though it is intense. Other approaches to therapy have as their goal the reduction of the intensity of negative emotions. They take this position because they do not keenly differentiate between healthy negative emotions (distress) and unhealthy negative emotions (disturbance).

Now, REBT keenly distinguishes between healthy distress and unhealthy disturbance. Healthy distress stems from your rational beliefs about a negative activating event [Action], whilst disturbance stems from your irrational beliefs about the same event.

Complete elimination of distress is highly unlikely in an impermanent and uncertain world, wherein people conceptually suffer, struggle, and battle with, or merely experience hardship. Still, individuals often make matters worse for themselves by disturbing about such instances.

In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.

Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.

From an A-C view, I discussed my divorce with my late stepmom (Action) and cried a lot (Consequence). Nevertheless, it was a B-C connection that caused sadness that correlated with the tears I shed when talking about the legal and social loss of my wife and stepdaughter.

I discussed my divorce (Action), Believed, “Life is meaningless without my wife and stepdaughter [G], and I can’t bear to live without them [L], as doing so is awful [A], so this mustn’t be [D],” and I then experienced negative, but unhealthy sadness (Consequence).

Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.

Whether or not she knew about the A-C and B-C connections at the time, my late stepmom was correct, “The same thing’ll make you laugh’ll make you cry.” One’s Beliefs cause one’s Consequences—whether positive, neutral, or negative. Of this, Ellis stated (page 19):

As you’re working on your irrational beliefs and your dysfunctional behaviors – the consequence partly of these beliefs – you can then have the time and energy to ask yourself what do you as a unique individual really like to do and not like to do.

You can then creatively find things that will make you actually happy, rather than just nondisturbed, and then go on to find a few things that may make you very, very happy – like love or sex or work or anything else.

But each of us is an individual, and we can’t tell anybody else how they can be happy. They can usually find it out for themselves if they stop upsetting themselves with their irrational beliefs and their dysfunctional behaviors.

When further contemplating the wise words of my late stepmom, as well as Ellis’ perspective regarding Belief-influenced Consequences, I’m reminded of the album Speakerboxxx/The Love Below (2003) by Outkast (lyricist Big Boi and my top-five-dead-or-alive lyricist André 3000).

The anthology contained the song “Unhappy”, produced by Mr. DJ and featuring vocals by Sleepy Brown and Debra Killings, as the chorus states, “Might as well have fun, ‘cause your happiness is done, and your goose is cooked.”

For context, the idiomatic phrase “your goose is cooked” means that one is in serious trouble, one’s plans are ruined, or one’s defeat or downfall is completely unavoidable. In “Unhappy”, Big Boi regards the apparent dissolution of an intimate partner relationship concerning his parents.

Herein, I’ve outlined how unhappiness relating to such circumstances isn’t what cooks one’s goose. Instead, “The same thing’ll make you laugh’ll make you cry.” One’s Beliefs about serious trouble, ruined plans, or defeat or downfall is what cooks one’s goose (Consequence).

Therefore, if you don’t want cooked goose on the proverbial menu of life, then you can focus your time and energy on what makes you happy, and purse that happiness for yourself! In my estimation, starting with your Beliefs is the proper place for a recipe to happiness.

If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.

As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.

At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!

Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW

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