Evaluate Your Behaviors, Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions According to Your Goals
In common parlance, the term loser relates to a person or thing that loses (to fail to win, gain, or obtain), especially consistently. With this in mind, I now turn to the album The Last Few Years (2022) by lyricist Endr Won, on which he released the track “Flowers” and states:
When they said I was a loser, I was a lost cause—long gone, don’t waste your time. Just another drug abuser, an alcoholic, and for a while I was proving you right. I started to believe those things, but I broke those chains. I am no one’s property. You don’t have to give me your flowers. I’m pushing up mine. That’s fine. I’ll still be a thorn in your side.
Here, Endr Won expresses a negative evaluation that others have apparently used for him. Specifically, no matter the other instances in his life during which he’s succeeded, he’s labeled a loser. For context, the American Psychological Association (APA) thusly defines evaluation:
[A] careful examination or overall appraisal of something, particularly to determine its worth, value, or desirability. For example, the evaluation of a particular therapeutic technique refers to a determination of its success in achieving defined goals.
This APA definition references goals, as it’s worth noting that the APA defines this term as “the end state[s] toward which a human or nonhuman animal is striving: the purpose of an activity or endeavor” and “target[s] of proficiency to be achieved in a task within a set period of time.”
Colloquially, one who achieves success with goals is called a “winner,” though one who doesn’t attain success is referred to as a “loser.” These aren’t necessarily useful terms for a person, though more accurately represent behavior, which the APA thusly defines:
[A]n organism’s activities in response to external or internal stimuli, including objectively observable activities, introspectively observable activities (see covert behavior), and nonconscious processes.
I argue that people aren’t their behavior. Therefore, one can lose with an attempt to accomplish goals while not being a loser. Additionally, I maintain that people aren’t the product of thought, which the APA thusly defines:
1. the process of thinking, 2. an idea, image, opinion, or other product of thinking, 3. attention or consideration given to something or someone.
Although someone may’ve labeled Endr Won a loser, that individual’s thought doesn’t accurately represent the lyricist as a person. Similarly, I propose that people aren’t the product of feeling, which the APA thusly defines:
1. a self-contained phenomenal experience. Feelings are subjective, evaluative, and independent of the sensations, thoughts, or images evoking them. They are inevitably evaluated as pleasant or unpleasant, but they can have more specific intrapsychic qualities, so that, for example, the affective tone of fear is experienced as different from that of anger.
The core characteristic that differentiates feelings from cognitive, sensory, or perceptual intrapsychic experiences is the link of affect to appraisal. Feelings differ from emotions in being purely mental, whereas emotions are designed to engage with the world.
2. any experienced sensation, particularly a tactile or temperature sensation (e.g., pain, coldness).
I part with the APA’s primary definition of feeling as a mental – yet, not emotional or sensory – experience, as it actually aligns more with a hunch, thought, suspicion, intuition, belief, or so on. In any event, I also argue that people aren’t the product of action, which the APA thusly defines:
[A] self-initiated sequence of movements, usually with respect to some goal. It may consist of an integrated set of component behaviors as opposed to a single response. […] [T]he state or process of being active.
Regarding whether or not Endr Won is a loser, I maintain that he isn’t his behaviors, thoughts, feelings, and actions—as defined herein. Thus, he may lose at achieving his goals, all while not qualifying for the label loser. This conclusion brings me to a psychoeducational lesson.
As Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) was formed by the late psychologist Albert Ellis, who reportedly developed the first cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) psychotherapeutic modality in 1955, this blog entry is part of an ongoing series regarding his book, Ask Albert Ellis?: Straight Answers and Sound Advice from America’s Best-Known Psychologist.
Now, REBT uses the ABC model to illustrate that when an undesirable Action occurs and you Believe an unhelpful narrative about the event, it’s your unfavorable assumption, not the event itself, that causes an unpleasant Consequence. This is known as distress or disturbance.
In particular, there are four predominate irrational beliefs which people often use to distress or disturb themselves: global evaluations, low frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and demandingness. When contemplating these unproductive scripts, think of the acronym GLAD.
Additionally, from a psychological standpoint, people distress or disturb themselves using a Belief-Consequence (B-C) connection. Of course, this isn’t to suggest that in the context of the naturalistic or physical world there is no Action-Consequence (A-C) connection.
From an A-C view, per his own admission, Endr Won may be a “drug abuser, an alcoholic”. In particular, he plausibly uses or abuses substances (Action) and is thus described as one who is a “drug abuser, an alcoholic” (Consequence). I oppose labeling people as their behavior or actions.
Nevertheless, with notable exceptions, people are often described by what they do (e.g., I practice psychotherapy, so I’m referred to as a psychotherapist). Still, placing a value judgment on people, as opposed to their behaviors, thoughts, feelings, and actions, is unhelpful.
For instance, Endr Won may be a “drug abuser, an alcoholic,” though his behavior doesn’t render him a loser. Rather, given a B-C view, a person’s unhelpful Belief is what causes the Consequence of unproductive labeling regarding the lyricist.
Hypothetically, Ender Won uses or abuses substances (Action), person X Believes, “He’s a loser [G], and I can’t stand him [L], because it’s terrible to be a ‘drug abuser, an alcoholic’ [A], as I shouldn’t waste time on him [D],” and then outwardly labels Endr Won a loser (Consequence).
Addressing how people upset themselves with unhelpful attitudes, the ABC model incorporates Disputation of unproductive philosophies of life in order to explore Effective new beliefs. Whereas rigid beliefs cause self-disturbance, flexible beliefs result in an un-disturbed condition.
Rather than unhelpfully evaluating Endr Won as a loser, person X could Effectively believe, “People aren’t their behaviors, thoughts, feelings, or actions, so Endr Won isn’t a loser for being a ‘drug abuse, an alcoholic.” Regarding this helpful perspective, Ellis stated (pages 17 and 18):
[Y]ou continue to evaluate or measure most of your behaviors – your thoughts, feelings, and actions – according to your goals or purposes in life.
Thus, you normally want to remain alive and be reasonably happy and free from distinct pain when you are (1) alone, (2) with other agreeable people, (3) with a few close and intimate people, (4) with a satisfying vocation or profession, (5) with suitable interests (such as art, music, science, sports), and (6) with enjoyable recreation (such as reading, television, athletics, and creative activities).
When you do fulfill these goals – which nearly all people have – you tell yourself, that is “good.” I fulfilled my goals and wasn’t blocked too much from doing so. Therefore, I’ll rate or evaluate my thoughts, feelings, and actions that enabled me to do so as “good” – because I basically got what I wanted and didn’t get what I don’t want. Obviously that is “good.”
Conversely, when you fail to achieve your goals and purposes, you tell yourself that is bad. I didn’t get what I wanted or got what I didn’t want. My desires are unfulfilled – and that is “bad.”
Given Ellis’ view, person X may conclude that Endr Won isn’t a loser or bad if or when he uses or abuses substances. Rather, he’s merely a fallible human being who isn’t to be evaluated, though his behaviors, thoughts, feelings, and actions may be rated as good, bad, and so forth.
Moreover, it may be useful for person X to consider that Endr Won’s goals may not be aligned with one’s own goals. Therefore, even the labeling of the aforementioned elements may not be helpful. Now, I invite you to contemplate this lesson on global evaluations.
If you’re looking for a provider who tries to work to help understand how thinking impacts physical, mental, emotional, and behavioral elements of your life—helping you to sharpen your critical thinking skills, I invite you to reach out today by using the contact widget on my website.
As the world’s foremost hip hop-influenced REBT psychotherapist, I’m pleased to try to help people with an assortment of issues from anger (hostility, rage, and aggression) to relational issues, adjustment matters, trauma experience, justice involvement, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety and depression, and other mood or personality-related matters.
At Hollings Therapy, LLC, serving all of Texas, I aim to treat clients with dignity and respect while offering a multi-lensed approach to the practice of psychotherapy and life coaching. My mission includes: Prioritizing the cognitive and emotive needs of clients, an overall reduction in client suffering, and supporting sustainable growth for the clients I serve. Rather than simply trying to help you to feel better, I want to try to help you get better!
Deric Hollings, LPC, LCSW
Photo credit, Designed by Magnific, fair use
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